10 DAYS IN THE MADHOUSE

10 DAYS IN THE MADHOUSE

ASYLUM DIARY

2011

DISCLAIMER...

I WROTE THIS DURING MY 10 DAY CONFINEMENT IN THE LUISE NEUMANN SANATORIUM, NORTH OF BERLIN. FROM NOVEMEBER 18 - 28 2011.

IT IS A DIARY AND THEREFORE IS ALLOWED TO BE ROUGH AS GUTS. AND I LEFT IT AS I WROTE IT: FULL OF GRAMMAR AND SPELLING MISTAKES!!!

DAY 1.

FRIDAY 18.11.11

SO IT IS MY SECOND NIGHT IN THE LUISE NEUMANN SANATORIUM. ALTHOUGH THIS IS CONSIDERED TO BE MY FIRST NIGHT OF THE 10 DAY STRETCH I AM NOW EDURING... THE FIRST NIGHT WAS A 24 HOURS WAS CALLED JUST PRELIMINARY EXAMINATION... NOW THE REAL FUN HAS BEGUN.

MY MAIN DOCTOR SUGGESTED I WRITE DOWN MY EXPERIENCE HERE... THE 50 SOMETHING DOCTOR KINSKI. HE LOOKS LIKE DOCTOR... SHORT, BALDING, THE GERMAN ACCENT... ALL THAT IS MISSING FOR THE STERIOTYPE IS THE SOFA IN HIS OFFICE... MY BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT OF TO DATE... NO PSYCHOLOGIST SOFA FOR ME TO LAY DOWN AND WEEP ABOUT MY CHILDHOOD ON.

MAYBE I BACK UP AND EXPLAIN WHAT BROUGHT ME TO LUISE NEUMANN... AND WHY I AM HERE.

IT HAS BE AN EMOTIONAL YEAR... AND THINGS REACHED A PEAK... SO I FINALLY TOOK SOME ADVISE TO SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP... I CONTACTED A FEW PEOPLE WHO LEAD ME TO OTHERS, AND SOON I WAS ON A TRAIN INTO THE WOODS JUST OUTSIDE BERLIN... IT WAS SURPRISING EASY, I HAD ANTICIPATED THIS BEING AGONISING WITH THE LANGUAGE... BUT FINDING A PLACE WHERE THEY SPEAK ENGLISH WAS REMAKABLY SMOOTH... SO ON WEDNESDAY 16 NOVEMBER I CHECKED MYSELF INTO THE LUISE NEUMANN SANATORIUM FOR THE STANDARD 24 EXAMINATION...

WHY DID I CHECK MYSELF INTO AN INSANE ASYLUM??? COS AFTER 33 FUCKING YEARS OF BEING TOLD IM FUCKING SICK IN THE HEAD... I SNAPPED AND GOT SICK OF BEING CALLED SICK!!! I WANT TO CLEAR THIS UP ONCE AND FOR ALL... I WAS RECENTLY TOLD TO BE BORDERLINE... AND IT SEEMED A FAIR COMMENT... BUT I WANT A PROFESSIONAL OPINION ON THE MATTER.

SO ON WEDNESDAY I ADMITTED MYSELF... NO MEN IN WHITE COATS CAME TO COLLECT ME... MY FRIENDS DIDNT ARRANGE AN INTERBVENTION... I TOOK THE INITATIVE AND WALKED FREELY IN THE MADHOUSE...

LET ME SET THE MOOD... ITS WINTER IN BERLIN... COLD AND FROSTY AS FUCK... ON WEDNESDAY AFTERNOON THE AIR WAS STILL AND A PALE HAZE CLUNG TO THE FOREST ROAD THAT LEAD AROUND A LAKE TO THE MAIN COMPLEX... A DARK STONE BUILDING THAT LOOKS AS IF IT SURVIVED BOTHER WORLD WARS... IF THIS WAS A GHOST STORY THEN TEH ONLY THING MISSING WAS THE CREEPY VIOLINS BUILDING UP A TERRIFING ATMOSPHERE... BUT I WAS NOT BOTHERED... I LIKED THE PLACE... I FELT NO SENSE OF INPENDING DOOM, OR DREAD OR FEAR OR ANIETY AT ALL... I WAS BEING RATIONAL... MY ONLY INTEREST IN BEING HERE WAS TO FIND OUT IF I WAS FUCKING INSANE.

I WAS TOLD TO WAIT IN A WAITING ROOM BY A SLIGHTLY RETARDED LOOKING ASIAN GIRL... AND SHE WORKED AT THE FRONT DESK... 4 HOURS LATER I MET MY FIRST DOCTOR... DOCTOR UHL, A YOUNG MAN, BALD AND NOT WHAI WOULD HAVE IMAGINED TO BE A PSYCHOLOGIST... HE LOOKED MORE LIKE TRAIN DRIVER, OR SOMEONE SERVING ME AT BURGER KING... FORTUNATELY HE WAS JUST TO TAKE DOWN MY DETAILS AND ASK A FEW BASIC QUESTIONS... HIS OFFICE WAS TINY. THIS WAS MY FIRST DISAPPOINTMENT ABOUT THERE BEING NO SOFA FOR ME TO LAY DOWN ON... ANYWAY... SO I TALKED. TOLD HIM MY REASONS FOR BEING HERE, AND HE LAUGHED... I WANTED TO SMASH MY FUCKING CHAIR OF HIS THINK SKULL AND BURN THE PLACE TO THE GROUND!!!

I DIDNT.

INSTEAD I TOLD HIM THAT WAS EXACTLY WHAT I WANTED TO DO TO HIM... AFTER ALL, THAT IS THE REASON IM HERE... TO BE HONEST ABOUT HOW I FEEL AND THE THINSG I THINK.

HE STOPPED LAUGHING... AND LEFT ME ALONE IN HIS TINY OFFICE... HALF AN HOUR LATER I WAS TAKEN TO MEET DOCTOR KINSKI FOR THE FIRST TIME... HIS OFFICE WAS MUCH BIGGER... WE TALKED FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS, THEN ONE BY ONE, SEVERAL OTHER DOCTORS WOULD COME IN, ASK A QUESTION OR TWO, THEN LEAVE... SOME WOULD JUST STAND BY THE DOOR AND STARE AT ME LIKE I WAS STRIPPER OR SOMETHING. THEY ALL SEEMED VERY CURIOUS ABOUT MY IDEAS ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS AND THE VIOLENCE IN MY THOUGHTS... IT REALLY IS LIKE THOSE BAD COP MOVIES, ASKING YOU THE SAME FUCKING QUESTIONS AGAIN AND AGAIN...

EVENTUALLY I STAYED THE NIGHT... BY ROOM WAS LIKE A CLOSET, COLD AND STAINED WALLS... AND ALL THROUGH TEH NIGHT I COULD HEAR THE MOANS OF OTHER PATIENTS ECHOING THROUGHOUT THE BUILDING... I SLEPT LIKE A BABY.

THE NEXT DAY I WAS GIVEN BLOOD TESTS AND A PHYSICAL CHECK UP. THEN I MEET DOCTOR STEGNER IN HER OFFICE. SHE WAS A STICK FIGURE OF A VILE LOOKING CREATURE... AND I COULD TELL SHE HAD NO TIME NOR INTERESTED IN ME. I BELIEVE SHE ONLY LOOKED UP FROM HER DESK ONCE AND THAT WAS TO CHECK THE CLOCK... SO FAR I HAD DONE A LOT OF TALKING AND HEARD NOTHING IN RETURN... IT ALL SEEMED A WASTE OF TIME... BUT KINSKI SAID THERE WAS NO HARM IN STAYING FOR A 10 DAY TRAIL PERIOD... I SAID WHAT THE FUCK.

SO I WENT HOME... WROTE ON FACEBOOK THAT WAS GOING AWAY... NO ONE TOOK IT SERIOUSLY OF COURSE... AND I DIDNT TELL ANYONE... WHY SHOULD I...

SO HERE I AM.

AND WHAT A FIRST DAY IT HAS BEEN... I GOT TO MEET MY ROOM MATE OTTO, HE LOOKS LIKE A 16 YEAR OLD JUNKY. HE WAS NERVOUS AND I DIDNT MAKE HIM FEEL ANY BETTER, IM NOT HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS WITH LUNATICS. AND SO I HAD MY FIRST GROUP-SESSION... THERE ARE ABOUT 8 OF US... FOR TWENTIES TO FIFTIES... ALL MEN... I CANT REMEMBER WHERE EXACTLY EVERYONE IS FROM, BUT FROM ALL OVER EUROPE... ENGLISH IS THE COMMON BOND, AND ONLY BOND...IF YOU ASKED ME IT WAS ANOTHER WASTE OF TIME... SMALL TALK... UNTIL THE FAT GUY SUDDEN JUMPED UP AND ATTACKED THE DUDE NEXT TO HIM!!! IT WAS AWESOME!!! I JUST SAT AND WATCHED HIS GUY GET HIS HEAD PUNCHED IN... IT WAS JUST LIKE SCHOOL ALL OVER AGAIN... AND THEN THE ORDERLY IN WHILE BURST IN AND DRAGGED THE FAT ASS AWAY... I WAS JUST WAITING FOR THE TERMINATOR TO WALK THROUGH THE DOOR AND SAY "COME WITH ME IF YOU WANT TO LIVE."

AT LUNCH I DRANK FUCKING AWFUL BLACK TEA AND LOOKED OVER THE LUNCH HALL... THERE MUST HAVE BEEN ABOUT 40 PATIENTS THERE... EVERYONE IN THEIR BED GOWNS AND WHITE BATHROBES AND SLIPPERS... AND I HAVE TO SAY ITS FUCKING FREEZING IN THIS FUCKING PLACE!!! I SWEAR, THE COLD IS ENOUGH TO DRIVE YOU INSANE HERE. BATHROBE??? I DONT NEED A BATHROBE, I NEED A FUCKING SLEEPING BAG AND ONE OF THOSE CREATURE FROM EMPIRES STRIKES BACK, THE ONE HAN SHOVES LOOK INSIDE AND SAYS "AND I THOUGHT THEY SMELLED BAD ON THE OUTSIDE."

AS FAR AS MY VOLUNTARY TREATMENT GOES, I AM ALLOWED TO KEEP MY CELL PHONE ON ME AND READ MY BOOK, BUT NO MUSIC IS A REAL CUNT. I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF "FREE-ASSOCIATION" WITH DOCTOR KINSKI THIS EVENING WHEN I GOT SOME TEXTS... KINSKI SUGGESTED I NOT USE MY PHONE WHILE HERE... DUE TO THE CONTENT OF THE TEXT I THINK HE MIGHT HAVE A POINT...

SO YES YOU GUESSED IT... I TALKED ABOUT ME CHILDHOOD, AND RELATION TO MY FAMILY... I FOUND IT HARD NOT TO LAUGH... I HAD TO ASK, HOW MANY PATIENTLY ACTUALLY WANT TO FUCK THEIR PARENTS??? KINSKI DECLINED TO ANSWER.

AFTER MY ONE ON ONE, I SAW AN AMBULANCE OUTSIDE, EITHER SOMEONE KILLED THEMSELF OR SOMEONE KILLED SOMEONE... COS THE POLICE SOON ARRIVED...

AT DINNER A MIDDLE AGED WOMAN SAT NEXT TO ME. SHE LOOKED NORMAL. LOOKED LIKE A TYPICAL MOTHER. SHE WAS RUSSIAN OR SOMETHING. AND SEEMED INTERESTED IN MY TATTOOS. I ASKED HER HOW LONG SHE HAD BEEN HERE... AND SHE JUST STARTED TO CRY... NOT SOBBING... JUST SAT THERE... STARING AT ME AS TEARS RAN DOWN HERE EYES... I DONT KNOW WHAT SHE WAS CRYING ABOUT, THE FOOD WAS PRETTY FUCKING TASTY.

SO BACK IN MY ROOM, OTTO SEEMED KEEN TO IMPRESS ME, TALKING SHIT... I WASNT INTERESTED... UNTIL THE FIRE ALARM SUDDENLY RANG LOUD!!!

NOW, HANGING AROUND INSIDE THE HOSPITAL IN BATHROBES IN COLD ENOUGH... STANDING OUTSIDE IS NOT FUCKING FUNNY!!!

