PORTRAITS

PORTRAITS

FOR MY IDLE HANDS

2009

FOR MY IDLE HANDS

CAN’T SLEEP. WHY SHOULD I??? NOT DOING ANYTHING. NOT HARDLY BREATHING. NOT MAKING A SOUND. NOT NOTICED AND NOT GOING ANYWHERE. DID I HEAR HER WHISPER THE SUGGESTION OF MY OWN GREED??? DID SHE SEE THE SHIT ON MY HANDS WHEN I WAVED GOODBYE??? DIDN’T KNOW I HAD THE CHOICE. THOUGHT THIS WAS JUST AN ILLUSION OF THINGS THAT NEVER CAME. NO. WAIT… IT ISN’T REAL. IT ISN’T THERE. IT ISN’T EVEN A MEMORY. I JUST MADE IT UP…

EMPTY HEAD. POINTLESS IDEA. WHAT’S THE MATTER WITH IT THIS TIME??? I WOULD LOVE TO BE AFRAID OF THE NOISES BUT THEY ARE BLIND OMENS OF FRACTURED GHOSTS I COULD CARE LESS ABOUT. GAVE IT MY BACK BONE AND PUT IN MY TEN CENTS WORTH FOR WHAT EXACTLY??? BUSTED MYSELF WIDE OPEN AND CRAWLED OVER A MOUNTAIN TRAIL OF WALLS ONLY TO FIND MY BOOTS WHERE CONCRETE ALL ALONG; AND THE BEGINNING LOOKS MORE LIKE A FUNERAL I WAS NEVER INVITED TO. GET OUT OF HERE. SHUT THE FUCK UP. HOLD YOUR GOD DAMNED FUCKING MOUTH, YOU MISERABLE LITTLE SHIT!!! IF YOU SAY SO. I’M ASLEEP RIGHT NOW. THIS WAS A MISTAKE. KNEW I SHOULDN’T HAVE COME. SHE KNEW SHE WANTED IT LIKE A PRO. IS IT MY FAULT??? I’LL BUY THAT. DON’T REMEMBER HER CUNT, BUT HER NAILS SURE LEFT THEIR CLUES. HAD A WAKE UP CALL WHEN I FOUND THE WALLS WERE LAUGHING AT ME. BACK AND FORTH, BACK AND FORTH, BACK AND FORTH, BACK AND THE FOURTH TIME ROUND I FOUND IT WAS MORE LIKE THE FOUR HUNDREDTH. AND I KICK AND SCREAM AND DEMAND A MOTHERFUCKING REASON!!! BUT I AM THE PATIENT CRETIN. I AM WORKING HARDER THAN EVER. I AM DIGGING MY OWN GRAVE COS YOU SWORE IT WOULD PAY OFF. BUT I’M JUST A STUBBORN MORON, SO WHAT’S YOU’RE FUCKING EXCUSE???

ALL THIS TIME… ALL MY GREAT PLANS… BUT ALL I HAVE IS SHIT.

ALL I HAVE IS SHIT!!!

EVERYTHING I HAVE EVER FUCKING ACCOMPLISHED IS WORTHLESS UGLY FUCKING SHIT!!!

I HATE THIS FUCKING PLACE.

WHAT DO I REALLY HAVE TO SHOW FOR MYSELF??? A PILE OF PUKE NOT WORTH MY WEIGHT IN PIG MEAT.

AND THEY CALL ME… NAMES… AND THEY CALL ME… NO, WAIT… THEY DON’T CALL AT ALL… BURNT THOSE BRIDGES AND I DON’T REGRET ONE MOTHERFUCKING MATCH HEAD. SO I PISS MYSELF LAUGHING AND SPREAD HER LEGS WIDER, WIDER, FUCKING WIDER, BITCH!!! WATCH MY COCK STAB IN AND OUT OF HER FLESH; WISH IT WAS A HATCHET INSTEAD. AND IT IS. ALL IT IS. ALL IT EVER WAS. SEE THE LIGHT. SEE THE LIGHT IS ONLY A FLICK OF THE SWTICH AWAY. TURN IT OFF. BOTTLE IT UP. I AM IN CHARGE HERE.

AND THERE THEY COME. ONE BY ONE. MY ARK OF CARNAL HATRED!!!

PILE UP THE BODIES.

IT’S A MASS EXECUTION OF DERANGED DEBAUCHERY. THE LESS LOGIC IT MAKES THE MORE I WANT YOU BEGGING FOR MORE. GOD, DON’T ASK ME TO EXPLAIN, NOT AGAIN. I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU EXPECT OF ME, I’M JUST A SCAB AND YOU’RE NOT MUCH MORE THAN A TONGUE. I’M THE EYES OF A DOG WHILE YOU’RE THE ARSEHOLE I’M SNIFFING.

