BLACK DECEMBER
THE BANE OF MY LIFE
2007 - 2008
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BLACK DECEMBER
THE FIRST WEEK OF DECEMBER 2007 BEGAN ALL FUN AND GAMES... BY CHRISTMAS I HAD LOST EVERYONE I CARED FOR...
I WROTE THE FOLLOWING 9 LETTERS DURING A MENTAL BREAKDOWN... I ONLY POSTED ONE OF THEM... BUT NONE OF THEM HELPED...
THIS IS ABOUT MORE THAN ONE GIRL... THEY KNOW WHO THEY ARE... AND I KNOW I HAVE DONE THEM ALL A WRONG...
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LETTER (1)
FUCK???
I FUCKED AND SODOMISED HER!!! I AM IN LOVE WITH HER… I AM IN LOVE WITH HER PERFECTLY TIGHT LITTLE FUCKING ARSEHOLE!!!
I AM IN CHARGE HERE!!! YOU ARE THE DISTRACTION!!! YOU ARE THE PREOCCUPATION!!! I AM THE LIAR, THE DEDICATION AND THE ONE BETWEEN YOUR FUCKING LEGS AND HARD UP INSIDE YOU RIGHT FUCKING NOW!!!
I PUSH THE ALPHA AND YOU OBEY!!! YOU TAKE WHATEVER I FORCE UPON YOU AND YOU ACTUALLY BELIEVE YOU WANT MORE!!! BEG FOR MORE!!! ON ALL FOURS AND SUBMITTING!!! HURT YOURSELF FOR ME!!! BUT DONT JUST FUCKING TRY AND KILL YOURSELF FOR ME!!! YOU WILL DO EXACTLY WHAT I WANT OR GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY SIGHT!!!
THINK WHAT YOU LIKE!!! REDUCE YOURSELF TO BASE FUNCTIONS!!! PRACTISE WHAT I PREACH AND WHEN I SAY “COME HERE!!!”; YOU BETTER DROP AND GIVE ME YOUR WELL WORN ORIFICES WITH A PUCKERED UP POUT ON YOUR SEWER EYE; AND YOU SURE AS HELL BETTER MAKE ME FUCKING BELIEVE IT!!!
I FUCKED AND SODOMISED HER!!! AND SHE LOVES ME FOR IT... SHE LOVES THE WAY I FUCKING HATE HER AND EAT HER TIDY TINY CUNT OUT TIL SHE CUMS LIKE A RAPE VICTIM!!!
SECRET SODOMY AND ENVIOUS INSINUATIONS FROM JEALOUS SISTERS!!! YEAH, I'M A SUCKER, A COCK AND A STUPID MOTHERFUCKER... I'LL ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR ARGUMENTS AND I'LL BACK YOU UP BENT OVER AND WATCHING YOUR SHOULDER BLADES AND SPINE WHILE YOUR FACE PLANTS THE FLOOR!!! MY GROTESQUE DELIGHTS DOWN YOUR HAIRLESS HOLES AND PRETTY YOUNG MOUTH AS WIDE AS YOUR RECTUM IS SEALED UPON MY EVER SO GOOD INTENTIONS!!! I DIDN'T MEAN TO HURT YOU DEEP INSIDE YOUR COLON... I DIDN'T WANT TO MAKE YOU GET SO ATTACHED TO MY PENETRATIONS... I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE SO EASILY FUCKED UP OVER GETTING FUCKED UP YOUR ARSEHOLE!!! FUCKING MALLEABLE MEAT!!! YOUR FLESH DOES STRETCH!!! TAKE IT LIKE A BITCH!!!
YEAH YEAH... IT WAS YOUR IDEA... YOU WANTED IT THIS WAY... IT'S YOUR FAVOURITE POSITION... FACE DOWN, LEGS WIDE, MY WHOLE BODY WEIGHT BALLS DEEP UP YOUR CHEEKS!!! IT'S NOT YOUR FIRST TIME... IT'S NOT COMFORTABLE... BUT YOU WANT TO MAKE ME HAPPY... TAKE IT SLOW... HANDS ON YOUR THROAT... LUBE IT UP... SLIP IT IN... FURTHER AND FASTER... BREATHE HARDER... TAKE IT ALL THE WAY... YOU WILL GET USED TO THIS... IT WILL GET EASIER... RELAX AND PUSH BACK... TELL YOURSELF I GIVE A FUCK IF YOU'RE ENJOYING YOURSELF!!! TELL ME YOU LOVE IT!!! TELL ME TO CUM UP YOUR ANUS SO I CAN LEAVE A LITTLE PART OF ME IN YOUR SHITHOLE OF A WORTHLESS FUCKING EXISTENCE!!!
1... 9... 172... WHATS THE DIFFERENCE??? NEVER QUITE THE SAME BUT ALL EXACTLY IDENTICAL TO THE INSERTION!!! ARSEHOLES, CUNTS AND TONGUES... TAKE THIS... TAKE THIS... YOU KNOW YOU FUCKING NEED THIS... YES, I ADORE YOU FOR YOUR APPREHENSIVE OBEDIENCE... YES, I RESPECT YOU AND YOUR PRECIOUS BLOOD LOSS... YES, YOU ARE EVER SO IMPORTANT TO ME WITH YOUR CHICKENSHIT, PISS WEAK SELF ESTEEM... NO, I'M LYING, NOW SPREAD YOUR ARSEHOLE AGAIN AND SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! NO, IM KIDDING, YOU REALLY ARE THE ONE AND ONLY I JERK OFF OVER... YEAH, NO, I'M LYING AGAIN, I FUCKING CAN'T STAND YOUR GOD AWFUL FUCKING VOICE!!! - EXCEPT WHEN YOU'RE FRANTICALLY TELLING ME NOT TO FUCKING STOP!!! 3... 2... 1... AND DID YOU CUM???
I FUCKED AND SODOMISED HER!!! HER BODY ON MY BODY!!! MY FLESH IN HER FLESH!!! BUT WE 2 ARE NOT ONE!!! THIS CARNAL CALCULATION IS INACCURATE TO THE CORE OF HER CUNT!!! SHE MAY BE AN ALPHA, BUT I ONLY FUCK HER OMEGA!!!
LINE EM UP!!! SHOOT EM DOWN!!! ON A LEASH, SHE IS THE BITCH ON HEAT AS I AM THE DOG ON HER TWO FACED INSECURITY!!! DOUBLE CHAMBER, DOUBLE PENETRATION, HER FALSE PRETENCES ARE FOREPLAY TO THE FOREPLAY ON HER DOUBLED UP SEXUAL DIGESTIONS... SWALLOWS, COMPLAINS, OFFERS, RESISTS, NEVER WANTS THE COMPLICATIONS THAT WILL OCCURE IF SOMEONE ELSE FINDS OUT ABOUT US... ABOUT WHAT WE ARE DOING... WHAT I AM DOING TO HER... AND SO MANY OTHER LITTLE GIRLS... GIRLS WITH CURIOSITIES... A TOUCH OF EAGER PERVERSITY AND HER BEST FRIEND WATCHING FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM... COME JOIN IN, WALK AWAY, DO WHAT EVER THE FUCK YOU LIKE, BUT DO WHAT I PLANT IN YOUR CROP OF PEACHES AND SUGGESTIBILITY OR I'LL TOSS YOUR INEXPERIENCED ASS ON THE PILE WITH THE REST OF THOSE I DISCARD LIKE SO MUCH LATEX AND BODY FLUIDS!!! YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE TO CALL ME “IDIOT” TONIGHT, BITCH!!!
LOOK AT ME WITH THAT EVER SO SINCERE GLARE... STARE ME DOWN... TRY AND REACH THAT SOUL BEHIND MY DISCOLOURED EYES... SNIFF MY EAR AND LICK MY THROAT... BLINK AWAY ONLY TO LOOK RIGHT BACK AT WHAT I'M WATCHING... DO YOU SEE IT??? DO YOU KNOW WHAT I'M AFTER??? DON'T FUCKING KID YOURSELF, BITCH!!!
DON'T TELL, BUT IM UTTERLY I LOVE WITH YOU... YOUR FUCKING ARSEHOLE WHEN ITS CLENCHED HARD UPON MY COCK!!!
I FUCKED AND SODOMISED HER!!! AND SHE IS EVER SO FUCKING SPECIAL TO ME... GOT HER ON HER KNEES... INSIDE HER AND MAKING HEAD WAY... BUT EVERY HOLE I SINK INTO HOLDS NO ANSWERS!!! THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WITHIN HER BUT WHAT I LEAVE... MAYBE MY KNIFE WILL OPEN UP WHAT MY COCK CAN FINALLY FUCK UP ONCE AND FOR FUCKING ALL???
IF GOOD INTENTIONS PAVE THE ROUTE TO HELL... THEN ALL THE PAIN I CAUSE YOU SHOULD GET ME CLOSER TO THE PEARLLY GATES BENEATH YOUR TINY DRESS... BUT LETS FACE IT... HURTING YOU IS ALL I FUCKING NEED TO PUT A SMILE ON MY FACE, MOTHERFUCKER!!! “TO CHEAT AND NEVER BE CHEATED???” IT'S AN EASY ENOUGH QUESTION... HOW DEEP IS YOUR RECTUM??? I KNOW YOUR CUNT ENDS AT YOUR GARDEN OF ABORTIONS, BUT AT WHAT POINT DOES YOUR SHITHOLE FILL WITH YOUR BULLSHIT??? HOW MUCH CRAP ARE YOU REALLY FULL OF??? IF I PUSH ON IN, CAN I PUSH RIGHT ON THROUGH??? CAN I PUNCH PAST THE SEWER OF YOUR GUTS AND ANOREXIC CONSPIRACIES AND REACH RIGHT UP INTO THE BELLY OF YOUR BEAST??? CAN YOU STOMACH WHAT I HAVE TO PUT INSIDE YOUR MALIGNANT CAVITIES??? CAN I EVEN FORCE YOU WIDER AND STRETCH AND TEAR MY FINGERS ALL THE FUCKING WAY UP AND OUT OF YOUR GAPPING LIPS JUST TO HOLD YOUR FUCKING TONGUE!!!???!!!