I DONT KNOW WHAT THE FUCKING DEAL WAS, BUT NOT FIRETRUCKS CAME, AND SLOWLY WE ALL MOVED BACK INSIDE... I DONT KNOW IF I AM CRAZY, BUT I SEEM TO FIT IN PERFECTLY WITH THESE FREAKS. NO ONE STARES AT ME AND NO ONE CARES. BUT IM NOT HERE TO FIT IN... IM LOOKING FOR ANSWERS... AND SO FAR THE ONLY THING I HAVE LEARNED IS THAT THIS PLACE IS A FUCKING SHIT HOLE.

DAY 2.

SATURDAY 19.11.11

I WOKE UP THIS MORNING WITH THE LIGHTS AUTOMATICALLY BURSTING ON AT 7AM. I HATE EARLY MORNINGS, ESPECIALLY ON A FUCKING SATURDAY!!!

I WAS TAKING A GOOD HOT SHOWER WHEN I CAME OUT INTO THE BATHROOM TO SEE A FRAIL OLD MAN STANDING NAKED, POINTING A CROOKED FINGER AT ME. I STOOD STILL I JUST MY TOWEL, THEN HE STARTED SCREAMING!!! SCREAMING LIKE A WOMAN... I IGNORED THE DEMENTED FUCK, AND WALKED OUT TOPLESS BACK TO MY ROOM... I GUESS THAT IS WHEN OTHER PATIENTS SAW THE REST OF TATTOOS. COS THE HALLWAY WENT DEATHLY SILENT.

I AM A FREAK AMOUNG FREAKS.

FOR BREAKFAST I HAD 2 CUPS OF THAT SHIT BLACK TEA... AND STARTED TO COUNT THE NUMBER OF EYES NOW STARING AT ME. 16 PAIRS.

BEING SATURAY WE HAD ART CLASS BEFORE LUNCH... I JUST STOOD BY THE WINDOW AND LOOKED OUT THE WINDOW AT THE IRON FRONT GATES, THE OVERCAST SKY AND SURROUNDING TREES... I DONT KNOW IF IM GETTING PARANOID OR JUST FINDING IT FUNNY THAT THIS WHOLE SCENE SOUNDS LIKE ITS OUT OF ANOTHER RAIN-MAN LIKE MOVIE... BUT TO BE HONEST, IT WAS THE WARMEST PLACE IN THE FUCKING ROOM NEXT TO THE RADIATOR. THE WARM AFTER GLOW FROM THE BOILING HOT SHOWER WAS FADING AND THE COLD WAS SINKING ITS TEETH IN.

THEN IN CAME DOCTOR BITCH. STEGNER. I WATCHED HER MOVE FROM PATIENT TO PATIENT CRITISING WHAT THEY DID... INTERESTING HOW I REFER TO PEOPLE HERE AS "PATIENTS" AND "DOCTORS"... THE LINE BETWEEN WHO IS IN CHARGE AND WHO IS LESS THAN HUMAN IS CLEAR... AND IM ONE OF THEM... AT LEAST HERE THEY DONT PRETEND TO BE YOUR FRIEND. SO DOCTOR BITCH MATCHED UP TO ME AND DEMANDED TO KNOW WHY I WASNT FINGER PAINTING??? I SAID I DIDNT PAINT. SHE THEN PULLED UP THE TINY PLASTIC CUP WITH SEVERAL PALE PILLS INSIDE. MEDICATION??? I DIDNT AGREE TO TAKING DRUGS... SHE THEN SAID EITHER I TAKE THE PILLS OR I PAINT... IM A TEENAGER ALL OVER AGAIN...

FINE... I SAT DOWN NEXT TO A COUPLE OF DIM LOOKING FOOLS, PICKED UP A CARON AND GRABBED SOME OF THAT CHEAP ASS NEWSPRINT PAPER... FLASHBACKS TO SCHOOL... I HAVE HAVING SERIOUS DOUBTS THAT THIS CO-CALLED THERAPY IS ANYTHING BUT A BAD JOKE... BUT AFTER A FEW MINITES OF ME DRAWING, I FOUND MYSELF SITTING ALONE IN THE ROOM... I LOOK UP AND FIND THE PATIENTS CROWDED BY THE DOUBLE DOORS... I DIDNT EVEN NOTICE THEM GET UP... DOCTOR BITCH SOON RETURNED... SHE WAS NOT IMPRESSED BY MY PICTURE... BUT CLEARLY THE PATIENTS HAD AN EMOTIONAL REACTION TO IT... I WANTED TO AVVOID TALKING ABOUT MY ART WHILE I WAS HERE... GUESS I CANT NOW.

IM TYPING THIS AT LUNCH, I HAVE A ONE ON ONE WITH MY WEEKEND DOC NOW... LETS SEE IF I FAILED ART CLASS LIKE I DID AT SCHOOL.

(IF YOU ARE WONDERING, I HAVE A LOCKER WHERE I CAN STORE MY LAPTOP AND SHIT... APPARENTLY IM THE ONLY VOLUNTARY PATIENT HERE)

OK SO ITS NOW NEARLY MIDNIGHT... AFTER LUNCH I HAD MY APPOINTMENT WITH THE WEEKEND INTERN, THE MID TWENTIES HELM... YOU GOT TO BE KIDDING ME... THEY SEND A KID IN HERE TO DEAL WITH ME... WELL FINE, FUCK HIM... I SPENT THE NEXT 5 HOURS ENDLESSLY SPEWING OVER THIS KID MY ATTITUDE TOWARD ART IN GENERAL AND THEN THE ART I MAKE... LETS JUST SAY HE DIDNT CURE ME, BUT I THINK I HAVE A NEW FAN... FUCK!!! SO WHAT WAS THE POINT???

MY MOOD WAS NOT UPBEAT WHEN I MADE MY WAY TO DINNER... WHEN I SAW ANOTHER POLICE VAN OUT IN THE DRIVE WAY... CURIOUS I WENT AND ASKED TEH RETARDED ASIAN GIRL AT THE DESK. SHE TOLD ME THAT IN ANOTHER BUILDING THEY KEPT PSYCHO/VIOLENT OFFENDERS WHILE WAITING FOR TRAIL... THE PLOT THICKENS...

AT DINNER EVERYONE MOVED AWAY FROM ME... AND THEN ONE OF THE ORDERLY HANDED ME A PILL AND SAID IT WAS FROM DOCTOR BITCH... I DIDNT TAKE IT.

AFER DINNER I READ MY BOOK IN THE LOUNGE NEAR A RADIATOR... ABOUT AN HOUR LATER I SAW SOMEONE NAKED LIMPING OUTSIDE... I LOOKED CLOSER OUT THE WINDOW AS A CAR ARRIVED... A MAN STEPPED OUT OF THE CAR AND YALLED AT THE WOMAN LIKE SHE WAS DOG IN THE HEADLIGHTS... THE NAKED THING SLOWLY TURNED AROUND AND LIMPED UP THE FRONT STAIRS... THEN SOMEONE STARTED CRYING ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM... MADHOUSES ARE NOT FUNHOUSES.

I COULDNT SLEEP TONIGHT... SO GOT UP ABOUT AN HOUR AFTER LIGHTS OUT... THIS ISNT A PRISON, THE DOORS ARE NOT LOOKED... SO I TOOK A WALK THROUGH THE DARK CORRIDORS... WENT UP TO THE FOURTH FLOOR... FOUND A WINDOW WITH A VIEW TO THE LAKE... THEN WENT DOWN TO THE GROUND FLOOR AND FOUND AN OLD INDOOR SWIMMING POOL. WELL ITS NOT A POOL FOR SWIMMING. ITS TOO SMALL... MY MIND WOUNDERS TO EVIL NAZI EXPERIMENTS... AND THEN I LAUGH AT THE AFFECT HOLIWOOD FILMS HAS HAD ON MY STAY HERE... THERE ARE NO GHOSTS, NO SERIAL KILLERS, NO ZOMBIE GRAVESITES AND NO EVIL NAZI DOCTORS CONDUCTING SATANIC EXPERIMENTS. THEN PLACE IS COLD AND DEAD AND UGLY AND SMELLS WORSE THAN MOST HOSPITALS. I FEEL NOTHING FOR THIS PLACE. NO FEAR, NO COMFORT, NO ATTACHMENT. IT IS THE DOCTORS THAT DISAPPOINT ME WITH THEIR LACK OF DEDICATION... NO THATS NOT DISAPPOINTING. I KNOW THIS NOT A FUCKING AMERICAN MOVIE WHERE PEOPLE ACTUALLY GIVE A FUCK ABOUT EACH OTHER... THIS IS REALITY, THESE DOCOTORS ARE JUST DOING THEIR FUCKING JOB. I AM JUST ANOTHER PATIENT. IN A FEW DAYS THEY WILL FORGET I EVER EXISTED.

DAY 3.

SUNDAY 20.11.11

ITS BEEN A LONG SUNDAY. PROBABLY DUE TO NOT SLEEPING THEN BEING WOKEN AT 7!!! EVERYDAY IS EXACTLY THE SAME HERE... NO SLEEP INS ON SUNDAY, MOTHERFUCKER.

IVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT HOW A LOT OF THINGS AT THIS INSANE ASYLUM MAKE LITTLE SENSE.

FIRSTLY, I MUST BE INSANE TO VOLUNTARILY PUT MYSELF THROUGH THIS FUCKING SHITHOLE!!! CASE CLOSED!!! IM FUCKED IN THE HEAD TO STAY HERE!!!

WHY ARE THERE NO LOCKS ON THE PATIENT ROOM DOORS??? WHY AM I GIVEN A CHOICE TO TAKE MY MEDS AT ALL??? WHY AM I ALLOWED TO USE MY CELL PHONE AND LAPTOP WHEN NO ONE ELSE CAN??? WHY AM I GIVEN AN OPTIONS AT ALL HERE???

COS IM NOT DIAGNOISED INSANE YET??? COS IM INNOCENT UNTIL PROVEN GUILTY??? COS THIS IS ALL A TEST???

MAKES ME START TO WORRY IF I FAIL THIS TEST... SERIOUSLY... TO BE STUCK IN THIS PLACE WITHOUT THE OPTION TO JUST WALK OUT DISTURBS ME MORE THAN THE OLD GUY PISSING BLOOD OVER MY BEDROOM DOOR THIS MORNING... YET IF THE OTHER PATIENTS ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE, HOW COME I SEE PEOPL WONDEIRNG ABOUT AIMLESSLY??? IS THE SECURITY HERE JUST SHIT???

ANYWAY... TO RECAP OVER TODAYS RETARDED EVENTS...

AFTER SNAPPING AND YELLING AT THE CUNT TO "PISS OFF" LITERALLY FROM MY DOOR, I SKIPPED A SHOWER AND WENT TO BREAKFAST... HAD MY 2 CUPS OF VILE TEA AND WENT AND ASKED THE DUDE AT THE SUPPLY ROOM IF I COULD GET A SECOND BATHROBE COS IM SICK OF FREEZING... HE LAUGHED LIKE IT WAS FUNNY AND GAVE ME 2 MORE BATHROBES AND SOME WOOLY SOCKS... THANKS CUNT, YOU COULD HAVE GIVEN ME THIS SHIT WHEN I FIRTS FUCKING ARRIVED!!!

SO FEELING A LOT WARMER IN 3 ROBES I HAD THE OPTION OF SUNDAY CHURCH SERVICES OR WATCHING "FORST GUMP" IN THE LOUNGE... I DECIDED TO TAKE A WALK OUTSIDE IN MY NEW GEAR... SURPRSINGLY IT WASNT EVEN THAT COLD TODAY...