IT’S NOT ABOUT HER!!! IT’S NOT EVEN ABOUT HER EITHER, AND SHE AIN’T EVEN IN THIS EQUATION. I REALLY WISH YOU WOULD STOP ASSUMING TO APPROXIMATE THE MISS-CALCULATED TARGET OF MY PROJECTED BLAME, YOU REALLY DON’T KNOW ME THAT WELL. IT’S NOT FOR THE LOVE OF IT EITHER… IT’S BETTER WE DON’T ACKNOWLEDGE THE SITUATION AND JUST PRETEND I DIDN’T MENTION IT… PRESUMPTUOUS FUCKING BITCHES!!!

BUT CHRIST, YOU NEVER SMELT SO FUCKING GOOD. IF WOMEN WERE INK, I WOULD PAINT MY FISTS BLACK AND BLUE UPON THEIR SELF-ATONED CONFESSIONS!!! IF SEX IS SIN THEN WE ARE BOTH OLDER THAN THE RIFT OF THE DEVIL’S COVET. IF YOU WERE HERE RIGHT NOW I WOULD PRESS YOU SO HARD AGAINST THE WALL IT WOULD BLEED. I WOULD SUFFOCATE YOU WITH YEARS OF LOATHING AND STRIKE YOU DOWN WITH THE BACK HAND OF THE DOOR. I WOULD RAISE YOU UP TO MY GOD, A MASTICATED CHILD-WHORE, BEHEADED AND BELOVED AND BECKONING A SACRIFICE FOR MY BURDONINGS. IF YOU WERE HERE I WOULD STRIP YOUR HOLES NAKED AND SHAVE YOU TO THE BONE. I WOULD BLESS YOUR DEJECTION WITH HAMMER AND NAILS THROUGH YOUR TEETH TO MUZZLE YOUR FUCKING USELESS FUCKING MOUTH SHUT FOR GOOD, ONCE AND FOR ALL. I WOULD TELL YOU HOW SPECIAL YOU REALLY AIN’T. I WOULD TELL YOU HOW MUCH I KEPT YOUR FIGMENT COMPANY. I WOULD SHOW YOU HOW ABUSED I VIOLATED YOUR PORNOGRAPHY EVER SINGLE MOTHERFUCKING DAY OF MY UNIMPORTANT FUCKING LIFE. I WOULD PAY YOU JUST TO DO NOTHING. I WOULD TAKE MY FUCKING TIME TO BEAT YOU LIKE A FUCKING CHOPPING BLOCK. I WOULD TAKE MY TIME. YEAH, I WOULD TAKE MY FUCKING TIME. GOT ALL THE MOTHERFUCKING TOTALITARIAN FUCKING TIME IN THE MOTHERFUCKING WORLD. YOU AIN’T GOING NO PLACE. ONLY HERE WITH ME. AND I SURE AS SHIT AIN’T GOING NOWHERE. NEVER WENT ANYWHERE. NEVER GOING TO GO ANY PLACE EITHER ANY DAY ANYWAY. AND WE ALL KNOW NO ONE IS COMING. COS NO ONE EVER FUCKING DOES. IF YOU WERE HERE RIGHT FUCKING NOW I WOULD STRETCH YOU OUT UPON A HUNDRED THOUSAND HUMILIATIONS YOU FUCKING DESERVE INFINITELY AS MUCH AS I FUCKING DO!!!

SO LET’S ASK THE QUESTION, HOW MANY TIMES COULD I RAPE YOU BEFORE I BORE OF YOUR HIDEOUS SKIN???

HOW MANY TIMES COULD I KILL YOU BEFORE YOU FINALLY FUCKING LEFT ME THE FUCK ALONE???

HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I BEEN BACK AND FORTH IN THIS SHIT HOLE I HAVE TO CALL MY CLUSTERFUCK OF A HEAD??? I DON’T WANT TO STAY HERE… I DON’T WANT TO DO THIS AGAIN… I DON’T WANT TO KNOW THAT I’M RIGHT… THAT I DON’T KNOW ANYTHING… FUCK YOUR FUCKING IRONY… FUCKING CONTRADICTIONS… FUCKING IDIOT.

AND DON’T YOU FUCKING TELL ME YOU KNEW I WAS IN TROUBLE!!! DON'T YOU FUCKING GIVE THAT FUCKING LINE AGAIN!!! WE ALL KNOW WE SURE AS SHIT AIN’T ON THE SAME FUCKING PAGE!!!

PORNO-DISTRACTIONS AND BUTCHERED CUNTS MAKE UP THE VERY MORTAR OF MY NICELY TUCKED AWAY PRISON CELL.

BACK AND FORTH.

BACK AND FORTH FROM NOWHERE TO ANYWHERE. BUT ANYWHERE ALWAYS ENDS UP A DEAD END TO NO PLACE I WANT TO BE AT.

BACK AND FORTH.

BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN LAUGHING AND ABSOLUTE FUCKING HATRED!!!

BACK AND FORTH.