I KNOW YOU'RE A DOLL AND I'M AN OLD DOG.... YEAH, I KNOW I HAVE A PROBLEM LETTING GO... YEAH, I FUCKING KNOW I LEFT YOU TO ROT, AND YET I STILL GIVE A DAMN ABOUT WHERE YOU PARK YOUR MOUTH... I TOLD YOU WHAT I WANT FROM YOU, THE UGLY CONSEQUENCES THAT CAN NEVER BE ALLOWED TO SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY... I KNOW YOUR BODY IS A TEMPLE BUT MINE IS THE DEVIL'S AND HE WANTS WHAT'S UNDER YOUR PILLOW... DON'T ASK WHAT YOU ALREADY KNOW IM THINKING... I CAN HELP YOU WITH YOUR PROBLEMS... I CAN MAKE THIS MESS WORSE THAN THE CHILDISH NONSENSE YOU CALL HELL... COME ON, YOU KNOW I CAN PLAY THOSE GAMES YOU PRETEND TO KNOW ALL ABOUT... DON'T YOU WANT TO GET FUCKED UP??? DON'T YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT A BAD FUCKING DAY REALLY FUCKING FEELS LIKE??? YOU FUCKING KNOW YOU NEED SCUM LIKE ME TO GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO BITCH ABOUT!!! I AM THE MISTAKE THAT BUILDS CHARACTER!!! YOU WILL HATE ME BUT LEARN THAT I MADE YOU SMARTER... HA HA... BUT THAT'S A CROCK OF PIGSHIT... I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHAT YOU BECOME!!! I AM ONLY INTERESTED IN YOUR OBEDIENCE RIGHT FUCKING NOW!!! TOMORROW IN 5 YEARS YOU CAN BE A TORTURED ARTIST, BUT RIGHT HERE, YOU ARE THE POUND OF FLESH I OWE MYSELF FOR TOLERATING YOU AND YOUR FUCKING KIND EVERY FUCKING DAY OF MY FUCKING LIFE!!!
HOW IMPORTANT AM I TO YOU??? BUT HOW DO I KNOW THAT YOU'RE NOT JUST LYING TO ME??? TELLING ME WHAT YOU RECKON I GET OFF ON HEARING??? HOW DO I REALLY KNOW FOR SURE THAT YOU'RE NOT LYING TO MY FACE ONCE AGAIN??? TO GET WHAT EVER THE FUCK YOU'RE AFTER IN THIS FUCKING ABOMINATION OF A RELATIONSHIP OF BROKEN CONSISTENCIES??? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GETTING OUT OF THIS??? THIS SURE AS SHIT AIN'T ABOUT HAPPINESS!!! OH THAT'S RIGHT, WE ARE NOTHING BUT “FRIENDS”... PISS OFF!!! TELL ME HOW I'M MORE IMPORTANT THAN ANY OTHER PIECE OF SHIT ON THIS PLANET!!! FUCKING TELL ME I AM MORE IMPORTANT THAN EVERY FUCKING MOTHERFUCKER THAT EVER WAS OR WILL BE!!! FUCKING TELL IT TO ME!!! WHEN WE FUCK!!! WHEN WE ARE ALONE!!! WHEN I AM INSIDE YOUR FUCKING PHYSICAL BODY AND ALL IT'S WORLDLY FUCKING BEAUTY!!! TELL ME WHEN YOU CUM!!! TELL ME I AM MORE IMPORTANT TO YOU THAN EVEN YOURSELF!!! TELL ME WHEN I FUCKING CUM THAT YOU WANT TO HAVE MY FUCKING CHILDREN!!! TELL ME THAT WHEN I SODOMISE YOU, BITCH, SO I CAN LAUGH ABOUT IT LATER WHEN YOU'RE ON THE TOILET!!!
I FUCKED AND SODOMISED HER!!! I WOULD LIKE TO KEEP HER A WHILE LONGER, BUT SHE WILL LEAVE AND I WILL LEAVE AND ALL I AM LEFT WITH ARE HER BRUISES ON MY SKIN!!! I WASN'T HER FIRST AND I SURE WONT BE HER LAST!!! BUT NEXT TIME I FUCK HER I MIGHT GET HER TO RENOUNCE HER PAST AND LEAVE ME SOME EVIDENCE OF HER FAITH IN ME... AN ARM OR LEG WILL DO THE TRICK NICELY!!!
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LETTER (2)
WE'RE WHAT???
I LEAVE AN IMPRESSION ON HER… A CUT IN HER CUNT AND MESS ON HER MOMMY’S SHEETS…
THIS WAS NEVER ABOUT YOU… THIS WAS ABOUT YOUR SUPERFICIALITY AND YOUR PRETTY FUCKING MOUTH!!! OPEN UP BUT NOT TOO MUCH… I WANT TO FORCE YOU APART AND FEEL YOU RESIST THE INTERVENTION OF YOUR MEEK SPACES AND MY INTOLERANCE TOWARD YOUR PRESUMPTUOUS EXPRESSION OF SECOND NATURE DELUSIONS OF GRANDEUR!!!
YOU ARE NO BETTER THAN WHAT I BEND YOU OVER!!! THE OBJECT OF MY AFFECTIONS ARE IN THE SILHOUETTE OF YOUR HIPS AND THIGHS… THE TABLE ON ITS KNESS… THE BED IN THE SHOWER… THE SAUNA OF YOUR CAR… GET ON TOP, SPREAD THEM FURTHER, CLENCH DOWN AND GRIT YOUR FUCKING TEETH, BITCH!!! YOU KNOW YOU FUCKING LOVE IT WHEN YOUR HEAD IS PINNED AGAINST THE CORNER!!! GET A GRIP AND MAKE SURE YOUR FOOTING IS STEADFAST!!! GO ON, DO IT AGAIN, CUM AGAIN AND WHEN YOU TRY AND CATCH YOUR BREATH, TELL ME TO SLIP IT IN AGAIN…
I WILL NOT APOLOGIZE FOR MY BIOLOGY!!! I WILL NOT TONE IT DOWN FOR YOUR INEXPERIENCE!!! I WILL NOT STOP TILL I FUCKING FIGURE OUT WHAT IT IS EXACTLY I FUCKING WANT TO STEAL FROM YOUR NAKED DENS!!! MAYBE IT'S YOUR SUBMISSION… MAYBE IT'S YOUR BELLIGERENCE… MAYBE I JUST WANT TO SEE WANT YOUR LIPS LOOK LIKE WHEN I GET YOU TO DO WHAT YOU SAID YOU WOULD NEVER TRY… OR PERHAPS I ONLY WANT TO PISS ON YOUR TITS WHILE YOU SLEEP JUST TO BASK IN THE GLORY OF YOUR DISFIGURATION!!!
I LEAVE AN IMPRESSION ON HER… IT'S BEEN OVER A YEAR AND EVEN LONGER FOR SOME, YET SHE CAN'T GET PAST THE INFLUENCES I LEFT A FEW INCHES TOO DEEP UP HER STILL MOIST ARSEHOLE…
SLOWLY… QUIETLY… SUBTLY… IN THE DARK OF YOUR CLOSED EYES… IN THE CURIOSITY OF YOUR TURNED BACK… IN THE SAFTY OF MY ARMS YOU DON’T MIND WHERE I GO… TASTE YOUR OLD SWEAT AND IGNORE YOUR INFLECTIONS… BUT I AM WITH ANOTHER AND YOU THOUGHT I WAS SUCH A TRUST WORTHY SON OF A BITCH… BUT THEN YOU'RE BACK AND MY FINGERS ARE ROLLING OVER YOUR XXX SPOT… AND YOU'RE BREATHING UNCONSCIOUSLY HARD… AND YOUR BACK IS PRESSED BACK AGAINST MY METHODICAL CHEST… AND WE’RE MOVING IN THE TIDES OF YOUR ACCELERATION… YOU'RE A NICKEL PLATED 357 AND ALL I NEED IS ONE LITTLE FINGER TIP TO DROP A BOMB SHELL ON YOUR BONFIRE… YOU'RE CYCLES HOLD NO MYSTERY, BLEED ALL OVER ME AND I WONT HIDE THE SAVAGERY YOU BEAT INTO ME WITH SO MUCH DESPERATION IN YOUR GRIMACE… AND THEN WHEN I PLACE MY QUESTION MARK ON YOUR STEAMED AND BOILED #2, YOU SWALLOW ME WHOLE WITH A THIRST YOU DIDN’T WANT TO REVEAL… ALL OF YOU… INSIDE OF YOU… I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU - APART FROM YOU!!!
HOW THE EYE LIDS FLINCH… THIS IS TRUTH… THIS IS NOT… THIS IS NOT FOR MY EYES BUT MY EYES ONLY… I DON’T NEED TO SEE YOU TO KNOW WHAT YOUR FUCKING SHIT TASTES LIKE… TELL ME IT'S BEST WE DON’T GET INVOLVED… REMIND ME AS YOU KNOCK ON MY DOOR AND SUCK ME OFF THAT YOU'RE NOT INTERESTED… AND I THOUGHT YOU WERE SUCH A CLEVER LITTLE FUCKING BITCH!!! YES YES… I MUST BE THE FUCKED UP ONE HERE, I GOT OBSESSION ISSUES, I'M A CONTROL FREAK TRYING TO MONOPOLIZE THE SITUATION… JUST COS I WANT TO TIE YOU UP AND FUCK YOU WITH A LENGTH OF ELECTRICAL CABLE TONIGHT, DOESN’T MEAN YOU ARE THE HOLY GHOST, MOTHERFUCKER!!! SO I MADE YOU PROMISE NOT TO BE LATE, I STILL DIDNT FUCKING GUARANTEE YOU SHIT!!! YOU KNOW I FUCKING GET OFF BY GETTING YOU TO FUCK YOURSELF TEN WAYS FROM SUNDAY AND PHOTOGRAPH IT FOR ME; BUT WHAT THE CHRIST MAKES YOU MAKE BELIEVE THAT I AIN'T GETTING YOUR SIX OTHER SISTERS TO DO ANOTHER DEADLY SIN EVERY OTHER DAY OF THE WEEK, SWEAT CHEEKS???!!!???
YOUR GOD DAMNED RIGHT I’LL “SEE” YOU AGAIN… NEVER SAY NO TO A HUNGRY, GRADE-A, FUCKING CUNT!!! BUT DON’T FUCKING CLING TO MY COLLAR BONES LIKE SOME SODOMISED CATHOLIC SCHOOL GIRL… I GOT SHIT TO DO, I AIN'T INTERESTED IN YOUR BITCH-BOY COLLECTIONS, GO FIND SOME OTHER LITTLE FAGOT TO BE YOUR DIPSHIT DEVOUT WET-NURSE… JUST COS YOU SHAVE AND SAVE YOUR ANAL ORIFICE FOR MY 6 SHOOTER DOESN’T MEAN IT SMELLS ANY SWEETER BY ANY OTHER NAME!!!