SO I TOOK A WALK AROUND THE HOSPITAL... BASICALLY ITS LIKE A BIG "U"... BUT ONCE I GOT AROUND THE BACK I FOUND A PATH THAT LEAD THROUGH THE TREES TO A SCOND FACITITY... THE HOLDING CELLS FOR THE REAL NUTTERS I WOULD ASSUME... SO I CASUALLY STROLLED UP THERE, ITS CLOSER TO THE LAKE AND ABOUT HALF THE SIZE AS THE MAIN BUILDING. THE WINDOWS ARE ALL BARRED AND I SAW NO ONE INSIDE... SO I WALKED AROUND IT AND CAME TO THE EDGE OF THE LAKE WHERE A SMALL WHARF EXTENED OUT INTO THE MURKY WATERS... I WALKED OUT AND STOOD AT THE END LOOKING AROUND THE QUIET VIEW... NO OTHER BUILDINGS ANYWAY. JUST LEAFLESS TREES. IT WOULD HAVE BEEN RATHER PEACEFUL EXCEPT FOR THE SCREAMING THAT STARTED TO COME FROM THIS SECOND BUILDING. AND THEN I LOOKED DOWN AND NOTICED WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN BLOOD STAINS ON THE CRACKED WOOD OF THE WHARF. OLD DRIED BLOOD. THIS PLACE JUST OOZES WITH WARM FUZY FEELINGS OF CHAINSAW MURDERS.

BY THE TIME I SLOWLY WALKED BACK TO THE HOSPITAL I FOUND ALL HELL HAD BROKEN LOOSE. THERE WAS VOMIT EVERYWHERE!!! TURNS OUT THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG WITH THE BREAKFAST AND HAD GIVEN EVERYONE FOOD POISONING... GOD BLESS MY DISGUSTING BLACK TEA!!! BUT THEN UP CAME SOME RIGHTEOUS OLD TROUT AND SHE HISSED AT ME... IM NOT KIDDING, SHE HISSED LIKE A PISSED OFF CAT AT ME. THEN IN HER EAST EUROPIAN ACCENT SAID "THE MARK OF CAIN" AND SPAT AT MY FEET BEFORE SHUFFLING OFF TO PUKE HER RING OUT.

I WOULD BE LYING IF I DIDNT GET SOME SENSE OF DELIGHT IN SEEING ALL THIS MOTHERFUCKING HURLING THEIR GUTS UP... REMINDED ME OF A FAMILY GUY EPISODE WHERE THEY ALL START PUKING OVER EACH OTHER IN THE LIVING ROOM... EXCEPT THE SMELL WAS SOMETHING TO MAKE A BLOND MANS EYES WATER...

IN MY ATTEMPT TO AVOID THE SICKLY, I WENT EXPLORING AGAIN. AND I FOUND A LIBRARY. I WOULD SAY IT DOESNT GET A LOT OF USE. THE INSANE HAVE THE VOICES IN TEHIR HEADS TO INFORM THEM ABOUT ANYTHING THEY WILL NEVER KNOW. I STAYED IN THERE FOR SOME HOURS READING MY BOOK... AND LET ME SAY IT NOW, THE BOOK IM READING "LANGUAGE, TRUTH & LOGIC" BY ALFRED JULES AYER, HAS BEEN ONE OF THE MOST PAINFUL BOOKS IVE EVER READ, YET AT THE SAME TIME HAS SOME OF THE MOST INCEDABLE PASSAGES I HAVE EVER COME ACROSS... IF EVERY KID STUDIED THIS BOOK AT SCHOOL, I WOULD BELIEVE THE WORLD WOULD BE A BETTER FUCKING PLACE.

SO LUNCH CAME (NO DOCTOR APPOINTMENTS TODAY) AND I WENT FOR SOME MORE SHIT TEA... AND FOUND THE MESS-HALL NEARLY EMPTY... NO SURPRISE... BUT THEN I NOTICED THIS GIRL SITTING IN THE FAR CORNER. CALL IT MY "BIOLOGICAL INTEREST" THAT DROVE ME TO "CHECK HER OUT". I WALKED UP NEAR THE RADIATOR AND GLANCED DOWN AT THE BIBLE ON THE TABLE IN FRONT OF HER... THEN I WALKED OFF... FUCKING BIBLE BASHERS...

AS I WENT THROUGH THE HOSPITAL I FOUND ORDERLIES CLEANING UP POOLS OF VOMIT AND I DID NOT ENVY THEM. I FOUND OTTO SLEEPING WITH A BUCKET ON THE FLOOR OF OUR ROOM. SO I CONTINUED WALKING... UNTIL I SAW INTO THE ROOM OF SOME OTHE RPATIENT AND FOUND THE WALLS COVERED IN THE MOST AMAZING DRAWINGS... DRAWINGS OF CATHEDRALS AND OLD CITIES... FUCKING EXCELLENT WORK... I WAS ABOUT TO WALK ON BY WHEN I NOTICED MY SKETCH FROM YESTERDAY LAING ON THE FLOOR... SON OF A BITCH!!! BUT FUCK IT... HE CAN HAVE IT.

I WAS IN THE LOUNGE, AS FOREST GUMP PLAYED FOR THE SECOND TIME WHEN AN AMBULANCE ARRIVED WITH A NEW PATIENT... JUST ANOTHER OLD WOMAN WHO LOST HER MARBLES.

THE AFTERNOON WAS SLOW... BY DINNER TIME AGAIN I SAW THE BIBLE GIRL SITTING ALONE...

IT WAS ABOUT 8 AT NIGHT WHEN I HEARD SOMEONE CRYING IN THE CHAPEL ROOM... I FOUND THAT CHICK SITTING ON THE FLOOR, HUGGING HER KNEES. SHE LOOKED UP WITH BIG BLACK EYES STRAIGHT AT ME. I SNEERED AT HER AND LEFT HER TO HER MISERY.

SO, AFTER 3 DAYS IN THIS FUCKING PLACE WHAT HAVE I LEARNED ABOUT MYSELF???

THEY ONLY THING INSANE ABOUT ME IS MY TOLERANCE FOR THIS HELLHOLE!!! AND ANOTHER 7 DAYS HERE IS GOING DRIVE ME FUCKING CRAZY!!!

UNLESS I ENTERTAIN MYSELF...

BRUCE

DAY 4.

MONDAY 21.11.11

MONDAY WAS SHIT... SAME FUCKING PYSCHOS AS EVERY OTHER DAY.

THIS PLACE IS ONLY WORSENING MY MOOD.

MY ONE ON ONE WITH THE DOC ARE NOW ONLY 20 MINTURE SESSIONS.

THE GROUP THEROPY IS CHAOS AND ULTIMATELY A WASTE OF TIME.

I HAVE BEGUN ENTERTAINING MYSELF BY FUCKING WITH THE PATIENTS... BUT IS IT REALLY POSSIBLE TO MESS WITH SOMEONE WHO IS ALREADY FUCKED???

LETS FIND OUT.

FUCKING HATE THIS FUCKING PLACE.

STARTED READING RICHARD DAWKINS NEW BOOK, "THE MAGIC OF REALITY".

THERE IS NOTHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO IN THIS PLACE... AND THAT REMINDS ME, "AS ABOVE SO BELOW"

DAY 5.

TUESDAY 22.11.11

TODAYS ONE ON ONE SESSION, DOCTOR SAY I HAVE A WARPED VIEW OF WOMEN. I HAVE SADISTIC TENDANCIES. I NEED AGNER MANAGEMENT. I SHOULD START TAKING MEDICATION TO BALANCE MY EMTIONAL MOOD SWINGS. BUT THE ICING ON THE CAKE WAS BEING TOLD TO JOIN A 12 STEP PROGRAM... I COULDNT HELP BUT LAUGH IN HIS FUCKING FACE.

THIS FUCKING PLACE IS GETTING ME NOWHERE!!! IT ISNT TELLING ME ANYTHING I DIDNT ALREADY FUCKING KNOW!!! BUT THEY ARE NOT OFFERING SOLUTIONS, THEY ARE JUST PIGION-HOLING ME AND SWEEPING ME UNDER THE CARPET OF BURACRATIC BULLSHIT!!!

I DONT KNOW IF THIS PLACE IS BEGINNING TO AFFECT ME OR I AM REALLY SLIPPING OFF THE EGDE... BUT I FOUND MYSELF WALKING AROUND OUTSIDE NAKED THIS EVENING... WENT THE ORDERLIES ASKED WHAT I WAS DOING??? I DIDNT KNOW WHAT TO SAY... I STILL DONT.

MY BEARD IS GROWING.

I CAN HEAR THEM TALKING ABOUT ME BEHIND THE WALLS. FUCKING CUNTS!!! THINK THAT JUST COS YOURE NOT SPEAKING ENGLISH I DONT KNWO WHAT FUCKING GOING ON HERE!!! MOTHERFUCKERS!!! ILL FUCKING TEACH THEM A THING OR TWO!!! LATER, WHEN THAT ARE ALL ASLEEP!!! WHEN THE DRUGS KICK IN!!! I KNWO WHERE THEY KEEP THE FUCKING SCISSORS!!!

DAY 6.

WEDNESDAY 23.11.11

ON MY WAY TO THE SHOWERS THIS MORNING A CAME ACROSS A LITTLE GIRL. SHE MUST HAVE BE 7 OR 8 YEARS OLD. SHE WAS STANDING THE MIDDLE OF THE HALL STARING INTO ANOTHER ROOM... I CONTINUED TOWARD THE BATHROOM, WHEN SHE TURNED AND LOOKED UP AT ME... THEN IN PERFECT BRITISH ENGLISH SHE ASKED, "ARE YOU THE DEVIL???" KIDS DO TAKE TATTOOS LITERALLY DONT THEY. BUUT THE NEXT THING I KNEW I WAS ATTACKED FROM BEHIND AND SLAMMED INTO A WALL!!! SOME TINY AMERICAN WITH AN ELIS WANT-TO-BE HAIR DO PUNCHING AND YELLING AT ME!!! YOU COULD SAY IT WAS TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING FOR THIS SHIT AND I SNAPPED AND STARTED LASHING OUT, KICKED AND PUNCHING THIS LITTLE PRICK UNTIL I WAS ON TOP OF HIM THUMPIUNG HIS SKULL INTO THE FLOOR - WHEN SUDDENLY I WAS DRAGGED AWWAY BY 3 ORDERLIES.

VISITORS... CANT THEY LEAVE US SICK PEOPLE ALONE???

IN THE INFINRMARY, KINSKI APOLOGIZED TERRIBLY FOR THE INSIDENT WHILE A DARGON LADY OF A NURSE BANDAGED MY BLOODY FACE. KINSKI SAID THE AMERICAN'S WIVE (A PATIENT HERE) HAD KILLED HERSELF LAST NIGHT, AND HE HAD BEEN DRINKING... I THOUGHT I COULD SMELL IT ON HIS RANCID BREATHE.

AT BREAKFAST I SAT LOOKING AT MY BRUISED KNUCKLES. THEY DIDNT EVEN HURT. IT WAS A GOOD PAIN. A SPIDER THEN CRAWLED ACROSS THE TABLE... I USED MY EMPTY CUP TO BREAK ITS LEGS THEN WATCHED IN LIMP IN CIRCLES...

MY ONE ON ONE TODAY WITH KINSKI WAS LONGER THAN NORMAL... HE WANTED TO TALK ABOUT FAMILY... WHY I DIDNT HAVE KIDS OF MY OWN... I NEVER WANTED CHILDREN, EVEN AS A KID ONE OF MY FIRST COGNITIONS WAS TAHT I NEVER WANTED TO HAVE CHILDREN. I DISLIKED MYSELF AT AN EARLY AGE. I WAS ALWAYS THE RUNT OF THE LITTER. THE WEAKER BROTHER. THAT AND OTHER MEDICAL PROBLEMS AT AN EARLY AGE, PLUS ONE OF THE FIRST LESSONS I LEARNED AT SCHOOL WAS THAT I WAS NOT ONE OF THE SMART COOKIES IN THE COOKIE JAR... SO EVEN AS A CHILD THE LOGIC OF THE SITUATION SEEMED BLATANT... IF I WAS FLAWED BIOLOGICALLY, AND I BLAMED MY PARENTS FOR THAT AS THEY CREATED ME, WHY WOULD I DO THAT TO ANOTHER PERSON??? WHY MAKE SOMEONE WOULD WOULD BE JUST AS FUCKED AS ME??? SURE AS I GOT OLDER I ADAPTED TO MY BODY, GOT SMARTER, BUT ONLY SMART ENOUGH TO TRICK PEOPLE INTO THINKING I WAS SMARTED THAN I ACTUALLY WAS... STREET SMARTS, BUT THATS NOT ENOUGH!!! NEVER WAS AND NEVER WILL BE!!! BUT SURE, THERE HAVE BEEN A COUPLE OF OCCASIONS IN MY LIFE WHEN I RECONSIDERED MY CONVICTION AGAINST HAVING CHILDREN... WHEN I GOT ENGAGED... HELL, I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD GET MARRIED... BUT I WAS RIGHT. I DIDNT!!! AND THEN IN THIS LAST RELATIONSHIP... EVEN TALKED ABOUT NAMES FOR A KID... HAD A GOOD ONE TOO... BUT THATS ALL OVER NOW!!! AND LIKE LAYERS OF SEDIMENTARY SOIL, I KNWO MY UNDERLINING CONVICTION AGAINST FATHERING ANYONE IS FUCKING RIGHT!!! I HATE PEOPLE AND HATE MYSELF!!! WHY CREATE ANOTHER WORTHLESS DISAPPOINTMENT THAT WOULD HATE ME TOO!!! FUCK THAT SHIT!!! THE DAY I AM FINALLY HAPPY WITH MYSELF I WILL CONSIDER RUINING IT AGAIN...