I HAD YOU. PRIED YOUR LEGS APART AND FINGERED YOU LIKE A PIG AT THE TROUGH. I HAD YOU AND YOU LOVED IT. I HAD YOU AS VULNERABLE AS LUST TO THE SLAUGHTER. I HAD YOU AND YOU LOOKED LIKE YOU DIDN’T EVEN RECOGNISE MY FUCKING FACE AS I FUCKED YOU BACKWARDS. I HAD YOU DOWN WITH THE FLASHING GLOW OF A MILLION MAGGOTS EATING YOUR HALF CAVED IN CRANIUM. I HAD YOU AND YOU MOSTLY PLAYED IT LIKE AN UNIMPRESSED PUPPET WITH MY HAND UP YOUR WOMB AND YOUR ARSE RED FROM MY BEATINGS AND WOODEN SPOON. I HAD YOU SPLIT OPEN DOWN THE CROSS-SECTION WITH A THOUSAND TEASURES OF TORTURED ENTRAILS STREWN UPON MY UNGRATEFUL SEWER DELIGHTS. I HAD YOU. ALL THE WAY AND I LEFT NOTHING BUT THE ECHOS FOR THE SALT TO PURGE… BUT THAT’S MORE THAN YOU LEFT ME.

BACK AND FORTH.

TELL ME AGAIN THAT I’M GOING TO BE GREAT SOME DAY. REMIND ME WHAT I’M WAITING FOR. GIVE ME ANY OLD LIE JUST TO TAKE MY MIND OFF THE REAL REASON YOU’RE HERE.

YOU’RE NOT EVEN HERE.

YOU ARE LESS THAN MY PISS I USE TO GET YOU WET.

YOU WERE WHISPERS AND SCREAMS. YOU ARE LIES AND DELUSIONS. YOU CAN NEVER BE ANYTHING MORE THAN WHAT I WANT TO SODOMIZE WITH AN AXE AND BIBLICAL DELIRIUM!!!

BACK AND FORTH.

GIVE ME YOUR UNHOLY IMAGE AND I DEFILE YOUR VERY MEMORY WITH OCEANS OF ATROCIOUS PROFANITIES CHURNING IN MY BELLY LIKE VOMIT FOR YOUR PLEADING PALMS!!!

YOU ARE NOT MY MOTHERFUCKING MARTYR!!!

YOU ARE NO PURITAN NOR PATIENT LIBERTINE!!!

YOU ARE NEITHER GOAT NOR GOD. A PARODY OF PERVERSION GONE ASTRAY IN THE RANCID GUTTERS BEHIND THE CORNERS OF MY EYES!!!

TOO MUCH TIME TO MYSELF. TOO MANY NIGHTS WITHOUT A BETTER EXCUSE. TOO LATE TO FIND ANOTHER TRADE OFF TO FOB MY LIFE OFF WITH. I WANT WHAT I WANT. AND IT IS GROTESQUE TO THE EXTREME.

NEVER NEEDED YOUR PERMISSION. FUCK YOUR CONSENT. THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOUR PRIDE, THIS IS ABOUT MY PRIORITIES GONE STRAIGHT TO HELL… AND I DRAG YOU KICKING AND SCREAMING AND LOVING IT WITH ME… AND YOU HATE IT… OR WHATEVER THE FUCK GETS ME OFF AT THE TIME.

TELL ME YOU WANT IT.

TELL ME YOU LOVE IT.

TELL ME TO STOP.

FORCE ME TO STOP.

MAKE ME STOP.

MAKES ME STRONGER.

BACK AND FORTH.

LIKE MY CURIOSITIES UP YOUR COLOSTOMY, THE ONLY QUESTION IS, ARE THERE ANY QUESTIONS???

GOD DAMNED RIGHT I GOT A FEW!!! BUT YOU DON’T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT ME… I ENCOURAGE YOUR TREACHERY. RESPECT IS ONLY AS COMPLACENT AS THE DEGRADATION OF TEMPTATION RETURNING.

KILL HER.

I HATE HER.

BUT IT’S LUST, BUT IT‘S ALL THE SAME TO YOU.

DID I SHOW YOU THE TONGUE OF MY LAST LOVER??? IT’S IN THAT JAR IN THE CORNER. DID I TELL YOU ABOUT THE TIME I WAS WALKING DOWN THE STREET WHEN THIS LITTLE GIRL RAN OUT IN FRONT OF ME AND ALL I COULD THINK ABOUT WAS SNATCHING HER UP BEFORE ANYONE SAW SO I COULD FEED HER TO MY PLUMBING??? DID I MENTION I REALLY DIG THE LOOK IN YOUR EYE WHEN I FUCK YOU AND YOU HATE IT???

NO, IT’S OK.

NO, IT’S REALLY NOT.