I LEAVE AN IMPRESSION ON HER… BUT ALL I AM LEFT WITH IS ANOTHER NAKED WHORE IN THE BUTCHER HOUSE OF MY MORAL CORE!!!
BUT LETS CUT THE SHIT!!! YOU'RE JUST A FUCKING BITCH!!! I DONT GIVE A FUCK WHAT HAPPENS TO YOUR SORRY ASS ONCE I BOOT YOU OUT THAT FUCKING DOOR!!! GET HIT BY A TRIAN, FUCK OFF, WHATEVER, YOU USELESS SACK OF PIG SHIT!!! YOU DON'T MEAN JACK TO ME!!! FUCKING BITCH!!!
I WOULD SLIT YOUR FUCKING THROAT BUT THEN I WOULD HAVE TO PUT UP WITH YOUR STINKING FUCKING SHIT ON MY CARPET!!! AND YOU AIN'T WORTH THE STAIN REMOVER!!!
SO I'LL SURE FUCK YOUR SWEET ARSEHOLE AND SLAP YOU ABOUT TILL YOU SCREAM LIKE A DRUNKEN DOG, BUT THEN I'LL REPLACE YOU NEXT TIME I LIE TO YOUR FACE AGAIN!!! OR ARE YOU A DIFFERENT LITTLE LITTLE GIRL??? I MEANT THAT OTHER ONE... NOT YOU... OR WAS IT... FUCK, I CAN'T TELL ANYMORE... YOU'RE ALL THE FUCKING SAME!!! FUCKING BITCHES!!! FUCKING FULL OF SHIT!!! FUCKING NOTHING SPECIAL!!! NOTHING BUT MEAT ON A STICK!!! YEAH THAT'S FUCKING RIGHT, AND I MEAN MY DICK, YOU SMART ARSE CUNT!!!
I LEFT AN IMPRESSION ON HER... AND NOW IT'S OVER!!!
YOU SURE AS SHIT WONT SEE ME BEGGING YOU BACK, BITCH!!!
YOU WONT GET ME ON MY FUCKING KNEES AND PLEEDING MY BEST JUSTIFICATIONS!!!
YOU FUCKING WONT EVER HAVE ME AGAIN THE WAY WE WERE WHEN YOU PLAYED DEVIL'S ADVOCATE, YOU FUCKING PRECIOUS LITTLE DIAMOND OF SHIT!!!
I LEAVE AN IMPRESSION ON HER... YET SHE SAYS I'M A BAD INFLUENCE ON HER ASPIRING POTENTIAL THAT HAS SUCH A BIG OLD WORLD OF INNOCENT POSSIBILITIES TO GET RAPED BY... SAYS THAT I CANNOT BE TRUSTED... GEE, THAT'S A SHOCK!!!
SO FUCK OFF THEN, BITCH!!! YEAH YEAH, YOU SAY I'M NOT THAT BAD, THAT YOU STILL LIKE ME... SURE WHATEVER, FEED THAT PILE OF CRAP TO THE NEXT UNDERAGE DUMBFUCK YOU GET FUCKED IN THE ARSE BY, I DON'T INVEST IN HORSESHIT, I'VE BEEN SELLING IT BY THE TANKER LOAD LONG BEFORE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT IN YOU MAMA'S GUT!!!
YEAH SO YOU LIKE THE SEX, IT'S JUST I'M A NEGATIVE PIG AND A LYING SON OF A BITCH... BUT THAT'S OK, UNTIL NOW THAT YOU'VE BEGUN TO BECOME JUST LIKE ME... IS THAT REALLY MY FAULT??? CAN I BE BLAMED COS I TOLD YOU YOU WERE THE FINEST PIECE OF TAIL I'VE EVER HAD??? HOW WAS I MEANT TO KNOW THAT YOU WOULD PICK UP MY KNACK FOR DECEIT SO NATURALLY... I MUST BE A TRULY CRUEL BASTARD TO ENCOURAGE YOUR YOUNG SELF INTO DECEIVING EVEN YOUR CLOSEST... YEAH... YEAH, THAT'S SUCH A FUCKING CRIME... SOMEONE IN THE MORAL COURT OF SELF RIGHTEOUS DELUSIONS ARREST MY CONSCIOUSNESS!!! BUT I SWEAR I DIDN'T KNOW I WOULD MAKE YOU SOMETHING YOU ALREADY WERE!!! THIS IS A FUCKING JOKE!!! WHERE THE FUCK DO YOU WHORES THINK I LEARNED TO BE SUCH A FANASTIC FUCKING SINNER!!!???!!! FROM THIN AIR??? YOU FUCKING LIARS!!! YOU FUCKING INNUENDO PEDDLERS!!! YOU FUCKING WORTHLESS DEVILS SPINNING YARN UPON TIPPY TOES AS YOU DANCE DOWN THAT STAINLESS STEEL POLE WITH EVERY DELIBERATE GESTURE AND GLANCE AN ACT OF UTTER BETRAYAL DESIGNED TO BRING YOUR FLOCK TO THEIR WEAK FUCKING KNEES!!!
YOU FUCKING WOMEN!!! YOU HAD ME ONCE LONG AGO BUT THIS MISTER MOTHERFUCKER AIN'T KNEELING NO MOTHERFUCKING MORE!!! SO SAVE YOUR LINES FOR THE MORONS IN YOUR SPLENDIDLY ENORMOUS FUCKING FAN CLUB!!! I DIDN'T MAKE YOU ANYTHING YOU WEREN'T ALREADY BECOMING... A CUNNINGLY ARROGANT MERCHANT OF THE ILLUSION... JUST COS YOU SAID YOU LOVED MY COCK UP YOUR ASSHOLE DOESN'T MEAN I BELIEVED YOU!!! JUST COS I SAID I LOVED YOU WHEN YOU DID WHAT I SAID, DOESN'T MEAN YOU EVER ACTUALLY DID A GOD DAMNED THING I REALLY FUCKING WANTED, YOU SOLD OUT, SPINELESS ATTENTION GRUBBING SLUT!!!
I LEAVE AN IMPRESSION ON HER... BUT THAT'S A FUCKING LIE!!!
I DONT MEAN SHIT TO YOU!!! AND I NEVER DID!!! SO WHAT!!! FUCK OFF!!! YOU CAN ARGUE AND STRESS HOW IMPRORTANT MY VERY SUGGESTIONS WERE TO YOUR MEEK AND ABSORBENT INFINITY... YOU CAN TELL THEM HOW I MAKE ALL THE DIFFERENCE IN YOU DAY JUST BY SAYING “SHAKE THAT TIT!!!”... YOU CAN SAY WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU LIKE ABOUT HOW I WAS THE BEST THING IN YOUR MISERABLE FUCKING LIFE... AND I WILL LISTEN TO YOUR DECLARATIONS OF FAITH AND TRUTH... BUT I WILL NOT STICK AROUND LIKE SO MUCH PUKE ON THE TOILET OF YOUR MOUTH, BITCH!!! YOU CANNOT BREAK MY FUCKING HEART!!! THIS LITTLE IDIOT AIN'T THAT STUPID!!!
AS MUCH AS I MAY LIE TO YOUR FUCKING FACE, AS MUCH AS I MAY HOLD YOU TIGHT WHEN YOU CUM, AS MUCH AS I MAY HURT YOUR RECTUM WHEN I FUCK YOU BRUTAL - I NEVER ONCE INDULDGED THE RIDICULOUS CONFESSIONS OF YOUR LUDICROUS FUCKING LOLLY POP TONGUE!!! YOU'RE PISSING IN THE WIND, BABY!!! DO YOU FEEL THAT??? DO YOU??? NO, NOT YOUR FOOT IN YOUR MOUTH, I MEAN THE SPRAY ON YOUR FACE!!! TASTES LIKE IRONY???
FUCKING JUDAS CHICKENSHIT... I'M NOT JESUS, I'M THE COINS UP YOUR FUCKING CUNT!!! YOU CANNOT TURN YOUR BACK WHEN I'M ALREADY HOUNDING YOU!!! TELL THEM I WAS YOUR RAPIST, THEM THEM I WAS YOUR FIRST, THEM THEM I WAS YOUR FAVOURITE AND FOREVER ONE AND ONLY... FUCKING SAY WHAT YOU WANT YOU INSIGNIFICANT FUCK RAG... YOU WERE NEVER SPECIAL TO ME!!! YOU WERE RIGHT, I LIED ABOUT THAT TOO!!! YOU WERE A SCRIPT THAT I READ LIKE I WROTE IT!!! SO I FAILED MATH BUT I SURE AS FUCK KNOW WHAT HOUR IT IS, AND YOUR CLOCK IS RIGHT ON TIME WITH EVERY TACK I PLAY... YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT BITCH, YOU WERE A FUCKING GAME, JUST LIKE I WAS A FUCKING TEST... IT'S ALL A FUCKING TEST, AIN'T IT... WELL, AT LEAST WE ALL PASSED... NO ONE GETS THROUGH THIS WITHOUT SOME THICKER SKIN... SO SHALL WE CALL IT QUITS??? HA HA, NO NO NO... FUCK YOU!!! THIS IS NOT ABOUT ABSOLUTION!!! THIS IS ABOUT GETTING MY END AWAY, ALL OVER YOUR FACE!!! YOU'RE GOD DAMNED RIGHT, IT'S ALL ABOUT SEX... NOTHING MORE!!! NOTHING MORE!!! YOU HOLD NOTHING MORE FOR ME!!! NOTHING MORE!!! IT'S SEX, SEX, SEX, MOTHERFUCKER!!! AFTER THAT YOU'RE REALLY NOTHING MORE THAN A USED, FUCKED UP CONDOM TO ME... KIND OF DISGUSTING AND GOOD FOR FUCKING NOTHING!!!
I LEAVE AN IMPRESSION ON HER... AND WHAT AM I LEFT WITH BUT A BAD FUCKING TASTE IN MY MOUTH AND ANOTHER REASON TO HATE EVERY FUCKING WOMEN I HAVE EVER FUCKING SEEN!!!
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LETTER (3)
WHEN WE ARE NOTHING BUT TOGETHER!!!
I TOLD THE TRUTH… AND LOOK WHERE IT GOT ME???
JESUS FUCKING CHRIST WAS NEVER CRUCIFIED FOR ANY OF THE SINS I HAVE COMMITED IN VAIN!!!
AND WHY THE FUCK DOES THIS FUCKING HURT SO FUCKING MUCH!!!???!!!
I HAD CUT THE CENTRAL NERVOUS SYSTEM OUT OF THIS DELUSION FUCKING OVER A DECADE AGO, MOTHERFUCKERS, SO WHY THE FUCK AM I PUNCHING WALLS AGAIN OVER A FUCKING WOMAN!!!