BUT KINSKI KEPT PUSHING... DONT I WANT TO BE A FATHER AND PASS ON MY KNOWLEDGE TO SOMEONE WHO WILL LOVE ME UNCONDISIONALLY???

FIRSTLY, I REJECTED MY OWN FAMILY, SO "UNCONDISIONAL LOVE" IS DEAD TO ME!!! PROVED FACT!!! AS FOR PASSING ON MY "KNOWLEDGE", HAS THIS FUCKING DOCTOR BEEN LISTENING TO A SINGLE MOTHERFUCKING WORD IVE BEEN SAYING??? I READ BOOKS ABOUT SCIENCE AND PHILOSOPHY NOW, COS I DONT KNOW THIS BASIC SHIT ALREADY!!! WHEN I CAN REMEMBER THE PERIODIC TABLE PERFECTLY, WHEN I CAN GET A TOTAL UNDERSTANDING OF HOW GLOBAL ECCONOMICS WORK, WHEN I CAN FUCKING SPELL THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE CORRECTLY... THEN, MAYBE JUST THEN I MIGHT HAVE SOMETHING WORTH A DAMN TO "PASS ON" TO A SHELL OF A FUCKING WORM!!! I DO NOT WANT OR WOULD WISH TO BE A FATHER!!!

SO KINSKI ASKED, AM I AFFRAID OF THE RESPONSIBILTY???

FUCK YOU, CUNT!!! THESE FUCKING TEENAGE WHORES SPEWING OUT MORE OF THESE FUCKING RETARDED BRATS HAVE NO RESPONSIBILTY!!! USELESS FUCKS SPAWNING LIKE THE VIRUS WE ULTIMATELY ARE!!! YEAH I SEE A LOT OF LOVE IN THIS FUCKING WORLD!!! CHILD RAPISTS, WIFE BEATER TEENAGE ADULTY MALES PLAYING COMPUTER GAMES ALONG SIDE NEXT TO THEIR DEFORMED INBRED OFFSPRING!!! HOW AM I SUPPOST TO RESPECT THEY SANCTITY OF MARRIAGE OR THE FAMILY UNIT WHEN IT IS BASED ON IMMATURE, SHORT-SIGHTED INDULGENCE!!! AND WHEN I SEE THESE FAT COWS LINING UP AT BERGER KIND TO SHOVE THIS OILY SHIT INTO THEIR SWOLLEN PIGS OF KIDS, I CANT HELP BUT SMILE IN DISGUST AND DELIGHT AT THEIR MISERY!!! CALL ME A SADIST, CALL ME SELFISH, CALL MY IRRESPONSIBIL... BUT DONT CALL THOSE HIDEOUS SLOBS AND THEIR INCESTUOUS LUST ANOTHER BUT THE SAME!!! FUCK THE FAMILY UNIT!!! FUCK KIDS!!! AND FUCK THIS THEROPY!!!

I WALKED OUT OF MY ONE ON ONE FOR AN EARLY LUNCH... I HOPE I FIND ANOTHER SPIDER.

I REMEMBER HEARING THAT SAYING, "GETTING ATHEISTS TOGETHER IS LIKE ROUNDING UP CATS." WELL I THINK SHOULD BE CHANGED FROM "ATHEISTS" TO "LUNATICS"

AND WHATS WITH THIS FUCKING FOG??? IS THIS SHIT REAL??? ANOTHER MOVIE REFERANCE, "THE OTHERS"... IN THAT FILM A HOUSE WAS SURROUNDED BY A DENSE FOG, AND IT AT FIRST SEEMED LIKE THE HOUSE WAS HAUNTED... BUT THE TWIST WAS THAT THEY WERE DEAD AND THEY WERE IN FACT TEH GHOSTS... I WONDER IF I DIED AND IF I TRY AND LEAVE THIS PLACE THE FOG JUST GETY THICKER AND THICKER... IS THERE ANYTHING OUT THERE???

IN GROUP TODAY I REALISE, THESE ARE MY PEOPLE. AS REVOLTING AND DISFIGURED AS THEY ARE, I AM ONE OF THEM. SO WHY NOT BECOME THE KING OF FOOLS??? STILL MAKES ME A FOOL... BUT THE 1% ASSHOLE TO THEIR DERANGED 99%!!! BETTER TO REIGN IN HELL THAN SERVE IN HEAVEN!!!

AT DINNER I SAT AND SCRATCHED MY BEARD AND LOOKED TO MY LEFT, THEN TO MY RIGHT AT ALL THE FREAKS AND COULDNT HELP MY SMIRK AS I SAID TO MYSELF, "JESUS HAD DAYS LIKE THIS."

I FOUND THAT OTTO ASKED TO BE REMOVED FROM OUR ROOM... I HAVE THIS AFFECT ON PEOPLE.

DAY 7.

THURSDAY 24.11.11

THIS MORNING AFTER BREAKFAST I WAS TAKEN INTO SOME OTHER OFFICE AND INTERVIEWED BY 2 POLICE MEN.

NOW I KNWO THAT SITTING IN FRONT OF TWO COPS IN A SERIOUS THING, BUT MY MIND WAS ELSE WHERE... I WAS THINKING ABOUT WHAT I WAS READING LAST NIGHT IN DAWKINS BOOK... EVERYTHING IS ABOUT PROCREATION... ALL I AM IS A SURVIVAL MACHINE FOR GENES. SO LOVE AND ALL IDEAS OF OTHER IMPORTANCE ARE DELUSIONS... AND IT REMINDED MY OF SOMETHING ANTHONY SAID THAT I NEVER FORGOT, "NEVER GIVE A GIRL AN ORGASM OR YOU'LL NEVER GET RID OF HER"... WHICH REMINDED MY OF FUCK-BUDDIES, HOW THEY START OUT ALL CARE-FREE BUT AFTER A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF TIME EMOTIONS GET INVOLVED... AND WHAT DID THEY SAY IN THAT FILM "THE DEVIL'S ADVOCATE", THAT LOVE IS BIO-CHEMICALLY NO DIFFERENT TO CONSUMING LARGE QUANTITIES OF CHOCOLATE... BUT IM ALERGIC TO CHOCOLATE... SO LETS CONNECT ALL THESE DOTS... LOVE IS NOTHING MORE THAN SEXUAL-ADDICTION WRAPPED UP IN FANCY CHRISTMAS PAPER!!! ITS ALL ABOUT SEX AND THE MIND AND SOUL BE DAMNED!!!

AND THEN ONE OF THE COPS WACKED ME IN THE SIDE OF MY HEAD!!! POLICE BRUTALITY!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON??? THEN I STARTED TO LISTEN... SO APPARENTLY EVERYDAY SINCE I ARRIVED HERE THERE HAS BEEN A SUICIDE... SO??? FUCK FUCKING WHAT??? IS THAT THE EXTENT OF THEIR POLICE WORK??? YOU LOOKED AT HE RECORDS AND SAW I ARRIVED TEH DAY THESE MORONS DECIDE TO CALL IT QUITS??? GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!!! IF THEY ARE SAYING I AM THAT INFLUENTIAL INTO THE MINDS OF RETARDS THAT I CAN CONVINCE THESE DIPSHITS TO OFF THEMSELVES JUST BY LOOKING AT THEM, THEN I MUST BE POSSESSED BY THE DEVIL!!! GET ME TO A NUNNERY!!! GET ME THE EXCOSIST!!! GET ME MEDAL FOR MY BLACK MAGIC POWERS OF AWESOMENESS!!!

SO WHEN I PUT IT TO THEM LIKE THAT THE SOUR FACED PIGS LET ME RETURN TO THE REST OF SHEEP...

SERIOUSLY, THIS IS POLICE WORK??? FUCK THE TV AND ITS C.S.I. HORSESHIT!!! COPS ARE NO MORE INTELLIGENT THAN THE VEGTABLES CRAWLING DOWN THESE FUCKING CORRIDORS!!!

AND FOR FUCKS SAKE!!! IVE BEEN CALLED A MANIPULATIVE PRICK, BUT WHERE IS THE EVIDENCE I GOT SOME MONGOLS TO SLIT THEIR FUCKING WIRSTS??? ARE MY FINGER PRINTS, HAIR OR SEMEN SAMPLE FOUND ON THE DEAD FUCK'S EYELIDS??? GET TEH FUCK OUT OF HERE AND GO ARREST THE CUNTING DRUG DEALERS AT THOSE CLUBS THAT PARTY ALL WEEKEND AND INTO MONDAY MORNING BACK IN BERLIN!!! NO ONE, AND I MEAN ABSOLUTELY NO HUMAN FUCKING BEING CAN DANCE OR EVEN LISTEN TO TECHNO FUCKING MUSIC FOR 72 MOTHERFUCKING HOURS STRAIGHT WITHOUT THE DIRECT ASSISTANCCE OF SOME PRETTY HEFTY CLASS A SUSTANCES!!! ENOUGH FUCKING SAID ON THE FACADE OF THE WAR ON DRUGS!!!

WHAT DID BILL HICKS SAY, "ITS A WAR ON PERSONAL FREEDOM, KEEP THAT IN MIND AT ALL TIMES OK."

AND THEN I FIND OUT FROM THE ASIAN MULE AT THE FRONT DESK THAT IT WAS OTTO WOULD KILLED HIMSELF LAST NIGHT... WELL SHIT... NO LOSS THERE.

I REMOVED THE PLASTERS FROM MY FACE THIS AFTERNOON, THEN I STARTED PICKING THE FRESH SCABS... JESUS... AM I A CHILD??? MAYBE I SHOULD JOIN A FIGHT CLUB... MAYBE I SHOULD GET MY ASS KICKED AGAIN... PUT ME IN MY PLACE... REMIND ME OF MY MEEK PLACE IN THE UNIVERSE AND LAUGH ABOUT IT... YOU GOT TO LAUGH ABOUT GETTING YOU ASS WHIPPED... ITS LIKE SHITTING YOUR PANTS... SURE ITS NOT FUNNY AT ALL WHEN IT HAPPENS, BUT THE NEXT DAY, FUCK ITS HILARIOUS!!! I HAVENT SHIT MYSELF IN A WHILE... I MIGHT BE DUE FOR AN ACCIDENT SOMETIME SOON... LETS SAY AT DINNER!!! I WONDER IF I COULD DELIBERATELY SHIT MY PANTS IN A CROWDED ROOM???

IN GROUP TODAY THEY WANTED TO TALK ABOUT FEAR, AND WHAT WE ARE AFRAID OF... JESUS FUCKING CHRIST... IS THERE A HIDDEN CAMERA IN HERE??? IS THIS AN AMERICAN SOAP-OPERA??? FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK, WHAT THE FUCK??? LETS ALL CRY AND HUG AND CONFESS OUR CHILDHOOD UNDERLING FUCKING FEAR OF THE DARK... JESUS!!! IS THSI WHAT THEROPY IS ALL ABOUT, ALL THOSE CLICHED FUCKING ONE LINERS??? THIS WHOLE PLACE IS TRITE WITH BULLSHIT LIKE THIS!!! I AM REMINDED OF YET ANOTHER FILM, K-PAX... WHEN JEFF BRIDGES SAY ITS HIS JOB TO CURE THE PATIENTS IN THE ASYLUM, THEN KEVIN SPACEY ASKED WHY HE HASNT DONE IT ALREADY???