IT’S JUST A HYPERBOLE. IT’S JUST SATAN IN THE EGO. IT’S JUST A PINCH OF SALT. A PINCH IN THE DARK. THE PINCH THAT BROKE THE CAMELS BACK. BACK THERE YOU WERE THREE. THE 3 X THE 3 X THE 3. WHERE DID I PUT MY KNIFE??? IS THAT THE SMELL OF MY SEMEN OR OF YOUR HAIR??? COULDN’T SAY. DIDN’T SAY. WOULDN’T DO WHAT YOU WOULD WANT. AND IT FELL APART AND IT KEEPS FAILING TO HIT BOTTOM. THE BOTTOM THAT NEVER LOOKED SO CLOSE. BUT WE FIND THE BOTTOM LESS THAN PERFECT IN THE EYES OF AN IM-PURIST. SO MUCH MORE. WORSE. WET WHEN I’M COLD. PARCHED WHEN I’M PAINED. SEE THE FABIC OF THE FRAMEWORK FOLD IN TWO. I CAN HEAR THEM. MY SHOULDER HURTS. NEVER HAD THIS PROBLEM BEFORE. REMINDS MY OF A DEAD MAN’S LYNCHING. IS IT LUCK??? WAS IT STRESS??? AM I JUST FORGETTING??? FORGOTTEN AMBITION. MOTIVES GONE SOUR AND FERMENTING WHAT IT BEGAN AS. WHAT POINT WAS THERE??? GIVEN UP THE GIVEN INS AND GOT LITTLE TO SHOW FOR MYSELF. WOULD GIVE UP JUST A BIT MORE IF A MONKEY WOULD GET ON MY BACK SO I MIGHT MAKE AN EXAMPLE OUT OF IT. MAYBE THAT’S WHY MY SHOULDER ACHES. NEED SOME PRESSURE TO KEEP MY FEET ON THE GROUND. LOCALISE THE SITUATION. FORCE FEED ME SOME REALISATION ABOUT MY WEAKENED STATE OF MIND. SHOW ME THE DIRECTION TO CRAWL FOR. COME ON THEN. GIVE UP THE THREAT AND MAKE ME FLINCH AT THE IDEA. THE PARANOID SOLUTION THAT JUST 1 TOO MANY WILL POSTPONE THE CONTEMPLATED CONNECTION OF PSYCHOSIS AND INERTIA. PUSH IT THROUGH. I USE BOTH HANDS AND CUP HER TIGHT. BOTH INDEX FINGERS INTO AND STRETCHING HER APART. MAKES FOR NO BETTER ENTRY. THE PATH WAS NOT SET. THE LIGHTS ARE NOT NEEDED. COULD YOU HEAR ME BREATHE IF I CHOKED YOU FUCKING SILENT???

THE APPLE LOST ITS TASTE. MY FAULT??? CAN’T RECALL. IS THIS WHAT IT’S LIKE TO JUST SLIP AWAY??? TO GET AWAY WITH IT??? TO NEVER REAP THE CONSEQUENCES. A MOCKING HYSTERIA THAT PLAYS CRIPPLE WITH THAT BASTARD HOPE. DID YOU EVER HEAR A DEVIL MUTTER SO SWEAT A LINE: CONSEQUNCES ARE FLEETING IF AT ALL. THE RANDOM BULLET IS AS DIVINE AS THE CLOUDS ARE CONSCIOUS.

THEY TALK OF VAGUE INEQUITIES WHILE I BURN THEIR CHILDREN ON THE SPIT BEHIND MY SHAMEFUL SECRETS YOU PRY AT LIKE A VULTURE TO MY MARROW. THESE INITIATIONS ARE NOT RIDDLES. IT’S MY GREED IN HER GUT. THE STEPS NEVER GET OLD. CAN YOU HEAR THE INMATES BEHIND EVERY WHIMPER I EVER IGNORED??? THEY DID THE DIRTY, I JUST LET THE MOMENT PASS LIKE A MORNING I NEVER NOTICED. SO SIMPLE. LET IT SLIDE. LET IT GET AWAY. GETTING AWAY. GETTING AWAY FROM ME. NEVER HAD IT AT ALL. JUST WATCHED IT PASS BY. SURE I REACHED OUT AND TRIPPED IT UP LIKE A UGLY CHILD AND BEAT IT WITH MY CONTRIVED TOYS. SURE I DRAGGED IT INSIDE AND AWAY FROM THE PASSING MOMENT TO WHORE IT FOR A WHILE. SURE I STILL HAVE IT AND RAPE HER MOST EVERY DAY. IT’S MY RIGHT. THE FREE WILL OF THE HIDEOUS. NO HARM DONE, NO HARM GAINED. SO YOU COULD SAY I HAVE A HOVEL OF BLUDGEONED MEMORABILIA. NO WORSE THAN MY MENTIONING. COME AS NO SURPRISE. COME TO THOSE THAT PAY. PAY THE WORM YOUR PENNIES AND LAY DOWN FOR THE DITCH-DIGGERS. SEE THE INCISION THAT THE OBLIVIOUS PERPETUATES. DID I CAUSE THIS??? DIDN’T I??? DOES IT REALLY FUCKING MATTER???

MY EYES ARE SORE.