A GIRL!!!
JUST ANOTHER FUCKING LITTLE DEVIL IN THE PIT I LIKE TO PLAY IN...
SO WHY HAVE I CRACKED??? WHY HAVE I LET YOU IN??? WHY THE FUCK DIDN’T I FUCKING STOP THIS WHEN I KNEW IT WAS STARTING TO BECOME DANGEROUS???
TELL ME TO SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!
I DID THIS!!!
CONSCIOUS CHOICE, MOTHERFUCKERS!!!
YOU WANT THE TRUTH??? NO PROBLEM, NO FUCKING PROBLEM AT ALL!!!
AHH, BUT THERE’S THE ISSUE AINT IT… I TOLD YOU THE TRUTH… MY SECRET ALPHA… I TOLD YOU WHAT I DID, ALL THE CRIMES AND DEVICES I DELIGHT IN INDULGING… I TOLD YOU AND YOU PLAYED ALONG WITH THE LIES TO HIDE OUR ENTIRE EXISTENCE… AND NOW, YOU FUCKING GUESSED IT… NOW YOU DON’T BELIEVE ANYTHING I SAY… NOW YOU HAVE STEPPED OVER THE ABYSS AND I HAVE LOST YOU TO THE FATHOMS BELOW… BUT I FUCKING THOUGHT WE WERE ON THE SAME FUCKING SIDE HERE!!! WHY THE FUCK DID YOU STOP THE NATURAL INERTIA??? WE WERE LIKE THE MOON AND THE OCEAN!!! YOU WERE MY MOST BEAUTIFUL CONCEIT!!! MY ONLY SHAME WAS NOT ILLUMINATING THE REST OF THESE MOTHERFUCKERS WITH WHO I LAUGHED LAST WITH… BUT I CAN GET AWAY WITH ANY FUCKING DISCIPLINE!!! NO NEED TO BITE MY TONGUE WHEN NO ONE SEES WHAT IS RIGHT I FRONT OF THEIR FUCKING FACES ANY FUCKING WAY!!!
AND THERE I FIND MYSELF NOW… “HOW DID IT COME TO THIS” IS NOT A QUESTION I NEED TO ASK… I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHY IT FUCKING HURTS THIS MUCH, FOR FUCK’S SAKE!!! YOU SAID I NEVER NOTICE WHAT YOU THINK…
NO!!!
I WOULD HAVE BASEBALL-BAT-FUCKED OVER ANY OF THOSE LITTLE SHITS THAT LAID A HAND ON YOU, IF ONLY YOU WOULD HAVE SURRENDED MORE THAN JUST YOUR FLESH TO ME!!!
YOU DIDN’T LET ME LET MYSELF TELL YOU WHAT I FUCKING FELT!!!
YOU FUCKING WOMEN!!!
DISMISS THAT WHICH YOU ALL SAY I DO NOT FUCKING HAVE!!!
WORD TO THE FUCKING WISE - I DO FEEL A FEW MORE SHADES BEYOND HATRED, DISGUST AND GREED!!! IF I DIDN’T APPRECIATE YOU THEN WHY THE FUCK DOES IT FEEL LIKE FUCKING GENOCIDE INSIDE MY FUCKING SKULL???
BUT WHO CARES… IT’S TOO LATE… IT’S OVER… BUT FUCK THAT SHIT!!! THIS FIST IN MY THROAT IS NOT ABOUT TO GO SO QUIETLY!!! WHEN YOU GO DOWN, YOU GO DOWN FIGHTING, MOTHERFUCKERS!!!
SO I LIED TO A MILLION OTHER LITTLE FUCKING BITCHES!!! SO I FUCKED MORE THAN MY FAIR SHARE OF NAMELESS ARSEHOLES!!! SO WHAT, I WILL NOT REPENT, REGRET OR RENOUNCE A SINGLE GOD DAMNING, MOTHERFUCKING MORAL ATROCITY I HAVE OR EVER WILL COMMIT!!! BUT WHAT YOU AND I HAD WAS DIFFERENT!!! WHAT YOU AND I HAD WAS MORE THAN THAT!!! WHAT YOU AND I HAVE IS NOT SO MUCH AN UNDERSTANDING, BUT MORE OF AN EQUALITY THAN I HAD SOUGHT TO FIND IN ANOTHER THAT I CARED TO CARE FOR.
I KNOW I BROKE THE RULES AND SAID THE WRONG SHIT AT THE WRONG TIME… AND I KNOW I HURT YOU WITH THE ACTS I LIVE BY… BUT YOU STABBED ME BACK IN YOUR OWN FUCKING WAY TOO!!! DO YOU REALLY THINK I TOLERATED YOUR “SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE” MISADVENTURES WITH LITTLE PUNKASS DUMBFUCKS WITH A PINCH OF INDIFFERANCE??? I WAS FURIOUS AT EVERY MENTION OF YOUR LIPS UPON ANOTHER’S PILLOW… YOU’RE DAMN RIGHT, I’M A DOUBLE STANDARD, JEALOUS BASTARD!!! I WANT YOU ALL TO MYSELF!!! BUT IT WAS YOU, YOU SAID YOU DIDN’T WANT ALL OF ME!!! HOW MUCH OF A KICK IN THE BALLS IS THAT… REALLY??? I HURT YOU – YOU HURT ME… YOU PROMISED TO STAY BEST BUDS DESPITE ALL THE BULLSHIT HANG-UPS WE SAW FUCKING UP EVERYTHING ELSE ALL AROUND US… WHY DID YOU CHANGE THAT IDEA??? WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME AT LEAST THAT I DIDN’T NEED A MOUTH-GUARD FOR THIS NEW GAME, THEN I WOULD HAVE BROUGHT A JOCK-STRAP SO THIS KICK IN THE BALLS WOULDN’T RIP MY FUCKING GUTS OUT LIKE IT FUCKING HAS!!!
AND FUCK, I KNOW, I FUCKING KNOW… YOU’RE SO YOUNG AND IM A PIG OF AN OLD SCHOOL BALL-BEARING… I ACCEPT THAT I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER THAN TO FALL FOR A KID… BUT LIFE’S A TRICKY MOTHERFUCKER LIKE THAT!!! AND YES!!! YES IT WAS A SURPRISE, BUT I NEVER CALLED NOR ASSUMMED YOU TO BE “NAÏVE” IN THE SLIGHTEST!!! I DESPISE INNOCENCE!!! I LOATHE IGNORANCE!!! AND I FUCKING HATE PURITY!!! BUT I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN THAT YOU WOULD RE-EVALUATE THE ORIENTATION OF THE GUIDELINES ONCE THE BED SHEETS HAD BEEN SOILED MORE OFTEN THAN NOT… I SHOULD HAVE ANTICIPATED THIS REVELATION… YOU’RE YOUNG BUT LEARNING… NAH, FUCK THAT, I KNEW THIS WAS COMING… NEVER FOOLED MYSELF TO THINK THIS WOULD LAST… BUT THE FUCKING TRUTH IS I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD FALL FOR YOU THIS FUCKING HARD!!! SO BLAME ME!!! SO FUCKING LAUGH AT MY FUCKING LACK OF SELF RESTRAINT!!! FUCKING ALL OF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS CAN POINT AND SHIT ON ME WITH ALL THE HYSTERIA OF THE RAPIST COLOSSEUM!!! KNOCK YOURSELF OUT AT MY EXPENSE, BUT FOR ALL THE LIES I GLADLY PUPPET THOSE OTHER MAGGOTS WITH SO PROFESSIONALLY, I CAN AFFORD AT LEAST THIS UTTER OF UNTAINTED TRUTH… REGARDLESS OF ALL THE SARCASMS, ALL THE INSINATIONS, ALL THE FUCKING IRONIES AND SATIRE I SPIT IN THEIR STUPID FUCKING FACES… (AND YOU CAN EVEN CALL ME A LIAR, AND DENY IT)… BUT I DO FUCKING LOVE YOU!!!
BUT THERE I FIND THIS SELF DESTRUCTIVE CIRCLE FUCKING ME IN THE HEAD ONCE AGAIN!!!
I DIDN’T KNOW YOU FELT THAT STRONGLY ABOUT ME!!! HOW COULD I???
I CAN’T LET EVERY LIAR I ROLL THE DICE WITH SLEEP IN MY BED AND STILL EXPECT THEM TO BE THERE IN THE MORNING… BUT EVEN WHEN YOU LET ME BE MORE THAN JUST A POUNDING POUND OF CARNAGE IN YOUR OH SO EXQUISTE LINES, I WAS AFRAID TO SHOW YOU THE COLOUR OF THE COMFORT FOUND FROM YOUR CLOSENESS… BUT I HAD HOPED THAT BY NOW YOU WOULD KNOW THE MAN I REALLY AM… I THOUGHT THAT YOU COULD SEE WHO I WAS WHEN WE WERE NOTHING BUT TOGETHER…
WHEN WE ARE NOTHING BUT TOGETHER!!!
WHEN WE ARE NOTHING BUT TOGETHER YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO TELL THAT YOU MEAN MORE TO ME THAN I CAN TELL!!!
BUT WHEN WE ARE NOTHING TOGETHER… THEN YOU CAN CALL ME ALL THE SHIT YOU’RE SAYING TO MY FACE RIGHT FUCKING NOW!!! BUT NOT YET!!! NOT FUCKING YET!!!
I KNOW THIS IS A WORTHLESS CONFESSION… BUT I DON’T FUCKING KNOW ANYMORE… I HAD THOUGHT I WAS IRRELEVANT TO THE BIGGER PICTURE… BUT AS MORE AND MORE INDESCRETIONS ADD UP WITH THE SHIT IN MY HEAD, I AM DEDUCING A TRUTH I HAD THOUGHT MERELY AN ILLUSION… AM I SIGNIFICANT??? FUCK!!! WHAT INFLUENCES HAVE I ACTUALLY CAST A SHADOW UPON??? BUT HOW COULD I HAVE KNOWN!!!???!!! IF I'M JUST A FUCKING NOBODY!!!???!!!
UNIMPORTANT!!! GOOD FOR NOTHING!!! MISERABLE LITTLE FUCKING IDIOT!!! THAT’S WHAT I WAS RAISED TO BELIEVE I WAS!!! THAT IS HOW I HAVE BEEN ENVISIONED!!! THAT IS WHERE I BEGIN AND END… AND AGAINST ALL THE ART, ALL THE EXPERIENCES, ALL THE LATTICE OF SEX AND INTIMACY, I FIND I AM NOTHING BUT A FLEETING DEVIL IN THE DIVINITY OF A DEAD WATER’S REFLECTION!!! I DO NOT MATTER… I MAKE NO DIFFERENCE… I AM INSIGNIFICANT!!!