WHY DOES THIS WHOLE SITUATION KEEP SPARKING UP MEMORIES OF MOVIES IVE SEEN??? BECAUSE I WATCH TOO MANY FILMS... OR IS IT BECAUSE THIS PLACE IS AS ORIGINAL AS A BAD FUCKING CHICK FLICK???

BUT BACK TO FEAR... SO ONE BY THE FUCKING ONE THE GUEST DOCTOR OF THE DAY ASKS WHAT EACH PATIENT IS FRIGHTENED OF... AND YOU WOULD GET ONE OF TWO REPLIES... 1, THEY WOULD TALK NONSENSE THAT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING... OR 2, THEY WOULD START ADMITTING ALL THIS HEART FELT TERROR OF THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD LIKE THEY HAD JUST LEARNED TO TALK... I CANNOT TELL YOU HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE TOLD ME THEIR RAPE STORIES... I MUST HAVE HAD THE ONLY UN-RAPED CHILDHOOD IN THE WHOLE FUCKING WORLD... IS THAT WHY I CANT RELATE TO THESE FUCKING ASSHOLES??? SO THEN ITS MY TURN... "BRUCE, WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF???"... I WAS 11 WHEN IT HAPPENED. IT WAS LATE ONE NIGHT. I CANT REMEMBER WHERE MY BROTHER OR SISTER WERE... BUT TO BE HONEST IT WASNT THE FIRST TIME... BUT THIS WAS THE TIME I RECALL MOST VIVIDLY, WHEN I WAS ELEVEN... AND FIRST SAW THE MOVIE "JAWS"!!! I WAS SO TERRFIED I LITERALLY CRAWLED UP THE SOFA TRYING TO GET AWAY FROM THE TV!!! IT HAS LEFT PERMANENT PSYCHOLOGICAL SCARS... AND THAT IS THE REAL REASON WHY TO THIS DAY I STILL CANNOT SWIM.

THE DOCTOR JUST NODDED HIS HEAD AS IF I HAD JUST TOLD HIM I HAD WITNESSED MY SISTER JERKING OFF THE PET DOG... THESE FUCKING DOCOTOR ARE LIKE RAGDOLLS, TOTALLY DESENSITISED, I COULD SAY I MURDERED HIS MOTHER 5 MINUTES AGO AND HE WOULD JUST MURMUR SOME DEEPLY THOUGHTFUL NOISE, NOD HIS HEAD AND MAKE A NOTE TO BUY MORE YELLOW POST-ITS.

THEN WHAT WAS THE NEXT TOPIC... THAT WE ARE ALL SPECIAL!!! OH MY FUCKING GOD!!! I SPOKE UP BEFORE ANYONE ELSE COULD, "IF WE ARE ALL EQIUALLY SPECIAL THEN THAT DEFEATS THE VERY DEFINITION OF THE FUCKING WORD!!!" I GOT UP AND WALKED OUT YELLING, "YEAH "SPECIAL" LIKE RETARDED SPECIAL!!!"

I WENT TO TAKE A PISS AND CAME ACROSS A SOME GUY CRYING HIS GUTS OUT IN ONE OF THE STALLS... I DID MY BEST TO IGNORE THE SORRY SACK OF SHIT... BUT THE CUNT NOTICED ME... HE WAS AMERICAN AND STARTED GOING ON ABOUT IT BEING "THANKS GIVING"... OH YEAH I FORGOT THAT WAS COMING UP... LIKE I GIVE A SHIT!!! AMERICANS AND THEIR UNIVERSAL BELIEF THAT THE WORLD REVOLVES AROUND THEIR FUCKING CULTURE!!! I FINISHED TAKING A LEAK AND WAS WELL ON MY WAY OUT OF TEH BATHROOM WHEN THE SUDDENLY SOBERED UP YANK COME AFTER ME LIKE A STRAY FUCKING DOG, YAPPING ON ABOUT HIS MOTHER AND WHERE EVER THE FUCK HE WAS FROM THE IN THE STATES... I DID EVERYTHING IN MY POWER TO LOSE THE FUCKER, AND AVOID TALKING TO HIM... BUT HE WOULDNT FUCK OFF... SO HE SAT ACROSS THE TABLE FROM ME IN TEH ART ROOM AND STARTED CRYING AGAIN... SO I ASKED WHAT HE WAS DOING HERE??? HE CLEARS HIS EYES AND SAYS HE MARRIED A GERMAN GIRL AND NOW SHES PREGNANT BUT I DOESNT LOVE HER... BEFORE HE COULD SAY ANOTHER WORD I STOOD UP AND WHISPERED IN HIS EAR, "YOURE A REAL AMERICAN HERO." AND WALK OFF... I HEARD HIM START TO WEEP AGAIN LIKE FUCKING BABY... THIS PLACE IS FULL OF FAGOTS!!! AND IF THESE FUCKING DOCTORS THINK THEY ARE GOING TO GET ME TO SOB AND BREAKDOWN AND REPENT... I WILL DRESS LIKE CHICKEN AND DEEPFRY MYSELF LONG BEFORE THAT HAPPENS!!! AND IF I REALLY AM LIKE ONE OF THESE FUCKING PEOPLE, AT LEAST I HAVE SOME SEMBLANCE OF FUCKING SELF DIGNITY!!!

AFTER DINNER THAT GIRL I SAW THE OTHER DAY IN THE CHAPEL TOOK ME BY THE HAND AND LEAD ME OUTSIDE... I WOULD HAVE SHOOK THE BITCH LOOSE, BUT ITS BEEN OVER A WEEK SINCE I GOT LAID... SHE TOOK ME DOWN THE DRIVE WAY, OUT OF THE LIGHT OF THE BUILDING WHEN I FINALLY STOPPED HER. SHE LOOKED ME STRAIGHT IN THE EYES, BLOODSHOT HOLES OF THINGS THEY WERE, THEN SHE LIFTED HER GOWN. I FOUND IT A FASCINATING SIGHT... I HAVE NEVER SEEN A CIRCUMCISED VAGINA FIRST HAND BEFORE. AND THEN ALL HER EXTRA SELF-INFLICTED CUTS AND SCRATCHES SPREAD FROM HER UPPER INNER THIGH TO HER KNEES... I HAVE SEEN THINGS LIKE THIS BEFORE... BUT I STILL DONT KNOW WHY PEOPLE INSIST OF SHARING THEIR SELF-HUMILATIONS WITH ME... TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER ABOUT MYSELF??? AM I SUPPOST TO DO SOMETHING FOR THEM??? OR SHOULD I START MAKING A RECORD OF ALL THESE ATROCTIES I AM BLESSED WITH THE PRESENCE OF??? SHE SEEMED SHOCKED BY MY LACK OF SHOCK AT THE SIGHT... I THEN SAID TO HER, "ID STILL FUCK YOU IN THE ASS IF I HAD A CONDOM." AND I WENT TO WALK BACK INSIDE, SHE GRABBED MY ARM AND PULLED ME TO WAIT AS SHE BENT OVER AND SHOWED ME HER SWEET BOOTY... OH THE FRUSTRATION OF THIS PLACE JUST GETS WORSE!!! HER PUSSY MAY BE A HACKED UP PIECE OF MINCE, BUT HER BOOTY WAS SOME SWEET FUCKING TAIL!!! BUT IM NOT TOTALLY STUPID AS TO FUCK A FUCKED UP SLAG WITHOUT A JIMMY!!! NO SIR, I DONT THINK SO.

DAY 8.

FRIDAY 25.11.11

LAST NIGHT I CAME AS CLOSE AS I HAVE TO LEAVING THIS PLACE... NOT COS OF THE FUCKWIT PATIENTS, OR THE LAME ASS DOCTORS, OR HOW FUCKING FREEZING IT IS IN HERE; BUT COS I WANT TO FUCK AND SODOMISE AN EX-GIRLFRIEND TILL SHES SCREAMING... BUT I MANAGED TO RESTRAIN MYSELF AND SLAP MYSELF IN THE FACE AND SHAKE SOME SENSE INTO MYSELF!!! MY WEAKNESS FOR PUSSY IS ONE OF THE PRIME REASONS IN HERE IN THE FIRST FUCKING PLACE!!! CONTROL YOUR D.S.B. (DANGEROUS SPERM BUILD-UP)!!! DAMN IT!!!

BUT I WAKE UP TODAY AND I HAVE THAT FRUSTRATING TREMOUR IN MY CHEST... YOU KNOW GUYS, WHEN YOU HAVENT "RELEASED THE PRESSURE" IN A WHILE... I HAVE THIS PET THEORY ABOUT SPERM, THAT ITS LIKE URINE, NOT LITERALLY PISS!!! BUT LIKE WHEN YOU GOT TO GO, YOU GOT TO GO!!! AND IF YOU JUST HOLD ON IT DOESNT JUST GO AWAY... IT JUST GETS WORSE!!! COLD SWEATY PALMS, RACING HEART, GRINDING JAW... I KNOW THIS MIGHT SOUND LIKE A DRUG ADDICT, BUT ITS WORSE!!! ITS WITHDRAWAL!!! IM GOING PUSSY COLD-TURKEY... AND I KNOW IM ONLY GOING TO GET MORE HOSTILE... YOU KNOW WHAT I ALWAYS FOUND FUNNY: WHEN I WAS YOUNGER PEOPLE USED TO SAY "YOU JUST NEED TO GET LAID" WHICH JUST PISSED ME OFF EVEN MORE... BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, MOST PEOPLE WHO KNOW ME NOW CALL ME A FUCKING WHORE!!! AND IM STILL THIS PISSED OFF... SO THEREFORE DOES THAT MEAN MY ANGER HAS JUST BEEN GET MORE INTENSE AS I GET OLDER, AND EVEN WITH PUSSY IM STILL AN AGRO-CUNT, SO IF I STOP MY PUSSY ADDICTION NOW, HOW COLLOSAL WILL MY HATRED ME NOW-A-DAYS??? LETS FIND OUT - OR I MIGHT SNAP AND RAPE THAT BITCH FROM LAST NIGHT!!! WHICH WOULD PROVE ME INSANE... IS THAT THE PARADIGM-SHIFT I WAS LOOKING FOR HERE??? THAT SEX KEEPS YOU SANE. AND IF SEX IS AN ADDICTION, AND IF I HAVE BECOME A WHORE, THEN IT SHOULD BE UNDERSTANDABLE IN A LOGICAL ARGUEMENT THAT INFIDELITY IS ABSOLUTELY JUSTIFED!!!

IN ONE OF ONE WITH DOC KINSKI HE TALKED ABOUT NEEDING ROUTINE TO GET ME THROUGH MY DAYS... BABY STEPS... YEAH BUT IN THIS PLACE THERE IS NOT PRIORITY IN ANYTHING... ITS LIKE BEING A COW BEING HERDED FROM ROOM TO ROOM... TEHROPY IS LIKE GETTING MILKED... I ONLY WISH MY DOCTOR WAS LIKE THAT BITCH FROM TRANSFORMERS 3, THE VICTORIA SECRETS MODEL, AND THEN SHE COULD MILK THE SHIT OUT OF ME ALL DAY LONG!!! BUT SADLY MY DOC IS A INDIFFERENT OLD GNOME... MAYBE HE HAS A GRAND DAUGHTER WHO WILL JUST HAPPEN TO VISIT HIM DURING OUR SESSION TODAY... MAYBE... BUT PROBABLY NOT... FUCK... I NEED TO GET LAID!!! ROUTINE WOULD BE FINE WITH ME, IF ONCE A DAY WE GOT A THAI HAPPY-ENDING MASSAGE... HELL, I WOULD LIVE HERE IF THAT WAS PART OF THE DEAL!!! I BET THIS PLACE IS TEH SHIT IN SUMMER... WHY DID I HAVE TO TEST MY SANITY IN GERMAN WINTER??? I MUST BE FUCKING SICK!!! ROUTINE, REPEAT, REHEARSE, COPY AND PASTE... BUT HOW WILL THAT IMPROVE ANYTHING??? I UNDERSTAND "PRACTISE MAKES PERFECT", BUT THERE IS NO EVOLUTIONARY TRAJECTORY HERE... ITS JUST A ABNORMAL CONSTANT... THERE IS NO CLIMAX, NO PEAK TO CLIMB, NO CONFLICT TO OVERCOME... THIS PLACE DOESNT CHALLENGE YOU!!! IT MAKES YOU COMPLACENT AND CONTENT TO REPEAT THE SAME OLD ROUTINE... THIS PLACE IS NOT INTERESTED IN CURING ME... IT JUST WANTS ME TO STAY THE SAME AND STAY QUIET!!!