I COULD SLEEP, BUT IT DISGUSTS ME. AND WHERE WILL THE PASSING GET ME??? NO END HERE NOR ANY BEGINNING. THE CONTINUATION OF THINGS I NEVER LIKED. PERVERSIONS INDULGED TILL THERE WAS NOTHING LEFT BUT THE VULGAR AND COARSE. BUT OF COURSE THERE ARE ALWAYS MORE FUCKING HOLES I CAN SOIL. SPOIL THE SWINE WITH THE FORMULAR AND FLAME. CONFRONT AND RESIST. ARREST AND SCOURGE. I WANT SOME MORE. MORE!!! I WANT TO TEAR YOUR HAIR OUT AND HEMORRHAGE YOU FROM THE INSIDE. I WANT YOU SPREAD AS THIN AS YOUR BROKEN HYMEN. I WANT YOU TO GO APE SHIT WITH ALL THE SPITE OF YOUR REPRESSED LEGACY UPON MY STUPIDITY. PIN ME DOWN WITH YOUR MOST TIMELY GUILT-TRIP. YOU KNOW ME SO WELL. KNEW ME. DID YOU??? LONG TIME AGO. THERE IS NO ONE HERE. NO ONE. NO ONE AT ALL. JUST MOTHERFUCKERS. LITTLE THINGS I KEEP TO MYSELF. BRING TO THE SURFACE. STROKE HER THROAT. CHOKE. SLIT. HACK TO PIECES. WOULDN’T YOU KNOW???

DIDN’T I KNOW I WAS HERE??? THE CONCEPT SOUNDS FAMILIAR, BUT CAN’T SWEAR I KNEW IT AT ALL. DID SHE FAKE IT??? I WOULD BE SURPRISED IF SHE DIDN’T.

THE AIR IS DRY.

I NEED A DRINK.

IF IT WASN’T FOR HER I WOULDN’T EVEN HAVE KNOWN HER. IF IT WASN’T FOR MY IRRITATIONS YOU WOULDN’T HAVE EVEN FUCKING SEEN MY FIST FOR THE FIRST FUCKING TIME.

NOTHING HAPPENS UNLESS I MAKE IT.

A GOD IS A BORED LITTLE BOY.

HOW OFTEN I WOULD WIPE THIS WORLD CLEAN, YET I RELISH THESE TORMENTS. REVENGE IS A DISH BEST SERVED TO MYSELF. YOUR PATHETIC STRUGGLE IS NO MATCH. GOT TO GIVE YOU A HEAD START OR THIS WOULD BE NO FUN AT ALL. IF I JUST CUT YOUR HEAD OFF, THEN WHAT FOREPLAY WILL I HAVE WITH YOUR DISMEMBERSHIP???

IF YOU SAY NO, I WILL REMEMBER.

IF YOU SAY YES, I WON’T BE LISTENING.

THIS IS NOT MY MESS. I DIDN’T DO THIS.

GUILTY AS SIN.

WITH HER HANDS TIED AND MY FINGERS SHAKING I CAN EASE HER OVER THE RIM SO SHE MIGHT LET GO. SO I MIGHT TRICK HER INTO SUBMITTING SOMETHING I KNOW SHE HASN’T GOT.