BUT WHEN I FIND I HAVE ALTERED THE SLEEP PARTNERS OF MORE THAN JUST MYSELF… I START TO QUESTION MYSELFISHNESS… MAYBE I AM WRONG ABOUT A GREAT NUMBER OF THINGS…
I WANT TO MEASURE UP AND BECOME MORE THAN JUST A WHORE… BUT THEN WHEN I ASK YOU OUT RIGHT… YOU EVER SO SIMPLY SAY - YOU DO NOT LOVE ME…
A KICK IN THE TEETH, OR MY JUST DESERTS??? EITHER WAY DOESN’T HURT AS MUCH AS THE DREAD OF NEVER KNEELING BEHIND YOU AS I STRIP YOU NAKED AND HOLD YOU IN MY ARMS JUST TO SMELL YOUR SPINE… AND KNOW THAT RIGHT NOW, FUCK EVERYTHING ELSE, COS RIGHT HERE YOU’RE ALL AND ABSOLUTELY MINE!!!
I DON’T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO SAY…
I WOULD RISK THE CONSEQUENCES OF DISCLOSURE ANY DAY BEFORE THE IDEA OF DISSOCIATION!!!
BUT GO AHEAD, TELL ME I’M NOT SIGIFICANT. TELL ME I AM THE OBLIVIOUS ONE, TELL ME HOW YOU’RE REPLACEABLE… SAY WHATEVER SHIT YOU WANT… COS I KNOW RIGHT NOW YOU’RE THE FUCKING LIAR!!!
BUT YOU’RE RIGHT ABOUT ONE THING… YOU’RE HURTING ME AND I DON’T LIKE IT… SO PLEASE STOP BEFORE I HURT YOU BACK… I JUST DON’T KNOW HOW MUCH MORE I CAN TAKE OF THIS…
JUST REMEMBER: THIS IS NOT THE END… THIS IS JUST THE EVOLUTION OF OUR SIN.
OR IS THAT REALLY WHAT YOU’RE RUNNING AWAY FROM???
-
LETTER (4)
BOTTLE IT UP -
WHY DO I FEEL THINGS FOR THOSE I DON'T WANT TO???
I'M TRYING, I'M TRYING REAL FUCKING HARD TO BREAK THE 3!!!
DOESN'T ANYONE FUCKING SEE WHAT I'VE DONE??? WHY THE FUCK HASN'T ANYONE NOTICED WHAT I'VE BEEN DOING??? CAN'T SOMEONE STOP ME... COS I'M FINDING IT REAL FUCKING HARD TO CONTROL MYSELF...
I DON'T WANT TO FEEL THIS SHIT... FUCKING WOMEN... CAN'T LIVE WITH THEM AND I CANT STOP THE DAMAGE THEY CAUSE MY MUSCLE TISSUE... I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHAT I'VE SAID, I CAN'T SHUT THIS SKULLFUCKNOISE OFF IN MY SKULL FUCKED UGLIESS...
“SWITCH IT OFF!!!” IT'S JUST A CONSCIOUS MATTER OF DECISIVENESS!!!
AND...
YES...
I'M FINE...
I'M FINE.
I'M FUCKING FINE, MOTHERFUCKERS!!!
NEVER BETTER.
I AIN'T BITTER.
SURE, I CAN WORK UNDER THESE SELF DESTRUCTIVE CONDITIONS... WHEN THE SHIT HITS THE FAN I DEAL WITH IT... I TURN MY BACK AND IT'S NOT EVEN THERE... IT'S A DOCUMENTED FACT, UNDER HIGH BLOOD PPRESSURE I FOCUS... YOU'LL NEVER SEE ME BETRAY WHAT I PUT MY CLOSED MIND TO... YOU KNOW I CAN FUCK YOU LONG AND HARD, LITTLE DARLING... JUST LIKE I'M FUCKING MYSELF UP EVERYTIME I MAKE YOU CUM AND I DONT FEEL A GOD DAMNED FUCKING THING...
I KNOW I'M JUST A FUCKING IDIOT... BUT I'M GETTING REAL FUCKING TIRED OF NOT UNDERSTANDING... WHY AM I SO DISCONNECTED ONE MINUTE... AND THE NEXT I CAN'T BREATHE COS I'M LOST IN HER PROFILE SILHOUETTE... I'M ADDICTED TO OBSESSING OVER HER EVERY MISCONSTRUED FACIAL INCARNATION...
FUCK!!! AM I HAVING A FUCKING BREAKDOWN – BUT NO - I DO WHAT I DO BEST - I BOTTLE IT UP -
IT'S SO EASY TO KEEP THIS BULLSHIT A SECRET... JUST DON'T TELL... DON'T TELL ANYONE AND AND YOU'LL BE FINE THIS TIME TOMORROW... AND THAT WAS YESTERDAY AND I WAS WRONG AGAIN... I FEEL FUCKING FANTASTIC...
THANKS DAD, BUT YOU SHOULD HAVE BEATEN THE CRAP OUT OF ME MORE OFTEN, I'M HAVING REAL TROUBLE WITH THESE MENTAL FUCKING RAIL TRACKS... I THOUGHT CONDITIONING WAS MEANT TO DICTATE YOUR LACK OF CHARACTER... I THOUGHT I WAS JUST A STUPID LITTLE SHIT... WHY DON'T THOSE MOTHERFUCKING THEORETICAL LAWS COME AND PUT ME ON THE STRAIGHT AND NARROW WITH IRON FUCKING BARS... COS I'M REALLY GETTING SCARED OUT HERE IN THE DARK RIGHT NOW.... DO YOU HEAR ME??? HELLO??? HELLO... I DON'T LIKE BEING OUT HERE ANYMORE... I KNOW THERE IS SOMETHING OUT THERE... AND I KNOW IT'S ONLY ME... BUT WAIT... WAIT... JUST WAIT A MINUTE... NO... IT'S ONLY ME AGAIN...
AND NOTHING I HAVE SAID MATTERS...
FUCK THE WEAK.
I AM FINE.
YOU ARE THE FUCKING WEAKLING.
IT IS MY HATRED THAT MAKES ME STRONG!!!
CRUELTY IS POWER!!!
I AM FINE.
YOU ARE TO BLAME.
I WILL NOT STOP!!!
RUIN MY LIFE AND I'LL KEEP GOING. IT'S ALWAYS BEEN A FUCKING WORTHLESS SACK OF SHIT ANYWAY. YOU CAN'T MAKE ME FEEL ANY WORSE THAN I ALREADY MAKE MYSELF, MOTHERFUCKERS!!! I'LL SEE ME DEAD BEFORE I BOW DOWN TO ANY FLESH GOD NOR MEAT DEVIL. WHAT AM I BUT A MAN. NOTHING MORE. MAYBE SOMETHING LESS THAN I HAD EVER THOUGHT I MIGHT SINK TO... BUT FUCK YOU ALL, COME WHAT MAY IT IS ONLY MY LACK OF A SOUL THAT HAS TO PAY.
FUCK YOU ALL!!!
BUT...
WHY DO I FEEL THINGS FOR THOSE I DON'T WANT TO???
I'M TRYING, I'M TRYING REAL FUCKING HARD TO BREAK THE 3!!!
THE 3!!!
I HATE THIS FUCKING NUMBER...
THE 3 – THE LAST – THE PRESENT – THE NEXT.
1 - LONGING FOR THE LAST LITTLE GIRL I LOST...
2 - INDULGENCE IN THE PRESENT TENSE INDIVIDUAL...
3 – LUST AND GREED AND INFATUATION WITH THE NEXT TEMPTAION ON THE HOUR...
WHY DO I FEEL THINGS FOR THOSE I DON'T WANT TO???
I'M TRYING, I'M TRYING REAL FUCKING HARD TO BREAK THE 3, TO KEEP IT INSIDE!!!
I DON'T WANT THIS FUCKING SHIT!!!
BUT WHAT AM I BUT THE SHIT I FUCK!!!???!!!
AND YET YOU STILL ASK ME WHY I LIKE TO SODOMISE YOU???
1, 2 & 3.
-
LETTER (5)
I'M NO FUCKING SCIENTIST...
YOU TELL ME YOU LOVE ME BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU EXPECT ME TO REACT. YOU KNOW I DO NOTHING FOR THE GREATER GOOD, SO HOW COULD I SOLVE THIS CROSSED WORD???
I MAY ADMIT MY SADNESS WHEN YOU HURT YOURSELF. BUT I WILL NOT OMIT MY SADISM WHEN I GET YOU ON ALL FOURS!!!
YOU AND ME ARE NULL BUT WE... BUT MY MOTIVES MIRROR MY METHODS... SELFISH, I SERVE MY SATAN... I NEED YOU AS MUCH AS THE CRUCIFIX NEEDS THE CHRIST TO CUM UPON THE FULL CIRCLE OF YOUR LIPS... THE 2 TOGETHER TO BLEED AS ONE AND FUCK OUR WAY TO GET ONLY WHAT WE WANT... WHAT WE WANT... BUT WHAT YOU WANT IS NOT WHAT I DO... THE WE ONLY WORKS WHILE WE WORK TOGETHER... BUT I'M SORRY, KID, YOUR CHEMICAL BUILD UP IS NOT COMPATIBLE WITH MY MILK SHAKE, BABY...
I CANNOT BE YOURS. I CANNOT BE YOUR ONE AND TRULY. I CANNOT BE WHAT YOU NEED TO GET THROUGH THIS FUCKING HELL.
I CANNOT EVEN BE WHAT I DON'T WANT TO BECOME...
I AM NOT THIS UGLY FACE, I AM NOT THIS DERANGED LAUGHTER, I AM NOT THE BLACK-N-WHITE MAN IN THE PHOTOGRAPH THAT YOU LOVE...
SEE THAT THING OUT THE CORNER OF YOUR EYE THAT'S FUCKING YOU FROM BEHIND... THAT THING IS ALL THAT I AM...
WHAT CAN I BE WHEN EVERYTHING I WANT NEVER NEEDS ME???
PART OF ME WANTS ALL OF YOU ALL TO MYSELF, PART OF ME WANTS TO CUT YOUR FUCKING THROAT OPEN!!!
PART OF ME WANTS TO COMMIT BODY AND SOUL TO YOU, PART OF ME WANTS TO FUCKING HACK YOU UP WITH AN AXE AND RENDER TO MINCE WHAT RESIDES THERE WITHIN YOUR RIBCAGE!!!