THIS REMINDS ME OF AN EX-FRIEND I ONCE KNEW A FEW YEARS AGO... SHE WAS DEPRESSIVE (LIKE MOST OF THE WORLDS POPULATION) AND HER THERAPST TOLD HER TO CHECK INTO A PLACE KIND OF LIKE THIS. BUT WHEN SHE HAD HER INITIAL EXAMINATION THEY SAID SHE WAS AN ALCHOLOIC, SO HAD TO CHECK INTO REHAB FIRST TO SORT OUT HER SUBSTANCE ABUSE BEFORE CHECKING INTO THE MADHOUSE TO DEAL WITH HER DEPRESSION... WELL 6 MONTHS LATER AND SHE WAS STILL IN REHAB... SO I DECIDED TO VISIT HER... YOU COULD SAY COS I WAS A "CARING FRIEND", OR YOU COULD SAY MORE ACCURATELY, COS I WAS CURIOUS TO SEE WHY ANYONE WOULD STAY IN REHAB FOR 6 LONG FUCKING MONTHS??? SO THE PLACE I WENT TO VISIT HER WAS THE POLAR-OPPOSITE TO THIS FUCKING DUMP!!! IT WAS SUMMER, IN THE SOUTH OF BERLIN, SMALL AND EVERYONE THERE SEEMED PRETTY HAPPY... I COULD SEE WHY SHE WAS STILL THERE... AND PLANNING TO STAY ON ANOTHER 3 MONTHS... WOW, A 9 MONTH HOLIDAY, SHE WAS ONTO A WINNER THERE!!! SHE WAS SMART, COS SHE WAS NOT AN ALCOHOLIC, SHE WAS NOT A DRUG ADDICT, COMPARED TO MOST GERMANS SHE WAS A VIRGIN!!! AND THEN AFTER THIS SHE WAS GOING STRAIGHT TO A CLINIC TO DEAL WITH HER DEPRESSION... WOW... SHE HAD A PLAN, AND IT WAS GREAT... I CALL HER AN EX-FRIEND COS AFTER SHE GOT OUT AND FOR THE NEXT YEAR SHE WOULD DO NOTHING BUT COME UP WITH EXCCUSE NOT TO DO ANYTHING, IF SHE WANTED TO SEE ME, I WOULD ALWAYS HAVE TO GO TO HER, AND EVEN THEN SHE CANCELLED OUR DATES ALMOST ALL THE TIME... THESE PEOPLE ARE NOT FRIENDS, THESE FUCKING PEOPLE ARE SCUM!!! SUCKING ON DADDIES COCK INTO HER MID TWENTIES!!! SPOLT FUCKING BRATS!!! AND THIS ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD IS FUCKING FULL OF THESE CUNTS!!! WHINING ABOUT HOW TRAGIC THEIR FUCKING SHIT LITTLE LIVES ARE, THEN CLINGING TO TITLES LIEK FUCKING "DEPRESSION" LIKE ITS SOMETHING TO BE MOTHERFUCKING PROUD OF!!! ITS NOT!!! YOURE GOD DAMN FUCKING RIGHT IM PISSED OFF!!! YOURE GOD DAMNED MOTHERFUCKING RIGHT I AM "HUBRIS"!!! FUCK THESE LITTLE SELF-PITY BITCHES!!! AND FUCK ALL THE GENUINE RETARDS IN THIS FUCKING SHITHOLE!!! GOOD FOR NOTHING!!! YES I CONDONE KILLING BABIES WITH DOWN SYNDROME!!! A WORTHLESS WASTE OF DNA THAT WILL NEVER ACHIEVE JACK SHIT!!! A DOG IS HIGHER ON THE FOOD CHAIN!!!

AT THIS POINT KINSKI SAID I NEEDED TO STOP, HE DIDNT LIKE THE DIRECTION MY DIALOG WAS GOING... MAYBE HE THOUGHT I MIGHT MENTION THE TABOO HERE IN GERMANY AND SAY SOMETHING RASH LIKE: "HITLER WAS RIGHT AFTERALL!!!" - IM NOT DUMB ENOUGH TO ASSUME THAT GERMANS FIND THAT JOKE FUNNY.

SO I LEFT ONE ON ONE AND GRABBED BY SOME OLD WOMAN IN THE HALLWAY, I THRASHED OUT AND SHOVED THE OLD CUNT INTO THE FUCKING WALL, WHERE SHE COLLAPSED LIKE A BUNCH OF BROKEN BONES... I WAS ABOUT TO RUN AND KICK HER IN THE GUTS, WHEN I REMEMBER SUDDENLY THAT I WASNT WEARING MY STEEL CAPS...

WAIT A SECOND... DID I JUST FREAK A PSYCHOLOGIST OUT??? JACKPOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I WAS IN THE MESS HALL COOLING OFF WITH A CUP OF TEA, WHEN DOCTOR BITCH MARCHES LIKE SHE WAS RIGHT OUT A NAZI FILM AND SLAMS A TINY PLASTIC CUP PACKED TO THE BRIM WITH PILLS IN FRONT OF ME, THEN STOMPS OFF WITHOUT A WORD... WHAT A CUNT!!! I GROUND THE PILLS UP INTO POWDER AND DUMBED THEM IN TODAYS SOAP. THE SECURITY HERE REALLY IS SHIT... GOD KNOWS WHAT THE OTHER PATIENTS HAVE PUT IN THE FOOD AROUND HERE???

ONE OF THE ORDERLIES FOUND ME ON THE FRONT STEPS AND SAID KINSKI WANTS ANOTHER SESSION THIS AFTERNOON... I SAID WITH HALF A GRIN, "BRING IT ON BROTHER!!!"

SO AFTER LUNCH KINSKI AND 3 OTHER PEOPLE SAT IN HIS OFFICE... THEY LOOK LIKE STUDENTS, INTERNS, TOURISTS, HIS KIDS??? THE ONLY FEMALE WAS FAT AND UTTERLY NOT FUCKABLE!!! KINSKI GOT THE BALL ROLLING WITH THE TOPIC OF JEALOUSY... BRAVO!!! EXCELLENT CHOICE!!! IF SUBJECTS WERE LIKE WINE, THIS WOULD BE A SUPERB YEAR!!! SO JEALOUSY... MY EX HAD A BIG PROBLEM WITH IT, BUT SEEMED TO THINK I DIDNT TOO... LET ME GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE OF WHAT PISSES ME OFF... VULTURES!!! I CAN SAY I KNOW WHAT VULTURES ARE COS I USE TO BE ONE... YEAH WHEN I WAS A TEENAGER!!! WHEN I WAS A FUCKING INSECURE LITTLE WORM!!! A VULTURE IS AN INCESTUOUS THING THAT EITHER TRIES TO FUCK HIS FRIENDS OR WAITS TILL THEY BREAK UP THEM SWOOP IN AND TRYS TO BE A REVENGE FUCK... SPINELESS FUCKING SCUM!!! BUT CAN I BLAME THEM, I DATE HOT BITCHES!!! BUT WHAT ANNOYS ME IS WHEN THEY TELL MY GIRL HOW SHIT I AM AND HOW BAD I AM FOR HER, AND HOW MUCH BETTER THEY ARE... YEAH THEIR MORAL CORE IS PURE AS SHIT!!! COWARDS WHO ARE TOO FUCKING LAZY TO GO FIND SOMEONE OUTSIDE OF THEIR ONE AND ONLY SOCIAL CIRCLE!!! NOW THIS ALONE IS NOT ENOUGH TO MAKE ME JEALOUS... LIKE I SAID MY GIRLS ARE ALL ALPHA-FEMALES, AND I SLEEP LIKE A BABY, COS IM A MAN AND I KNOW MY STRENGTHS AND I DONT ACT LIKE A BITCH AND COMPARE MY WEAKNESSES TO OTHER FUCKING ASSHOLES... I FOCUS ON ME, AND WOMEN ARE ATTRACTED TO MEN, NOT FAGOTS!!! BUT WHEN MY GIRL TELLS ME ABOUT THESE SO-CALLED FRIENDS OF MINE TRYING TO SLEEZE INTO HER PANTS BEHIND MY BACK... THAT MAKES ME PISSED!!! HER TELLING ME!!! YES BE PROUD THAT GUYS ARE STILL AFTER YOUR ASS, BUT WHEN ITS MY FRIENDS... THAT SHOWS WHERE THEIR FUCKING LOYALTY LIES... FUCKING INBREDING PRICKS!!! I THINK ITS MY GIRL WHO PISSES ME OFF MORE THAN THE VULTURE OF A FRIEND... GIRLS KNOW THAT GUYS WANT TO FUCK, AND WHEN ITS OVERT, AND THEY TEASE THEM ALONG, TREATING A DUDE LIKE A DUMPSTER TO TELL ALL HER PROBLEMS WITH ME TO... THAT TURNS MY FRIENDS AGAINST ME... FUCKING WOMEN!!! AND IT WAS ABOUT HERE THAT THE FIRE ALARM WENT OFF -

SO WE ALL PILE OUTSIDE INTO THE DRIVE WAY TO FIND THE BUILDING WAS ACTUUALLY ON FIRE THIS TIME!!! SMOKE WAS COMING FROM THE BACK SOMEWHERE... IT WASNT LONG BEFORE THE FIRE TRUCKS ARRIVED AND WHATEVER WAS BURNING MUST HAVE BEEN SMALL COS THEY DIDNT TAKE LONG TO GIVE THE PLACE THE ALL CLEAR.

KINSKI SAID HE WOULD TALK ON MONDAY AND GIVE HIS REPORT ON MY CONDITION... I CANT WAIT.

I WAS HAD GONE TO TAKE A PISS AND WAS WALKING BACK DOWN THE CORRIDOR WHEN I HEARD SOMETHING SMASH DOWN THE OTHER END... THEN SOMETHING HEAVY HIT A WALL... MY FIRST THOUGHT WAS THAT THE FIRE HAD SPREAD (I DONT KNOW WHY)... SO I WENT TO CHECK IT OUT, AND FOUND A BROOM LAYING ON THE FLOOR HALF OUT A DOOR TO MY LEFT... AND THEN I HEARD VOICES... I LOOKED AROUND THE DOOR AND FOUND SOME ONE OF THE PATIENTS NAKED ON TOP OF DOCTOR BITCH (SERIOUSLY CANT REMEMBER HER FUCKING NAME)... SHE SAW ME AND CRIED OUT FOR "HILF!!!" THE SLOB OF A MAN ON TOP OF HER SPUN LIKE A APE, WILD AND FUIROUS... I DIDNT EVEN THINK ABOUT IT, THE ONLY WEAPON WAS LAYING ON THE FLOOR IN FRONT OF ME, I GRABBED IT AS HE LEAPED AT ME, AND I BROUGHT THE BROOM UP RIGHT BEWTEEN HIS FUCKING LEGS WITHH ALL MY STRENGTH!!! HE INSTANTLY FOLDED IN HALF, BUT MY INERTIA UPWARD DROVE MY SKULL RIGHT INTO THE FUCKERS NOSE!!! WE BOTH FELL AWAY FROM EACH OTHER... I WASTED NO TIME GRABBING THE BROKEN BROOM HANDLE WHILE THE RAPIST MOANED GRABBING THIS FACE AND BALLS IN THE FETAL POSTITION. HE THEN LASHED OUT, I BEAT THE FUCK OUT OF HIS HEAD WITH THE BROKEN BROOM UNTIL I WAS SUDDENLY ATTACKED BY 2 ORDERLIES FROM OUT OF NOWHERE...

I WAS THROWN IN A CONFINEMENT ROOM, ABOUT THE SIZE OF A ROOMY COFFIN... MY MOOD WITH WORSE THAN HATEFULL!!!

SHORTLY THOUGH KINSKI OPENED THE DOOR AND TOOK ME TO THE INFIRMARY AGAIN... AND AGAIN HE APOLOGIZED, DOCTOR BITCH EXPLAINED THAT I HAD STOPPED HER ATTACKER... FUNNY, THAT NOT EXACTLY HOW I WOULD PUT IT... I STOPPED MY ATTACKER!!!