THIS WORM IS EMPTY. SWALLOWED THE WORLD AND STILL NOT FULL. IF I BASHED HER A LITTLE BIT MORE SHE MIGHT FINALLY FUCKING SHUT HER FACE. SAVE FACE. WHAT FACE??? SHE IS A LEG HERE AND THERE. ORGANS STREWN IN LOOSE NEWS PAPER. STRAY CATS DON’T MAKE THIS MUCH LITTER. I CUT HER LEFT ARM OFF WITH A HACKSAW AND MY GRINNING TEETH, THEN ROLLED LAST YEARS MORNING PAPER AROUND THE LIMB LIKE SO MUCH DOG ROLL AND KEPT IT IN THE CORNER FOR LATER. LATER. MUCH LATER. AND IT’S STILL THERE. GOD, THE STENCH IS UNBELIEVABLE. I USED NEEDLE-NOSE PLIERS TO RETRACT HER SKIN. A CLAW HAMMER TO BASH IN THOSE RIBS IN MY FUCKING WAY. AND 3 LITERS OF MILK TO WASH HER SPINE CLEAN. THE CAVITY WAS CRUDE BUT THE PASSENGER WAS HUMORING. JUST LAY BACK. JUST DON’T MOVE A MUSCLE I HAVEN’T YET SEVERED. JUST BE ALL THAT THE BUTCHERED CAN BE. BE. BECOME. COME. CUM FOR ME. NO THANKS. I WASN’T OUT TO PLEASE. I DON’T EVEN LIKE YOUR SHALLOW VOICE OF WEAK EFFORTS. I ONLY WANTED YOUR WARFARE. THE DAMAGING INTRUSIONS AND SODDEN COLLISIONS. ALL I HEAR ARE THE SOUNDS THAT GANG-BANGED ANAL PORNSTARS MAKE ON CAMERA TO SPITE THEMSELVES AND THE 4 FRENZIED COCKS ON ALL FOURS UPON HER. FAKE IT, LIVE IT, LIE IT, LOVE IT, ALL MEANS JAKESHIT TO ME. THE OBNOXIOUS GLUTTON OF MY OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE WOMAN HATING, CARNAL ADDICTION HAS ITS PRIORITIES PERSONIFIED IN MY PANTS. THERE IS ONLY ONE THING I WANT, AND YOU KNOW I’D KILL CHILDREN TO GET IT. THERE IS MORE GLORY IN THE DISASSEMBLY OF YOUR PALATABLE ENTITY THAN THERE IS IN ALL THE VOWS VOICELESS VIRGINS INATTENTIVELY BETRAY. GIVE ME DISILLUSIONED PROM QUEENS AND BREAST CANCEROUS ICONS OF A GENERATION OF UNRECOGNISED CUNTS. GIVE ME MURDER AND SPARE ME THE MERCY. GIVE ME ACID BURN VICTIMS AND SUICIDAL TRANSPLANT REJECTIONS. GIVE ME THE TIME OF DAY AND THEN SPIT MY SEMEN BACK IN MY FACE. THE PATH IS NARROW, BUT THE WIDER IT GETS THE MORE IT SLIPS AWAY. CLENCH DOWN. BITE DOWN. HOLD ME DOWN WITH ALL YOUR DEAD BODY WEIGHT. WAIT. NO. DON’T PULL AWAY. I WAS ABOUT TO HAVE A REALLY GOOD TIME. THEN YOU HAD TO GO AND RUIN IT BY ENJOYING YOURSELF. I FEEL SICK. YOU DISGUST ME. CHRIST, GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME. I CAN’T BELIEVE I WAS JUST INSIDE YOUR GROTESQUE FLESH. ANOTHER MESS. AND I NEED TO EAT SOMETHING. A HAM SANDWICH SOUNDS GREAT, BUT WITH A LITTLE MORE HONEY-MUSTARD YOUR FINGERTIPS WOULD TASTE ALMOST AS GOOD. SKIN THE PALM AND ADD SOME BUTTER TO THE PAN. FRY FOR NO MORE THAT A FEW MINUTES THEN THROW ON A HEAVY DOSE OF SALT BEFORE SERVING RIGHT OFF THE BONE.

YUMMY.

ICH HABE HUNGER.

GET ME TO A NUNNERY. LOCK ME IN WITH THE KNIVES. I NEED TO BE HUMILIATED BY THE PINNACLE OF YOU INSPIRATION AND VANITY. I WANT TO BLEED YOUR OWN LEECHES WITH CHISELS AND FEED THE FEVER WITH FULL FRONTAL FIXATIONS!!!

I WANT TO EAT YOUR CUNT WHILE YOU MENSTRUATE ALL DOWN MY THROAT!!!

I WANT TO POSSESS YOU WITH A FUCKING CHAINSAW FOR EVERY SECOND GUESSING SECOND TIME I THOUGHT YOU WERE MINE!!!

I WANT TO BURN YOU ALIVE SO YOU CAN CHOKE ME TO DEATH ON YOUR SMOTHERING MOTHERFUCKING SMOKE!!!

GIVE ME LITTLE FINGERS AND RESISTANT ORIFICES. HOLD ME DOWN. REMIND ME THAT I WAS NOTHING BUT A TEST. JUST A TEST. TESTING, ONE, TWO. JUST KIDDING. THIS WAS JUST A JOKE. JUST A TEST. JUST ANOTHER QUESTIONABLE NIGHT TURNED INTO MORNING AND I DON’T EVEN CARE WHAT THE FUCKING TIME IS ANYMORE THESE DAYS. MORNINGS, NIGHTS THAT HAVE BLURRED INTO ONE GREAT BIG LACK OF A BANG. YOU WHISPER THAT YOU WANT MORE AND I LOOK TO THE LEFT CORNER OF MY EYE AND THOSE SNAKES ARE COILING UPON CLUSTERS OF SUGGESTIONS SHE WON’T WANT TO HEAR. GOD, AND THE HEAD IS SLIPPING THROUGH SHALLOW PENETRATIONS OF HER CUNT, HER COLON, HER COLLAR BONES AGAINST MY CHEST. HOW SMALL IS SHE REALLY??? HOW LOW DID I GET THIS TIME??? AND NEXT TIME??? FUCK THAT SENSATION OF REVULSION THAT MAKES ME CLENCH MY FISTS ABOUT MYSELF AND MY MENTALITY MEANT FOR MESSIER MOMENTS. AND THEN IT PASSES. AND THEN SOMETIMES TIME SPEEDS UP TO THE POINT THAT I AM ABLE TO TASTE THE GRIT AND THE VERY STRUCTURE OF AIR ITSELF. THEN WHEN I ROLL UPON THE FLOOR I FIND NO MORE STAINS ON THE SOILED SHEETS. WHERE THE FUCK DID MY EVIDENCE JUST EVAPORATE TO??? DID THAT EVEN HAPPEN??? WAS I DREAMING??? AM I DELUDED??? I WAS ONCE HUNG UP OVER INNUENDOS OF THE SLIGHTEST INFLICTION… NOW I CAN’T RELATE TO A WORD ANYONE EVER NEVER SAID OUT LOUD. ONLY THE ANALOGY IS RELATIVE TO THIS PERVERSITY. ONLY THE OUTCOME IS IMPORTANT WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE.