PART OF ME JUST WANTS TO HAVE A LAUGH AT YOUR EXPENSE, WHILE PART OF ME FEELS BURNED IN UNION WITH YOUR MOST HOLY ESSENSE...
WHAT CAN YOU BE WHEN EVERYTHING YOU SEEM, SEEMS NOT TO BE WHAT YOU SEEM???
SOMETIMES I BELIEVE I KNOW THE WAY OUT OF HERE... SOMETIMES I KNOW I AM JUST ADRIFT IN A BOTTLE I THINK I THREW AWAY A LONG TIME AGO...
FEAR CHANGE!!!
FEAR THESE FUCKING CHANGES!!!
WHY DID THIS HAVE TO SHIFT PIVOT... JUST WANTED A LITTLE FUN TOGETHER... BUT WHY DID JUST FUCKING HAVE TO FUCKING START FEELING OTHER FUCKING SENSATIONS!!! AFTER ALL, ISN'T AN EMOTION JUST A FEELING, A FEELING JUST A SENATION, A SENSATION THE STIMULATION OF A SENSIBILITY... I THOUGHT I HAD BEATEN MYSELF ENOUGH TIMES TO BE NUMB TO YOUR HANDS... SO HOW ARE YOU REACHING PAST THE CALLOUSES AND PUSHING OUT THE KNOTS??? I KNEW I SHOULDN'T HAVE LET MY GUARD DOWN, AND SO DID YOU... I ASSUMED WE KNEW NOT TO DO THIS... I FUCKED UP AGAIN.
YOUR FAULT, MY FUCKING FAULT, POINT THE FIGURE AND 3 POINT BACK AT ME... THAT FUCKING NUMBER AGAIN!!!
MY LIFE, NOTHING BUT A FUCK-STAIN ON THIS VERY FUCKING CHAIR IM SITTING ON...
IRONY... I DO NOT KNOW... I WOULD DRINK 100 GALLONS OF WHISKEY AND SMOKE A MAC TRUCK OF CRACK IF I COULD EITHER GET THE FUCK AWAY OR FIND A LITTLE CLARITY IN THIS FUCKING PIG STY HEADFUCK... BUT I KNOW ALL YOUR DRUGS AND PISS ARE NO MORE USEFUL THAN BLIND FAITH IN HOPING SOMEONE ELSE MIGHT HELP ME GET THROUGH THIS BULL FUCKING SHIT...
THIS IS BETWEEN ME AND HER... ME AND THE ONE TO WHOM I WISH I COULD LOVE AS MUCH I DELUDE MYSELF THAT SHE CARES FOR ME...
BUT MAYBE A OIL TANKER WILL DROP OUT OF THE SKY AND TOMORROW I'LL BE DEAD... THE ALL I WILL BE, WILL BE WHATEVER SHE WANTED ME TO SAY I WAS, WHEN I DON'T KNOW WHERE THAT EVEN LEAVES ME...
THESE CHRONICLES ARE NOTHING BUT THE TROUBLES OF AN UTTER LACK OF TRUST AND LIFETIME OF DECEPTIONS THAT HAVE FINALLY GOTTEN THE BETTER OF MY WORST SIDE... ALL I HAVE LEARNED IS THAT I NEED TO ADAPT TO THIS BREAKDOWN, OR I WILL EAT MYSELF ALIVE... BUT I SEE NO LIGHT... THIS DISPAIR MADDENS ME AS IT DEADENDS IN EVERY CORNER I TURN... AND I KEEP TURNING MY BACK AGAIN AND AGAIN, AND AGAIN I'M STUCK...
I WISH I WAS SMARTER THAN THIS... BUT I AM NOT.
I AM ABYSMAL.
-
LETTER (6)
WHAT HAVEN'T I WRECKED???
I DIG MY OWN GRAVE AND SHIT IN IT!!!
I TOLD YOU.
I TOLD YOU NO SIN WAS BELOW ME.
I TOLD YOU SO.
I TOLD YOU THIS WOULD HAPPEN.
I KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN.
THIS IS ALL GOING ACCORDING TO PLAN.
FUCK THEM ALL!!!
THIS HURTS BUT IT IS SECONDARY.
MY GOALS ARE MY OWN AND THEIR DESTRUCTIONS ARE MY REWARDS.
WHAT KIND OF A MISOGYNIST DO YOU FUCKING THINK I AM???
EVERY MOMENT I AM ALIVE I AM LIVING PROOF THAT YOUR GOD DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT!!!
SACRIFICE!!! SACRIFICE!!! FUCKING SACRILEGE!!! PLAY THE GAME!!! BEND OVER BACKWARDS!!! COMPROMISE, EMPATHIZE, SELF DEPRECATE!!! YOU GOT TO GIVE A LOT TO GET EVEN A HINT OF A GOD DAMNED TASTED OF THAT PEACH'S PRUNE!!! PISS ON YOUR OWN PRIDE AND FUCKING SAY PLEASE MA'AM MIGHT I HAVE JUST A LITTLE MORE SALT TO HASTEN MY THIRST???
NO SIR!!! NO SIR!!! NO BAGS FULL, SIR!!! FUCK HER!!! FUCK HER!!! REACH PAST HER WET THIGHS AND POP IT UP HER GOLDEN ARSEHOLE, SIR!!! THERE IS A POINT WHERE ALL THE CHESS IN ALL THE WORLD WON'T GET YOU OUT OF THIS TAR PIT OF ETHICAL PUKE AND ICONIC IRONY... YOU GOT NO CHOICE, MOTHERFUCKER!!! SUMMIT OR USE YOUR FIST TO PUNCH YOUR WAY OUT OF THIS CONCRETE CAGE OF SELF CONSCIOUSLY SUBCONSCIOUS NAYSAYERS!!!
AND AT THE END OF THE DAY WHAT DID I TELL YOU??? YOU DANCE WITH THE DEVIL AND THE DEVIL BLOWS YOUR FUCKING KNEE CAPS OUT WITH A PUMP ACTION COCK DOWN YOUR FUCKING THROAT!!!
BEEN THERE... BEEN HERE... I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT HER CUNT WILL FEEL LIKE!!!
I SEE THE CURVE IN THE TONE OF YOUR DECREPIT VOICE!!! THIS IS NOT WHAT YOU STARTED OUT TO BE!!! HOW QUICKLY THE WATER OF YOU OFFERED GLASS EVAPORATES FAR MORE DEPRIVINGLY THAN MERELY HALF EMPTY!!!
YOU SAY: “LIAR!!!”; I SAY: “WHAT'S YOUR FUCKING POINT???”
YOU AIN'T NO VIRGIN IN THIS SCHOOL HALL OF DEVIANTS PLAYING PIANO...
I ASK YOU, WHAT KIND OF A MISOGYNIST DO YOU FUCKING THINK I AM???
I DIDN'T GET THIS FUCKING FAR WITHOUT LEAVING YOUR BLEEDING FUCKING HEART OUT THE BACK DOOR FOR ALL THE FLYS TO FUCK!!!
HOW MUCH DID YOU TRULY BELIEVE I COULD INVEST IN YOUR INTEREST RATES??? YOU'RE A PROFET MARGIN, WHILE I'M A DISCREPANCY THAT CAN EASILY BE EQUATED THE MOMENT YOU GET A MOOD SWING, BITCH. MY WORTH IS LESS THAN YOU CAN BET ON, BABY.
NO SURE-THING EVER WAS SO ABSOLUTE AS THE END OF YOU AND ME, MOTHERFUCKER!!!
I DON'T LIKE MYSELF VERY MUCH AT THE MOMENT, BUT THAT'S MORE THAN I CAN SAY ABOUT YOU, YOU FUCKING HOLE IN THE MEAT!!!
I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE - BUT I'M GOING TO... COS I LIKE TO ROLL MY BLOOD SHOT EYES AGAINST MY DRY FINGERS EVERYTIME I GET ANOTHER SWEET 16 YEAR OLD TO SUCK ME DOWN!!!
NOTHING MEANS ANYTHING
THATS RIGHT, EVERYTHING I SAY AND DO HAS NO FUCKING REASONING!!!
I HAVE NO TRUTH!!!
I DON'T MEAN A SINGLE FUCKING THING I SAY!!!
I AM NOT EVEN HERE... HOW CAN I SAY A WORD IN DEFENSE IF I'VE BURNT ALL MY DOCTRINES!!!
I HAVE NO PRINCIPLES, NO MOTIVES, NO PLANS, NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT THE FUCK I AM REALLY FUCKING DOING HERE!!!
CAN'T YOU MOTHERFUCKERS SEE... I'M JUST MAKING THIS SHIT UP AS I FUCKING GO ALONG!!!
IF IGNORANCE IS BLISS THEN WHY THE FUCK AIN'T I LAUGHING???
CONTRADICT!!! CONTRADICT!!! I AM THE DOLDRUMS OF THE EPITOME OF AN OXY-FUCKING-MORON!!!
I HATE WHAT I FUCKING WANT!!!
I HATE HER -
BUT GOD KNOWS... NOT NEARLY AS MUCH AS I FUCKING HATE MYSELF... FOR ALL OF THIS MIRACULOUS SHIT I HAVE CAUSED...
-
LETTER (7)
I ONLY DO WRONG...
SHE HAS DRIVEN HERSELF A FEW THOUSAND MILES PAST LUNACY OVER WHAT I'VE DONE...
HOW THE FUCK HAS THIS CHAOS COME TO PASS???
ME, JUST A LITTLE SHIT OF A THING... HOW THE FUCK CAN I HAVE CAUSED ALL THIS FUCKING MAYHEM???
I'M SERIOUSLY LOOKING FOR A LAYMANS ANSWER HERE, SHERIFF... I DON'T GET IT... HOW CAN A WRETCHED MOTHERFUCKER LIKE ME MAKE SO MUCH FUCKING TROUBLE???
I DIDN'T WANT HER TO DO THIS. I DIDN'T KNOW SHE WOULD DO IT. WHY THE FUCK IS SHE STILL MUTILATING HERSELF IN MY NAME???
ONCE UPON A TIME I WAS SO UTTERLY INSIGNIFICANT THAT I COULD EAT MY OWN FACE AND NOT A FUCK WOULD NOTICE... NOW I'M THE WHORE AT CHURCH AND EVERYONE KNOWS THE BLOOD ON MY COCK!!!