I SPENT THE REST OF THE EVENING CRAFTING A SPLINTER OF WOOD INTO A SHANK!!!

DAY 9.

SATURDAY 26.11.11

YOU KNOW IM GLAD I WROTE THIS DIARY WHILE IN THIS FUCKING SHITBALL. I GOT KICKED OUT OF INDIA IN 2007 COS I WROTE A 2 PAGE EMAIL ABOUT THAT FUCKING LAND OF FUCKING HYPOCRISY AND BACKWARDS INEQUALITY... I SHOULD HAVE KEPT A DIARY AND IT WOULD HAVE PROBABLY GOT ME PUBLICALLY EXECUTED!!! I WAS TOLD THAT PEOPLE TEND TO GO NUTS AFTER 3 MONTHS IN INDIA... I SNAPPED IN THE FIRST 24 HOURS... MAYBE THE SAME HAPPENED HERE... THE BAD INFLUENCE OF THIS ASYLUM MADE ME BECOME WHAT I WAS SURROUNDED BY... AFTERALL ARENT WE JUST PRODUCTS OF OUR ENVIRONMENT??? THE SOCIAL CONDITIONING MADE ME THIS WAY??? THE CYCLE OF ABUSE, I HAVE COME FULL CIRCLE, THE CIRCLE OF LIFE, CAN YOU HEAR THE DISNEY MUSIC CHIMING IN??? THAT WOULD MAKE THIS EXPERIENCE PERFECT IF EVERYONE SUDDENLY JUMPED UP AND BURST INTO SPONTANIOUS SONG AND DANCE!!! MAYBE A TRACK FROM "THE SOUND OF MUSIC" OR "REEFER MADNESS"... I CAN SEE JESUS IN GOLDEN COWBOY BOOTS THRUSTING HIS PELVIS ON THE MESS HALL TABLES WHILE TILTING THIS ELVIS SUNGLASSES DOWN TO WINK AT THE OLD HAG BEHIND THE KITCHEN WINDOW... FUCK IT, WE'RE ALL MAD IN HERE, LETS GO FUCKING NUTS!!! LITERALLY!!!

SO ANOTHER EARLY MORNING FOR A SATURDAY MAKES ME WANT TO KILL PUPPY DOGS!!! AND PATIENTS AND ORDERLIES CAN MUST BE ABLE TO SEE IT ON MY FACE...

SO ART CLASS AGAIN... I SATA DOWN AND DREW A PICTURE OF DOG CRAWLING THROUGH THE GUTS OF ANOTHER DEAD DOG...

THEN AT LUNCH I WENT FOR A WALK, THE FOG HAS FINALLY FUCKED OFF, AND EVERYTHING IS DAMP, BUT ITS RATHER WARM, FOR WINTER... I WENT DOWN PAST THE SECOND BUILDING JUST AS A WHOLE SERIES OF POLICE VANS DROVE UP... I COUNTED 6 VANS PACKED FULL OF COPS... I CONTINUES ON MY MERRY WAY TO THE OLD WHARF, WHEN A HELICOPER FLEW AROUND OVER THE LAKE. I WAS JUST STANDING WATCHING WHEN SEVERAL COPS CAME YELL AFTER ME... GERMAN COPS SOUND JUST LIKE NZI SOLDIERS IN OLD WAR FILMS... THEY CAN CHARGING DOWN THE THIN WHARF DEMANDING SOMETHING I COULDNT UNDERSTAND - WHEN GOD DAMN IT, THE FUCKING WHARF COLLAPSED!!! NOW YOU KNOW IN THE MOVIE THE TITANIC, WHEN WHATS NER NAME IS ABOUT TO JUMP OFF AND KILL HERSELF NEAR THE START OF THE FILM, AND LEANARDO SAY SHE SHOULDNT DO IT COS WHEN YOU FALL IN THAT WATER ITS LIKE A THOUSAND KNIVES STABBING YOU ALL AT ONCE... HE WASNT FUCKING JOKING!!! I WOULD HAVE START TO PANIC AS I CANT SWIM, BUT THE PAIN WAS MIND MOTHERFUCKING NUMBING!!! THANK FUCK I WAS GRABBED AND DRAGGED OUT BY ANOTHER FUCKING COP COS I WAS ABOUT 2 SECONDS FROM BLACKING OUT!!!

I WAS RUSHED ABOUT AND SOMEHOW FOUND MYSELF IN AN INFIRMARY... BUT NOT FROM MY BUILDING... SOON FOUND MYSELF IN A BED NEXT TO THE COP WHO FELL IN WITH ME... HE LOOKED HOW I FELT. MY HEAD FUCKING FEELS LIKE I HAVE SAND PAPER GRINDING AWAY AT MY BRAIN!!! BUT I HAVE TO SAY I WAS TEH WARMEST I HAVE BEEN SINCE I ARRIVE IN THIS FUCKING PLACE... SNUG AS A BUG IN A RUG IN A MENTAL ASYLUM!!!

HOW MUCH TROUBLE CAN I GET IN WHILE IM AT THIS PLACE??? GOT A HARSH TALK FROM SOME SERIOUSLY UPTIGHT GERMAN COPS... WHOLE ULTIMATELY SAID I DID NOTHING WRONG... BUT I SHOULD WATCH MY ASS... DANKE MOTHERFUCKERS.

I HAD TO SPEND THE REST OF THE EVENING IN THIS INFIRMARY... THIS PLACE WAS A LOT CLEANER, AND SMALLER... AND A LOT MORE SCREAMING GERMANS... LOUD BARKING MOTHERFUCKERS... THIS PLACE REMINDS ME OF THE ONE AND ONLY TIME I WENT TO THE BERLIN OLYMPIC STATIUM YEARS AGO TO SEE THE ONE AND ONLY FOOTBALL I WILL EVER WATCH... THE GAME SUCKED COCK, NO ONE GOT A GOAL... BUT WHAT WAS IMPRESSIVE WAS THE CROWDS SCREAMING!!! GERMANS HAVE SOME MOTHERFUCKING POWERFUL LUNGS... I GUESS THE PSYCHOS IN THIS PLACE ARE ALL FOOTBALL FANS!!!

WHILE LISTENING TO THE ENDLESS SHRIEKS OF THE TRULY DEMENTED I GOT TO DWELLING ON MY EX... WHY WOULD HOWLING MADMEN REMIND ME OF MY EX-GIRLFRIEND??? GOOD QUESTION... THINKING OF SEX... OF GOOD TIMES... OF ALL THINGS I WANTED TO DO WITH HER... ALL THAT USUAL POST BREAK-UP SHIT. HAD A REALISATION EARLIER THIS YEAR: THE END OF A LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP IS LIKE A DEATH. ALL THE PLANS YOU MAKE TOGETHER FOR ONE POSSIBLE FUTURE ARE ALL OVER, LIKE THEY DIED.

BUT AFTER ALL THE POST BREAK-UP REVENGE-SEX AND GET-BACK-TOGETHER-SEX, SOMETHING HAPPENS... THINGS GET NASTY... NASTY BUT I DO BELIEVE TOTALLY NECESSARY... YOU SAY SOMETHING OR DO SOMETHING THAT SUDDENLY PUSHES YOUR PRECEPTION OVER THE POINT OF NO RETURN... AND YOU DISCONNECT... USUALLY ACCOMPANIED WITH A BITTER PANG. BUT YOU NO LONGER MISS OR REGRET THAT ITS FUCKING OVER. THAT "NASTY BUT NECESSARY" MOMENT HAPPENED ON THE FIRST DAY I ARRIVED HERE... THOSE TEXT MESSAGES LAST FRIDAY... SO MAYBE THIS WHOLE ASYLUM EXPERIANCE HAS BEEN A GOOD PLACE TO PUT MY REACTION TO THE END OF THIS RELATIONSHIP... IT TOOK ENOUGH OF MY DIGNITY, BEING LOCKED IN THIS PIT HAS BEEN LIKE A FUCKING MENTAL HOLIDAY!!!

SO WITH MY TIME IN THE OTHER HOSPITAL I GOT PLENTY (MORE) TIME TO READ... SO I WAS READING THE CHAPTER ABOUT THE SUN AND STARS... WHICH IS NOTHING NEW... BUT THE BIT WHERE IT SAYS IN 2 BILLION YEARS THE SUN WILL BECOME A RED GIANT AND FRY EARTH, BUT NOT TO WORRY COS HUMANS WILL PROBABLY BE EXTINCT BY THEN ANYWAY... WAS ONE OF THOSE MOMENTS LIKE WHEN YOU LOOK UP AT THE SKY AT NIGHT AND SEE HOW VAST THE UNIVERSE IS AND SMALL WE REALLY ARE... BUT THEN YOU HAVE THE FLIPSIDE WHICH IS THAT IF THE UNIVERSE IS SO ENORMOUS, THEN WE REALLY ARE UNIQUE... BUT THEN YOU HEAR PEOPLE WHO TALK ABOUT BE "GRATEFUL" OF EVERY MOMENT ALIVE... WHICH IS ALL NICE AND DANDY... BUT WHEN YOURE LIVING FROM DAY TO MURDEROUSLY MUNDANE DAY, LIKE IN THIS FUCKING PLACE, APPRECIATING THE SAME OLD SHIT DAY IN, DAY OUT GETS AGONISING!!! AND IN 2 BILLION MOTHERFUCKING YEARS, NOTHING WILL FUCKING EXIST ANY FUCKING WAY!!! SO LETS JUST ENJOY THE HERE AND NOW... BUT THE HERE AND NOW IS COLD AND ISOLATED AND FUCKING SHIT!!!

I GOT TO GET OUT OF THIS FUCKING PLACE.

DAY 10.

SUNDAY 27.11.11

SO WHAT MADNESS LITERALLY WENT DOWN TODAY IN THE MOTHERFUCKING MADHOUSE??? WHERE DO I BEGIN???

I WOKE UP TO SOMEONE SCREAMING AT ME FROM MY DOOR!!! SOME WRETCHED OLD CUNT JUST SCREAMING... I JUMPED STRAIGHT UP OUT OF BED AND BITCH-SLAPPED HER ACROSS THE FACE THEN SLAMMED THEN FUCKING DOOR!!! SHE CONTINUED SCREAMING FOR NO APPARENT REASON... SO I GOT UP 2 MINTUES BEFORE THE LIGHTS AUTOMATICALLY CAME ON AT 7.

I HAD A SHOWER THEN STEPPED OUT DIRECTLY INTO SOMEONES FRESH VOMIT ON THE BATHROOM FLOOR... YOU CANT IMAGINE HOW INFURIATING THE DAY WAS ALREADY BECOMING... I THEN FIND WHO I GUESS WAS THE PUKER, IN A STALE WITH ANOTHER DEMENTED FUCK EATING THE SHIT OUT OF THE TOILET!!!

I MADE MY WAY DOWN STAIRS AS ANOTHER WOMAN CAME SCREAMING THEN TRIPPED AND FELL ALL THE WAY DOWN THE HUGE STEPS, NEARLY TAKING ME WITH HER... HE LANDS FLAT ON HER FACE WHERE BLOOD EXPLODED OUT ACROSS THE MARBAL FLOOR, AND SHE DIDNT MOVE AGAIN... I WALKED RIGHT PAST AND CONTINUED TO THE MESS-HALL FOR 2 CUPS OF SHIT TEA.

SO AT BREAKFAST I SAT THERE THINKING ABOUT A FUCKING DREAM I HAD, AND REMINDED ME WHY I WILL NEVER RETURN HOME. THEN SOMEONE DROPPED A BREAKFAST TRY ON THE FLOOR - AND THEN ANOTHER YELLING FUCKING ASSHOLE STARTS GOING APESHIT AT ANOTHER SMALLER MOTHERFUCKER!!! GOING ON AND ON AND FUCKING ON AT THIS LITTLE DUDE WHO CLEARLY WANTED TO DISAPPEAR...

I WENT TO GET AWAY FROM THIS CLOWNS AND FINISH MY TEA ON THE FRONT STEPS BY THE MAIN DOORS... AND IT WAS ACTUALLY A RATHER NICE MORNING OUTSIDE... UNTIL A POLICE CAR DROVE UP... HERE TO SEE ME... I SWEAR I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO POPULAR.