SHUT YOUR FUCKING FACE!!!

CHRIST, YOU FUCKING DISGUST ME!!!

WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU, BITCH, TO TELL ME WHICH BITCH I CHOSE TO BITCHFUCK??? FUCK YOU, BITCH!!! FUCK YOU!!!

FUNNY HOW THESE TRANSITIONS IN OPINIONS REPEL YOU WITH A SLAP ACROSS MY FACE AND A KICK IN MY EGO’S BALLS. ONE MINUTE YOU'RE SINGING MY DISPROPORTIONATE PRAISES, THEN NEXT YOU’RE SWEARING YOUR TRUE TRANSPARENT COLOURS TO THE FLAG OF NON-LIABILITY. I WANT NOTHING MORE THAN TO MARRY YOUR EYES WITH A MACHETE. BUT THEN I SEE YOUR OPEN FUCKING LEGS. YOUR PALMS ON THE WALL. YOUR RIPE ARSE AND MOCK-PANTING LIPS DICTATING TO MY LOINS LIKE A LION IN A LUNATICS DEN. BUT THE WORMS IN MY SKULL AND THE GLOSS OF YOUR YOUTH GLINTS OFF MY AXE HEAD AGAIN. YET THAT’S ANOTHER PLAYROOM AWAY. BASEBALL BAT CLOSER. BUT A KNUCKLE NAKED KNUCKLE-DUSTER WILL HAVE TO DO. RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW… THIS WILL NEVER FUCKING END.

FUCKING WOMEN.

I HATE YOUR FUCKING SEX!!!

I HAVE THREE VERY DAMN SHARP FUCKING OBJECTS FOR YOUR MORTAL HOLES.

FUCK THAT, LET'S CAST SOME SPELLS AND SPLIT OPEN A FEW MORE.

PRESENT TENSE TENSED UP AND UNABLE TO FUCKING LET THIS GO!!!

WAIT…

DID YOU JUST SEE THAT???

SOMETHING OUTSIDE THE DOOR…

TELL ME YOU SAW THAT???

COME ON, YOU HAVE TO HAVE SEEN THAT - THAT THING!!! I’M NOT FUCKING MAKING THIS SHIT UP!!! I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD, I SAW SOMETHING!!!

WHY DON’T YOU BELIEVE ME???

WAIT…

THERE IT IS AGAIN!!!

CHRIST, IT’S LIKE THOSE FUCKING DREAMS I KEEP HAVING… RECURRING AND REMINDING ME THAT I’M NOT SLEEPING AT ALL… IT’S EASY TO SEE I’M JUST TELLING MYSELF I WANT IT TO GET WORSE… BUT HOW COME-

LOOK!!!

THERE IT IS AGAIN!!!

OVER THERE!!!

IT’S IN HERE WITH ME!!!

NO. WAIT…

IT’S NOT HERE. IT’S THERE. BEHIND YOU. NO. WAIT. IT IS YOU. YOU’RE THERE. NO. NO, YOU’RE NOT. YOU’RE NOT HERE. SO WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU THEN???

JUST A TONGUE ON THE FLOOR IN THE CORNER.

AND I THOUGHT THERE WAS MUCH MORE LEFT OVER.

CLEAN CONSCIENCE AND MY FINGER NAILS ARE SHORT.

FOR NOW.

BACK AND FORTH.

AND YOU ARE??? WHO??? BUT THE “WHO” IS UNIMPORTANT. THE “HOW” IS ALL THAT I CAN THINK OF. THE “YOU” IS ONLY AS NECESSARY AS YOUR CERVIX… SO I KNOW YOU’RE FEMALE AT LEAST… WHEN ALL I REALLY FUCKING WANT IS YOUR ARSEHOLE!!!

FACES LIKE MISTAKES. PISS ME OFF AND I WANT TO FUCK YOU BACKWARDS RIGHT OUT OF FUCKING EXISTENCE!!!

ALL I DO IS THE DEVIL’S WORK.

FUCK YOUR FIGMENT OF ME!!! WHILE I FUCK THE SHIT OUT OF MY FIGMENTS OF ALL OF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!!!

YOUR HAIR IS STILL GROWING… BUT SHE WAS SO YOUNG SHE NEVER NEEDED TO SHAVE IN THE FIRST PLACE… AND NEVER WILL.

IN AND UP THROUGH YOUR THROAT AND SOFT PALATE. OVER AND APART TILL YOUR LIMBS CAN GIVE NO MORE. I DON’T WANT TO GIVE THE WRONG IMPRESSION, BUT YOU ALL LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME WHEN I CUT YOUR FUCKING HEADS OFF!!!