NO WAY OUT OF THIS STRAIGHT-JACKET OF VENUS CONSPIRACIES... THE LAST DITCH ATTEMPT TO WORM OUT OF THESE CHOKERHOLD MARTYRS COST ME ANOTHER FISTFUCK TO MY KIDNIES... YOU'D THINK BY NOW I'D HAVE GROWN A SECOND SKIN OF DEAD SIN TO SLIP OUT OF IN THESE MONUMENTAL MOTHERLOADS OF FUCK UPS AND MISTAKES... YOU'D THINK WOULDNT YOU...
SHE WANTS ME TO HELP HER...
SHE WANTS ME TO MAKE HER HATE ME...
CHRIST... THAT'S FUCKING EASIER THAN YOU COULD EVER IMAGINE...
I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS ANY FUCKING MORE... JUST A LITTLE SEX, SEX, SEX AND TAKE THIS SODOMY SIDEWAYS, KID.
BEEN THROUGH THE WORST ALREADY??? IS THIS CRAP EVER GOING TO GET EASIER??? OR IS IT ME THAT MAKES IT HARD??? ACTUALLY I THOUGHT IT WAS THE WAY YOU SUCKED ME OFF THAT GOT ME HARD... I DIDN'T ASK FOR THIS SHIT TO GET SERIOUS... I JUST WANT INSINCERE INFIDELITY... IS THAT REALLY SO MUCH TO ASK FOR??? CAN'T I JUST TAP THIS ROOT AND BE ON MY ABOMINABLE WAY DOWN THE ROAD TO THE NEXT DEVIL IN PAINTED ON BLUE JEANS... YOU KNOW I DON'T LIKE WHAT I DO TO YOU... BUT I KNOW YOU LOVE THE WAY I FUCK YOU AGAINST THE WALL... AM I THE SINNER OR JUST THE SUSPECT???
PERCEPTION / PERVERSION... YOU SEE WHAT EXACTLY??? HOW THE HELL AM I MEANT TO KNOW WHAT I LOOK LIKE IN HER EYES??? I CAN'T EVEN SEE MY FACE IN THE MIRROR. WHAT HAVE I DONE TO MAKE THEM SAY SUCH THINGS ABOUT ME??? I AIN'T RICH, I AIN'T FAMOUS, I AIN'T SHIT!!! JUST MAKE ME SEE IT FROM YOUR POINT OF VIEW AND THEN I MIGHT GRASP THE CONCEPT OF WHAT I SEEM TO BE SEEN AS... COS I THOUGHT I PROJECTED THE IMPRESSION OF DUMBFUCK!!!
-
LETTER (8)
I LOSE.
SO THE CHIPS ARE DOWN.
THE PIGS OUT OF THE PEN.
YOU GOT ME.
GOOD ON YOU.
I RAISE MY GLASS AND TOAST TO YOUR MOST EXCELLENT WARFARE.
WELL DONE.
WELL FUCKING DONE INDEED.
YOU GOT ME TO ADMIT THE UNNECESSARY JUST TO INCRIMINATE MYSELF FOR MY OWN HUMILIATION.
WELL PLAYED.
I DO COMMEND YOU.
YOU FUCKING WOMEN.
GOT ME TO STRIP NAKED AND LEAVE ALL MY KEYS IN THE OTHER CAGE.
YOU GOT ME TO ADMIT DEFEAT, AND AS SOON AS I'M AT MY MOST VULNERABLE – YOU SHOOT ME RIGHT IN THE BACK. I HAVE NO COMEBACK, NO DEFENSE, ABSOLUTELY NO GROUNDS FOR AN APPEAL.
YOU WON AND THEN YOU HUNG ME OUT TO DRY FOR ALL THE WORLD TO LAUGH AT.
I AM IMPRESSED.
YES I BOUGHT INTO THIS COURTROOM BATTLE OF BELIEFS.
I ACTUALLY THOUGHT THE TRUTH MIGHT SET ME FREE.
OH, WHAT A RASH AND ILL JUDGEMENTAL MOVE UPON MY PART.
I ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY FOR THESE PETTY AND MEEK MANOEUVRES I HAVE CLUSTER FUCKED THESE PAST FEW WEEKS. I GUESS I SHOULD HAVE KEPT THAT ACE UP MY SLEEVE, ALONG WITH A PLANE TICKET OUT OF THIS FUCKING COUNTRY.
YES, YOU GOT ME.
GET THAT STAMP OUT AND USE YOUR BOOT TO LABLE ME THE “LIAR”.
IT'S TRUE.
SHIT, YOU GOT ME ON A ROLL HERE.
HELL, WHAT THE FUCK, I LIED SO MUCH IT MAKES MY SIDES HURT WHEN I LAUGH SO FUCKING HARD ABOUT THEM ALL!!!
KID, I WILL EVEN ALLOW YOU THE DELIGHTFUL TREAT OF A TRUTH THAT I WAS REALLY QUITE FUCKED UP OVER YOU FOR SOMETIME NOW, I (OF ALL PEOPLE) DID EVEN BELIEVE YOUR MOST ELABORATE LIES!!!
AND LETS NOT FUCKING FORGET THAT TRIVIAL POINT TOO, KID, IF I'M A LIAR, THEN SO ARE YOU, HONEY BEE!!!
BUT MY LITTLE PET, I GOT A REALITY FUCKING CHECK TO ALL WHOM THIS FUCKING CONCERNS: I HAVE FUCKING LEARNED NOTHING!!!
I WEAR A DISENGAGEMENT RING ON MY FUCKING FINGER AND COVER MYSELF IN FUCKING TATTOOS THAT REMIND ME EVERY FUCKING DAY WHAT YOU CAN NEVER MAKE ME!!!
OH THATS RIGHT, YOU FUCKS ACTUALLY THINK “NOTHING MEANS ANYTHING”.
YEAH, NOTHING MEANS ANYTHING AND THIS MIDDLE FINGER AIN'T DIRECTED AT YOU, BUT AT THE EARTH'S GRAVITATIONAL PULL... DIPSHIT.
HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING!!!???!!!
YOU DID NOT HUMILIATE ME!!!
YOU DID NOT MAKE ME HUMBLE!!!
HOW CAN I BE ASHAMED WHEN I LOVED EVERY FUCKING MINUTE OF OUR SYSTEMATIC DECLINE!!!
YOU FUCKING KIDS THINK YOU FUCKING KNOW ME... YOU THINK YOU KNOW HOW TO PLAY ME!!!???!!! YOU HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE ABOUT ALL THE YEARS AND LENGTHS I'VE GONE TO TO BREAK MYSELF FOR THIS SELF TORTURE!!!
WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW ABOUT COMMITMENT!!!??!!!
WHAT EXACTLY DID YOU EVER FUCKING RISK??? YOU THINK YOU HAD IT HARD DONE BY??? BULLSHIT, YOU HAD IT FUCKING EASY, YOU AMATEUR CUNT!!!
IT'S THE HEAD TRIP THAT GETS MY ROCKS OFF, DARLING.
YOU CAN HURT ME, BUT AS THE DEPRESSIVES LIVE FOR THE FAILURE, I AM ONLY ABSOLVED OF EVERY SELF DOUBT BY THE FACT THAT NOW IT'S FUCKING OVER.
I'M FUCKING GLAD IT'S OVER!!!
SURE I LOVED FUCKING YOU IN THE ARSEHOLE AND GETTING YOU TO SINK TO SOMEWHERE NEAR MY LEVEL... BUT NOW I AM NO LONGER NEEDED HERE TO FUCK UP YOUR LIFE... THE MESS WE'VE MADE IN YOUR MORALS WILL FESTER FOR SOME STRETCH OF YOUR PRECIOUS YOUTH. BUT YOU WERE FUCKING RIGHT ABOUT ONE THING, YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY FUCKING REPLACEABLE!!! I'VE BEEN SUCKER PUNCHED BY BEAUITFUL BITCHES BEFORE, AND I'LL QUITE HAPPILY FUCK YOUR SISTER JUST TO SEE THAT LOOK IN YOUR EYE WHEN I EVER SO “ACCIDENTALLY” LEAVE SOME DAMNING BREAD CRUMBS FOR ALL THE FUCK WITTED WORLD TO SEE.
ACCIDENTS??? FUCK OFF... TRUTH IS WHATEVER THE FUCK I ALLOW YOU FUCKING INSECTS TO PERCEIVE.
AND DOES THIS HOSTILE RETORT DAMAGE AND BURN MY BRIDGES... I FUCKING HOPE SO!!! I AIN'T INTO MOON-WALKING, BITCH, BACKWARDS IS FOR RETARDS!!! I MOVE ON AND OVER WHOEVER THE FUCK GETS IN MY FUCKING WAY, COS YOU GUESSED IT, I AIN'T IN THIS FOR THE FRIENDS NOR THE MONEY!!! SO WHAT THE FUCK CAN YOU OFFER ME APART FROM YOUR WORTHLESS BUT EVER SO TASTY TEENAGE SEX???
AND YOUR GOD DAMNED RIGHT, I AIN'T GOING TO TRY AND GET IN TOUCH WITH YOU AGAIN. YOU THINK I OFFENDED YOU??? WELL YOUR INSULTS JUST REACHED TOXIC FUCKING LEVELS ON MY SHIT-LIST, FUCKHEAD!!!
IF ANYTHING I'M PROUD OF YOU FOR ENDING IT, COS I WAS JUST GOING MILK IT FOR ALL IT WAS WORTH, AND THAT AIN'T MUCH MORE THAN I'VE ALREADY CHEWED UP AND SPAT OUT!!!
SO ONCE AGAIN I TOAST YOUR HEALTH, FOR DEALING A FINE FINAL HAND IN THIS END GAME.
BRAVO.
BRAVO, BITCH.
YOU GOT ME TO INCRIMINATE MYSELF WITH THOSE HUSH, HUSH SECRETS I LIVE FOR... AHH, WELL IT'S A LAUGH SEEING PEOPLES EXPRESSION WHEN THE TRUTH SLAPS THEM ACROSS THE FACE LIKE A INTRICATELY CRAFTED LIE.
I MAY BE GUILTY, BUT HOW FUCKING RIGHTEOUS AM I IN MY WALLOWING CONVICTIONS.
I PLAYED YOU, YOU PLAYED ME... AND I LOVED IT...
YOU WON AND THEN YOU HUNG ME OUT TO DRY FOR ALL THE WORLD TO LAUGH AT.
-
LETTER (9)
WE ARE EQUAL IN OUR CONTRADICTIONS.
THE BANE OF MY LIFE... MY CAUSE OF TROUBLE AND RUIN...
AFTER ALL I'VE SAID AND DONE... AND IT IS ALL OVER... HERE I AM LEFT... AND FINALLY IT IS CLEAR AND SIMPLE... HOW COULD MY LIFE BE SO DISTRUAGHT IF I DID NOT ACTUALLY WANT TO BE WHAT I CANNOT...