I WAS ESCOURTED TO THE OTHER SECURE HOSPITAL WHERE I WAS SAT DOWN IN FRONT OF A ANGRY LOOKING SENIOR COP WHO WANTED ME TO RECALL WHAT I SAW YESTERDAY... WHICH WAS EASY, COS I DIDNT SEE JACK SHIT, APART FROM THE CHOPPER... BUT THAT WAS WHAT WAS OF INTEREST... APPARENTLY WHOEVER WAS ON THE CHOPPER WAS SOME SERIOUS DUDE. BUT I WOULDNT KNOW, AS I WAS TAKING A SWIM THANKS TO THESE FUCKING COPS.

AN HOUR MORE OF THE SAME BULLSHIT BAD COP ROUTINE TRYING TO INTIMIDATE ME LEFT ME BORED... DUDE, IVE BEEN EATING, SLEEPING AND SHITTING WITH THIS FUCKING LUNATICS, YOUR TOUGH-GUY ACT AINT IMPRESSING ME.

SO I GET BACK TO MY BUILDING AND GO TO READ MY BOOK IN THE LOUNGE... BUT THERE IS NO REST FOR THE WICKED... NOT 5 MINUTES LATER AND THAT SAME DUDE IS STILL RIPPING ON THE SKINNY OLD DUDE FOR KNOCKING OVER HIS BREAKFAST TRAY... THE GUY JUST WONT FUCKING SHUT UP... AND HE CORNERS THE LITTLE CHAP BEHIND A TABLE THAT HE KEEP POUNDING WITH HIS FISTS... THE LITTLE DUDE LOOKS LIKE A STARVING DOG THATS BEEN KICKED EVERY DAY OF HIS PATHETIC FUCKING LIFE... I MOVE INTO ANOTHER ROOM... ONLY TO BE SURROUNDED MY SICKLY FUCKS COUGHING THEIR LUNGS OUT... A HOUR LATER I TAKE A LEAK THEN COME BACK TO FIND THAT CUNT STILL SCREAMING AT THE LITTLE FUCK... DO THE DOCTORS AND ORDERLIES JUST WANT THE PATIENTS IN HERE TO KILL EACH OTHER... SERIOUSLY, WHERE THE FUCK IS THE ORDER??? I MOVE INTO THE MESS-HALL AND HAVE A CUP OF TEA WHILE I READ... AND THEN IN COME A NEW GIRL... I THINK SHES NEW... 5 FOOT, LONG BLACK HAIR, BIG TITS... SHE WALKS STRAIGHT UP TO ME AND ASKS IF I HAVE ANY CIGARETTES... TYPICAL WOMEN... GET TEH FUCK OUT OF HERE!!! SHE SNEERS AND MARCHES AWAY AS THE YELLING BASTARD COMES STOMPING AFTER THE SKINNY DUDE AGAIN... JESUS FUCK!!! ARE THEY TRYING TO FUCK WITH ME??? THE BIG GUY HAS STARTED SMACKING THE LITTLE GUY ON THE SIDE OF HIS HEAD, WACKING HIS GLASSES OFF CONSTANTLY... UNTIL HER PUTS A TABLE BETWEEN HIM AND THE BIG GUY WHO IS HALF YEELING IN ENGLISH HALF IN RUSSIAN OR SOMETHING... AND THEN I STEP UP BEHIND THE LITTLE DUDE... AND FINALLY THE CUNT SHUTS HIS FUCKING MOUTH!!! I DIDNT DO ANYTHING. I JUST STOOD NEXT TO THE TREMBLING RUNT AND GLARED BACK AT THIS PRICK... HE THEN STARTS LAUGHING AND BACKS AWAY... MUTTERING SHIT TO HIMSELF... FINALLY I CAN READ MY BOOK IN PEACE... THE LITTLE DUDE SAT SILENTLY NEAR BY... LIKE A DOG...

BEFORE LUNCH I GO TO TAKE ANOTHER PISS (I DRINK A LOT OF TEA, SO I GOT TO PEE) AND I HEAR SOME WOMAN SHRIEKING IN THE WOMEN TOILETS ON BY WAY PAST... I TAKE A PISS... ON MY WAY BACK I FIND THAT CHICK CRAWLING ALONG THE FLOOR, A TRAIL OF BLOOD SWEARED ACROSS THE FLOOR COMING FROM BETWEEN HER LEGS... I PUSH OPEN THE WOMENÄS TOILET DOOR AND FIND A TWISTED PIECE OF WIRE LAYING IN A POOL OF BLOOD... NOTHING LIKE A HOME ABORTION TO MAKE A MESS OF THINGS... I STEP OVER THE MOANING WOMEN AND MAKE SURE I DONT GET ANY OF HER FUCKING FUIDS ON MY SLIPPERS.

MORE TEA FOR LUNCH AND THE CRAZY GUY NEXT TO ME EATS THE HAIR HE PULLS FROM HIS HEAD... I GO FOR A WALK OUTSIDE... WHEN THE MENTAL CUNT WHO WAS YELLING AT THE SKINNY DUDE CRASHES INTO ME AND THROWS ME TO THE GROUND!!! HE GRABS ME AND PULLS ME AWAY TEARING MY BATHROBES HALF OFF AS I SPIN ACROSS THE CAR PARK!!! AT THIS POINT IM SEEING MORE THAN RED!!! I RIP MY BATHROBE AND HOSPITAL GOWN OFF, GRABBING THE SHARPED WOODEN SHANK FROM THE BACK OF MY PJ PANTS AND YELL AT THE FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT TO BRING IT ON, MOTHERFUCKER!!! I AM GOING TO FUCKING KILL THIS WASTE OF FUCKING MEAT!!! IM GOING TO BURY THIS WOODEN BLADE INTO HIS FUCKING THROAT AND THEN STAB MY THUMBS INTO HIS FUCKING EYEBALLS!!! I STAND MY FUCKING GROUND... BUT THE CUNT JUST GRUNTS... I STAND PUNCHING MY CHEST AND IM SO FUCKING HOT IM SWEATING EVEN THOUGH ITS FREEZING OUTSIDE!!! THEN HE LUNGES - I KICK TOWARD THE CUNT RAISING MY WAEPON -BUT THEN THE FUCKING ORDERLIES DECIDE TO STEP IN!!! FUCKING CUNTS!!!

IT TOOK 3 MEN TO CARRY ME AWAY FROM THAT COWARDLY FUCK!!! I WAS LOCKED IN MY ROOM FOR AN HOUR WHILE I COOLED OFF - BY PUNCHING THE SHIT OUT OF THE DOOR!!!

I LATER HAD A ONE ON ONE WITH YET ANOTHER NEW YOUNG DOCTOR... HE ASKED WHAT HAPPENED... I SAID THE NUT-JOB JUMPED ME... BUT IM OK.

5 MINUTE LATER I WAS FREE AND SHARPENING A NEW SHANK.

DINNER CAME AND IT WAS LIKE NOTHING HAD HAPPENED... UNTIL SCREAMING CAME FROM OUTSIDE - NOTHING NEW - BUT IT WAS MORE THAN 2 PEOPLE SCREAMING... EVERYONE CROWDED AROUND THE BIG WINDOWS... I WENT INTO THE LOUNGE NEXT DOOR FOR A BETTER VIEW... SOME OLD WOMAN IN THE GARDEN SCREAMING AT THE SURROUNDING ORDERLIES... AND THEN SHE LIT HERSELF ON FIRE!!! WOW. AND I THOUGHT SHE WAS SCREAMING LOUD BEFORE... BY THE TIME SOMEONE THOUGHT TO GET A FIRE EXTINGUISHER, IM PRETTY SURE SHE WAS TOAST, MIND THE PUN!!!

SUNDAY??? YOU MEAN FUNDAY!!!

FOR MY LAST NIGHT IN THIS HELL HOLE IT SURE HAS BE ENTERTAINING... I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW IF THE DRUGS THEY HAND OUT SO FREELY IN THIS PLACE ARE IN FACT MAKING THIS IDIOTS WORSE!!! COS AFTER THE FIRE THEY ALL WENT WILD!!! RUNNING ABOUT THE BUILDING TRASHING EVERYTHING!!! IT WAS LIKE A PARTY IN 1999 ALL OVER AGAIN!!! HUMANS IN A PRIMITIVE STATE OF DE-EVOLUTION!!! FUCK OCCUPY WALLSTREET, THESE CATS KNOW HOW TO RIOT!!! OVER TURNING TABLES, SMASHING WINDOWS, THROWING CHAIRS, AND SCREAMING LIKE SCRAPPING CATS AT NIGHTS!!! IT WAS A PURE AND SIMPLE CASE OF NUMBERS, THE 99% PSYCHOS ALL GOING BERSERK AT ONCE WAS TOO MUCH FOR THE 1% IN CHARGE... THE ILLUSION OF CONTROL FINALLY BREAKS DOWN. AND I WALK THROUGH THE CHAOS AND LET IT WASH OVER ME LIKE PURE BLISS.

I HAD MY FUN BEFORE THE COPS ARRIVED AND ROUNDED EVERYBODY UP LIKE CATTLE AND LOCKED US IN OUR ROOMS... OH THE FUN I HAD... LETS JUST SAY, I LEFT MY MARK ON THE BUILDING WITH SHARP SCRATCH INTRUMENTS AND STAINING LIQUIDS...

AND ALL THROUGH THE NIGHT SCREAMING AND VIOLENT SOUNDS ECHOED THROUGH OUT THE LONG FUCKING NIGHT!!!

THINGS ARE JUST STARTING TO GET INTERESTING... BUT TOMORROW I BLOW THIS POPSICLE STAND AND I AM LOOSED UPON THE GREATER ASYLUM OF THE INSANE!!!

THIS IS MY FUCKING TIME!!!

DAY 11.

MONDAY 28.11.11

WOKE UP FEELING REFRESHED AND WITH A MOUTH FULL OF BLOOD. AND WENT TO BREAKFAST AND PART FROM THE BROKEN SHIT, EVERYONE ACTS AS IF NOTHING HAPPENED LAST NIGHT... JUST LIKE IN THE REAL WORLD... NO ONE REMEMBERS.

SO I ASKED DOC KINSKI WHAT THE VERDICT WAS??? HE LOOKED BLANKLY BACK AT ME AS IF I HAD TOLD HIM HIS BREATHE SMELLED LIKE 15 YEAR OLDS PUSSY. SO I ASKED IF I AM INSANE??? HE SAID, "YOURE NOT INSANE." I SMIRKED AND SLAPPED MY THIGH (LITERALLY), "THATS WHAT IVE BEEN SAYING FOR FUCKING YEARS!!! IM PERFECTLY SANE!!!" BUT KINSKI COCKED AND EYEBROW, "I DIDNT SAY THAT. I DIDNT SAY YOURE SANE." I WAS NOT AMUSED. HE CONTINUED, "YOURE NOT IN-SANE BUT THATS NOT THE SAME AS BEING "SANE"."

AND I THOUGHT THIS GUY DIDNT HAVE A SENSE OF FUCKING HUMOUR!!!

SO I WAS FREE TO GO, HE REMINDED ME OF THE SUGGESTIONS HE HAD ABOUT ANGER MANAGEMENT AND A 12 STEP PROGRAM... AND THEN ON MY WAYOUT SAID DOCTOR BITCH WANTED TO THANK ME FOR HELPING HER ON FRIDAY, I CLOSED HIS DOOR BEHIND ME SINGING, "THIS IS MY UNITED STATES OF WHATEVER!!!"

SO MONDAY MORNING AND I CAN WALK OUT OF THIS TEST OF CHARACTER A FREE MAN... BUT NO MORE FREE THAN I WAS WHEN I FIRST ARRIVED 10 LONG FUCKING DAYS AGO... AND RETURN TO MY LITTLE LIFE... AND RIGHT NOW ON THE TRAIN BACK INTO BERLIN, FOR SOME REASON MY LIFE REMINDS ME OF THAT SAYING, "IN THE END YOU DONT REMEMBER THE WORDS OF YOUR ENEMIES, BUT THE SILENCE OF YOUR FRIENDS."

I NEED A SHAVE!!!

THE "NOT INSANE" PATIENT

BERLIN, NOVEMBER 2011