THE DEVIL NEVER LOOKED SO BEAUTIFUL.

DARIA.

IS NOTHING SACRED???

TAIRRIE.

NO ONE MEANS EVERYONE!!!

NATALIE.

THAT'S A GOOD LIITLE BITCH.

RIHANNA.

NO BACKING OUT. NOT NOW. NOT EVER!!!

RACHEL.

ONLY AS DANGEROUS AS I LET YOU.

SCAR.

SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!

KATIE.

I'D FUCK YOUR RIGOR MORTIS, ROTTEN!!!

JESSICA.

IT'S ALL ABOUT ME, MOTHERFUCKER!!!

YULIA.

HOW EXACTLY???

KRISTIN.

IF YOU SEEK SODOMY.

BRITNEY.

DON'T TOUCH, NOW.

MONICA.

I'D STILL FUCK YOU IF YOU WERE A BOY.

BEYONCE.

TRANSLATE THIS, BITCH.

SCARLETT.

JUST IMAGINE WHAT I'LL DO TO THE REST OF YOU.

KEIRA.

MY FIST IS MY FUCKING "GIFT" FOR YOU!!!

CHANTY.

ANOTHER NEW POSTER GIRL FOR MISOGYNY.

AGYNESS.

YOU WON'T EVEN NOTICE UNLESS YOU'RE FUCKING TOLD.

LILY.

MINE TO MUTILATE, MARTYR AND MOLEST AGAIN AND AGAIN, MOTHERFUCKER!!!

JENNIFER.

WHO'S FUCKING BLUFFING???

MEGAN.

DON'T EVEN FUCKING LOOK AT ME.

EVA.

YOU MADE ME BLOW MY LOAD, BABY.

DOREEN.

BET I CAN MAKE YOU BELIEVE IN HATE, RAPE AND FUCKING VOODOO.

CIARA.

KATIE.

TOLD YOU I COULD MAKE YOU FUCKING SMILE!!!

HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES???

VANESSA.

THIS IS TO DO WITH NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU.

ANNE.

YOUR HEAD HERE.

YOU.

FOR MY IDLE HANDS

HOW MY NAMELESS SOLILOQUIES BETRAY MY IRRATIONAL FINGER POINTING.

WHO ARE THESE FUCKING PEOPLE BUT PORNOGRAPHIC INSTRUMENTS I TOIL WITH EVERY FUCKING MOMENT I MOLEST WITH WIRE CUTTERS AND TURPENTINE???

BUT IT’S NOT EVER HER. SHE ISN’T EVEN HERE. YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I’M TALKING TO MYSELF ABOUT, SO SHUT THE FUCK UP AND DON’T ACT LIKE THIS HAS JACK SHIT TO DO WITH YOU!!!

WHAT IS A FACE BUT A LICENSE TO DEMAND YOUR OWN IDENTITY DIFFERENCES MILES APART FROM THE REST OF THOSE THAT NEVER LOOKED ANYTHING LIKE YOU AT ALL. BUT WHAT DOES A FACE MATTER WHEN IT IS THE WORKS THAT GODS SETTLE THEIR DEBTS WITH??? BUT “WORK DONE BY BEAUTY-APES ISN’T WORTH THE LACK OF A MENTION.” SAID THE SELF-GLORIFIED HARLOT. APPRECIATING THE LABOUR BEHIND HER VANITY YET OBVIOUSLY ADORING HER OWN SILVER SPOON ATTRIBUTES GREATER THAN ANY BROKEN BEAT DOG’S PRIDE OVER HIS OWN SHIT. ARGUE HOW THE FLESH IS NOT THE MEANS TO AN ENDS, WHILE STANDING ON THE SHOULDERS OF GIANTS YOU HAPPILY WALK ALL OVER.

AND HOW I LAY MY BRIMSTONE DOWN FOR HER TO TREAD UPON, AND NOT ONCE WILL SHE LOOK AT WHAT LIES I LAY BEFORE HER.

IT’S A DOUBLE-HEADED ADDICTION AT ITS MOST DECEPTIVE.

YOUR MEANS TO YOUR ENDS. BUT MY ENDS MEANS YOUR DESECRATION.

BUT THEY ARE NOT REAL. THESE ARE BUT FACES BURNED ON THE INSIDE OF MY CLOSED EYELIDS. HOW I SEE THINGS IS NOT HOW THEY ARE, THEY ARE HOW I MAKE THEM.

BACK AND FORTH.

BACK AND FORTH, BUT THE TRUTH IS I DON’T WANT THIS END.

TILL I CUM.

THEN IT STARTS ALL OVER AGAIN.

BACK AND FORTH.

MAKING THE WORST OF A SHIT SITUATION.

WHAT ELSE AM I TO DO WITH ALL THIS TIME ON MY IDLE HANDS IN THIS HELL???

THE ARTIST

BERLIN, APRIL 2009