CHRIST KNOWS I DO ACTUALLY WANT TO BE WITH YOU.
BUT LIFE IS SHIT LIKE THAT... I CANNOT BE WHAT MY BIOLOGY IS NOT...
IS THAT THE VIRTUE OF A HUMAN??? TO BE ABLE TO SEE ONES OWN INFINITE WICKEDNESS AND DETEST EVERYTHING ABOUT ONESSELF FOR HOPE OF A BETTER TOMORROW WHEN I MIGHT BECOME A BIGGER MAN???
IS THE CONFLICT IN MY HEAD AND HEART WHAT GIVES ME A SOUL AND THE PAIN TO RESIST THIS CONTINUATION???
OR IS EVERYTHING I SUFFER JUST THE INFLAMATION OF SELF PITY???
I COULD SAY: “FUCK PROFOUND AND RATIONAL INVESTIGATIONS INTO THIS VISCERAL DISORDER”; BUT ONCE I FINISH WRITING THIS I WILL HAVE NO ONE TO TALK TO ABOUT WHAT'S GOING ON IN MY HEAD.
I COULD JUST BASICALLY DESCRIBE HOW I FEEL...
I FEEL FINE.
I FEEL TIRED.
I FEEL LIKE I DON'T WANT IT TO END LIKE THIS, BUT I KNOW TOO MUCH.
AND MAYBE IT'S MY DELUSIONS THAT DESECRATE MY STRIVINGS...
I'M FUCKING PISSED OFF!!!
I'M SO FUCKING ALONE AND SATURATED IN SADNESS THAT IT'S GETTING REALLY QUESTIONABLE WHY IM STILL ALIVE...
I'M STUBBORN AND CHILDISH, BUT I ULTIMATELY DO MISS HER...
AND MAYBE IT'S THE GUTTED HOLE IN MY FEELINGS THAT REMIND ME THAT I'M NOT AS SHIT AS SHE SAYS I AM...
AM I WORTHLESS???
AM I OVERLY DEFENSIVE WHEN I CAN'T EVEN SEEM TO DEFEND MYSELF AT ALL???
AM I TRULY AS CRUEL AS WE ALL SAY I AM???
AND MAYBE IT'S JUST MY NATURE TO SABOTAGE MY LOVED ONES...
I ONLY WANT TO KNOW WHEN WILL SOMEONE HOLD ME ACCOUNTABLE FOR ALL OF MY ACTIONS??? OR IS THAT MY JOB??? BUT MY CONSCIENCE IS A CALCULATION I PLAY WITH LIKE A BLIND MOUSE...
AND WHERE HAS THIS MESS GOTTEN ME THIS TIME???
I WANT TO SAY SORRY FOR ALL THE PAIN I CAUSE... BUT I DON'T REGRET A THING... IT'S NOT LIKE I WANTED US TO END LIKE THIS... I AM WHAT I CREATE... I WOULD NEVER WISH YOU AWAY... I LOVED AND WILL ALWAYS HOLD YOU IN MY MIND'S EYE WHEN THE SHIT GOES DOWN... I WOULD LET YOU BEAT ME LIKE DOG IF IT COULD ATONE FOR MY WRONG DOINGS... BUT TIME HAS COME...
THIS SHIP HAS GONE DOWN.
IT'S OVER.
I WANT YOU BACK.
BUT I NEVER GET WHAT A PIG DOES'T DESERVE...
AND THERE YOU COULD SAY IS THE ANSWER I WAS ASKING FOR... I DON'T DESERVE YOU.
BUT WHAT THE HELL HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE ALL OF THIS!!!???!!!
OH... THAT'S RIGHT... I'M THE BAD GUY.
BUT EVEN US FUCKING PIECES OF SHIT CAN BE CAPABLE OF REALISATION, WHEN WE HURT MORE THAN JUST OURSELVES...
I WANT TO HOLD YOU AND STOP THE PAIN I CAUSE... BUT YOU AREN'T EVEN HERE TO HOLD ME WHEN I NEED YOU MOST... WE ARE EQUAL IN OUR CONTRADICTIONS.
SO HERE I AM... FUCKED UP AND WITHOUT YOU.
THE BANE OF MY LIFE...
I HAVE LOVED AND LOST MY SOUL MORE THAN JUST FUCKED YOU!!!
-
THE BANE OF MY LIFE
I FUCKING TOLD HER... I NEED YOU.
AS HONEST AS I COULD BE – AND SHE STILL DIDN'T BELIEVE ME.
WHAT HOPE DO I HAVE...?
-
THE BANE OF MY LIFE.
HELD ACCOUTABLE FOR MY ACTIONS.
-
MY WALL OF CONVICTION!!!
1 - 100 PAGES. I WILL NOT STOP!!!
-
I SEVER MY SATAN WELL!!!
MYSELFISHNESS MAKES ME STRONGER THAN YOU!!!
-
IT'S
OVER
TOM WAITS
2006
I MUST
HAVE BROUGHT THE BAD WEATHER WITH ME
THE SKY'S THE COLOUR OF LEAD
ALL YOU LEFT ME WAS A FEATHER
ON AN UNMADE BED
IT'S
ALWAYS ME WHENEVER THERE'S TROUBLE
THE WORLD DOES NOTHING BUT TURN
AND THE RING, IT FELL OFF MY FINGER
I GUESS I'LL NEVER LEARN
AND IT'S
OVER
IT'S OVER
IT'S OVER
I'M GETTING DRESSED IN THE DARK
OUR STORY ENDS BEFORE IT BEGINS
I ALWAYS CONFESS TO EVERYONE'S SINS
THE NAIL GETS HAMMERED DOWN
AND IT'S OVER
LET IT GO
SO DON'T
GO AND MAKE A BIG DEAL OUT OF NOTHING
IT'S JUST A STORM ON A DIME
AND I'VE ALWAYS THOUGHT THERE'S NOTHING
THAT MONEY CANNOT BUY
I'VE
ALREADY GONE TO THE PLACE THAT I'M GOING
THERE'S NO PLACE LEFT TO FALL
AND THERE'S SOMETHING TO BE SAID
ABOUT SAYING NOTHING AT ALL
COS BABY
THEN IT'S OVER
IT'S OVER
IT'S DONE, FORGOTTEN AND THROUGH
OUR STORY ENDS BEFORE IT BEGINS
I ALWAYS CONFESS TO EVERYONE'S SINS
THE NAIL GETS HAMMERED DOWN
AND IT'S OVER
LET IT GO
YOU GOT
TO LET ME GO
I'M GOING TO LET IT GO
I'M GOING TO LET IT GO
I'M GOING TO LET YOU GO
I'M GOING TO LET YOU GO
-
GREEN
GRASS
TOM WAITS
2004
LAY YOUR
HEAD WHERE MY HEART USED TO BE
HOLD THE EARTH ABOVE ME
LAY DOWN ON THE GREEN GRASS
REMEMBER WHEN YOU LOVED ME
COME
CLOSER DON'T BE SHY
STAND BENEATH A RAINY SKY
THE MOON IS OVER THE RISE
THINK OF ME AS A TRAIN GOES BY
CLEAR THE THISTLES AND BRAMBLES
WHISTLE DIDN'T HE RAMBLE
NOW THERE'S A BUBBLE OF ME
AND IT'S FLOATING IN THEE
STAND IN THE SHADE OF ME
THINGS ARE NOW MADE OF ME
THE WEATHER VANE WILL SAY
IT SMELLS LIKE RAIN TODAY
GOD TOOK THE STARS
AND HE TOSSED THEM
CAN'T TELL THE BIRDS FROM THE BLOSSOMS
YOU'LL NEVER BE FREE OF ME
HE'LL MAKES A TREE FROM ME
DON'T SAY GOODBYE TO ME
DESCRIBE THE SKY TO ME
AND IF THE SKY FALLS
MARK MY WORDS - WE'LL CATCH MOCKING BIRDS
LAY
YOUR HEAD WHERE MY HEART USED TO BE
HOLD THE EARTH ABOVE ME
LAY DOWN ON THE GREEN GRASS
REMEMBER WHEN YOU LOVED ME
-
BLUE
VALENTINES
TOM WAITS
1978
SHE SENDS
ME BLUE VALENTINES
ALL THE WAY FROM PHILADELPHIA
TO MARK THE ANNIVERSARY
OF SOMEONE THAT I USED TO BE
AND IT FEELS LIKE
A WARRANT IS OUT FOR MY ARREST
BABY, YOU GOT ME CHECKING IN MY REARVIEW MIRROR
THAT'S WHY I'M ALWAYS ON THE RUN
THAT'S WHY I CHANGED MY NAME
AND I DIDN'T THINK YOU'D EVER FIND ME HERE
TO SEND ME BLUE VALENTINES
LIKE HALF FORGOTTEN DREAMS
LIKE A PEBBLE IN MY SHOE
AS I WALK THESE STREETS
AND THE GHOST OF YOUR MEMORY
BABY, IT'S A THISTLE IN A KISS
IT'S THE BURGLER THAT CAN BREAK A ROSES NECK
IT'S THE TATTOOED BROKEN PROMISE
I GOT TO HIDE BENEATH MY SLEEVE
I'M GOING TO SEE YOU EVERY TIME I TURN MY BACK
SHE SENDS
ME BLUE VALENTINES
THOUGH I TRY TO REMAIN AT LARGE
THEY'RE INSISTING THAT OUR LOVE
MUST HAVE A EULOGY
WHY DO I SAVE ALL OF THIS MADNESS
HERE IN A NIGHTSTAND DRAWER
THERE TO HAUNT UPON MY SHOULDERS
BABY I KNOW
I'D BE LUCKIER TO WALK AROUND EVERYWHERE I GO
WITH THIS BLIND AND BROKEN HEART
THAT SLEEPS BENEATH MY LAPEL
INSTEAD
THESE BLUE VALENTINES
TO REMIND ME OF MY CARDINAL SIN
I CAN NEVER WASH THE GUILT
OR GET THESE BLOODSTAINS OFF MY HANDS
AND IT TAKES A LOT OF WHISKEY
TO MAKE THESE NIGHTMARES GO AWAY
AND I CUT MY BLEEDING HEART OUT EVERY NIGHT
AND I'M GOING TO DIE JUST A LITTLE MORE ON EACH ST. VALENTINES DAY
DON'T YOU REMEMBER I PROMISED I WOULD WRITE YOU...
THESE BLUE VALENTINES
BLUE VALENTINES
BLUE VALENTINES
-
THE ARTIST
BERLIN, DECEMBER 2007
-